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Someone wished me a Happy Independence Day and I told him this is America, and we say Merry Christmas here, buddy.
I don’t always make my order as complicated as possible, just when the server is showing off by not writing it down.
[first day as police sketch artist]
“Yes those are dog ears. I wanted to give the killer a touch of whimsy.”
Him: *seeing my apartment for the first time* I see you’re kind of a minimalist
Me: yes that is correct, I am very poor
What REALLY happens when you build Ikea furniture…
[middle ages]
King: my soldiers should wear suits that is more protective
Queen: *are more
King: babe that is brilliant
Starting a cover band called “A Book” so no one can judge us.
I can think of a few ways to dirty up a bedroom..
*eats a nature valley granola bar on your bed, spills milk on the floor, wipes my face on your pillow*
Sun Tzu: to beat your enemy you must become your enemy
Me [overweight; hungover; eating breakfast ice cream]: way ahead of you
I’m like Helen of Troy. Not in the sense of being breathtakingly beautiful, but in the sense of pissing people off and starting wars
picture a potato but sexy
lol i just tricked u into thinking of me naked
[wife yelling in waterpark]
“BRENT SOMEONE IS STEALING THE CAR”
[top of huge slide] K IM STILL GONNA TAKE THE SLIDE DOWN CUZ IT’ll BE FASTER
Clearance aisles are awesome. I don’t even have a ham but for fifty cents I’m gonna glaze something.
[creation]
GOD: Gather round creatures & I’ll tell you what you’ll eat
ANTEATER: I’m SO excited!
DUNG BEETLE: I got a bad feeling about this
someone just dropped a glass at the hotel breakfast and three different people shouted “buddy!” at the same time. this city rules lol
*Emerging from a ten year coma*
Dad: Well look who finally got up
media CEO: we’re doing a series on salary transparency!
same media CEO: wait no stop asking about mine
Just ate potatoes so good I finally understand the centuries of warfare between England and Ireland. The English wanted their potatoes.
they say tomatoes are good for my prostate but they’re way too squishy to get up in there
Did a great workout at home this morning by running 25 times up and down 15 flights of stairs to make sure the iron was unplugged.
Her: Welcome to McDonalds sir, may I take your order?
Me: *hands her a shovel with mouth agape* ALL. THE. FRIES.
Children change a lot of things like now if I get lost in a corn maze I just lay down and take a nap or run toward the guy with a chainsaw.
I would follow a stranger into a dark alley if they promised me potato wedges
*curtsying before the royal duck court*
M’allard!
#FF @funTweeters. They’re the crazies, I tell ya! #humor
MURDER HORNET: 2020 is my year
BRAIN-EATING AMOEBA: hold my contaminated tap water
Michelle Obama should have dropped the mic and moonwalked out.
idk flipping houses looks really hard
