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This puppy is lit but those puppies are litter
Goodnight room
Goodnight moon
Goodnight neighbor’s Christmas lights that’ll stay up til June
Doctor: How’d you get these scars all over your legs?
Me: Dorito crumbs in my bed
My husband witnessed a miracle today. The Amazon truck drove by our house
…without stopping.
(Wedding)
Priest: They’ve written their vowsWife: *recites beautiful vows*
Me: *takes out notecard* I love you and cheese the same amount
I hope my enemies are walking around in wet socks.
My ex was a true professional.she said “you are fired” when we broke up.
judge: do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth
me: no
judge: [covers mic] what do I do
[commercial for college]
*person shoveling money into furnace*
Narrator: Don’t you wish there was a better way?
To: ALL STAFF
Subject: FW: RE: RE: FW: FW: FW: RE: RE: FW: RE: RE: FW: FW: How to Effectively Use the E-Mail Subject Line
”How’d you get that scar on your head?”
[remembers falling at the playground as a kid]
”Stopped a bank robbery”
A lot of women think you have to chose between a career and a family, but I’m here to tell you that you can have neither.
teacher: your son was caught smoking pot
me: did he say where he got it?
teacher: yes, his best friend
me: [tearing up] he really said that?
I now realize that my mom did not actually have eyes in the back of her head. She just did as I do, randomly yell out “stop it” every 30 min
Ice, ice, baby. Ice, ice, baby. – Me taking inventory at the cryogenic infant storage facility.
We belong together like chocolate and strawberries, like burgers and fries, like laundry and exercise equipment.
dudes be like “oh you “love” this band? name 72 of their songs” pump the brakes Tyler, you can’t name your child’s pediatrician
Her: you know what really makes my mouth water?
Me *slowly closes the menu* salivary glands
Baseball glove $150. Baseball bat $250.
Uniform $120.
Cleats $100.
Having my son quit in his first week of little league practice … priceless
Last night my wife was watching Marie Kondo, this morning I woke up on the curb.
[beach]
Me: if a shark stops moving it will die
Wife: for the last time you can’t kill a shark with a stop sign
Me: it’s the law diane
Working at McDonald’s at 16 taught me I didn’t want to work at McDonald’s at 17.
Jiminy Cricket: [singing] Always let your conscience be your g–
Me: *sprays insect repellent*
yes, national anxiety is high, but at least it also gets dark at 4pm
i hate being a girl i wish i was a computer virus
[before humans were invented]
animals: this is nice
Working at any office is like “Ok we’re transitioning to Salarya, but payroll is still in Bullfrog—did you see my Noosecock post? Submit your timecard on Fireplayce then jizz me on Smackdog . Do NOT upload to Crackerz without Yammer approval
i once dated a professional hockey player from Sweden and one night he called me and asked “you up?” so i drove over excited and when i got there he asked me if i could balance his checkbook.
Wait i haven’t finished my old year yet can I get a to-go box
“You saw nothing.”
-me, to the neighbor kids about the toy I just shoved in the trash