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I accidentally confused Star Trek with Star Wars and some kid threatened to cut me with his Virgin card.
the grim reaper driving a taxi full of meats and cheeses call it death cab for charcuterie.
every youtube essay now is called “the secret, untold history of toothpaste” then proceeds to read off the wikipedia page for toothpaste
Me: a cop once told me that I was the politest drunk he’d ever met
Interviewer: I meant achievements relating to the job
Bladder: I have to go
Laziness: Hang in there, champ
Of course I’m English.
I’m the retard convict cousin you shipped off to Australia back in the day.
[forest]
ME: omg there’s a wolf
WIFE: where?
ME: no the regular kind
Sorry I said your toddler should be in commercials for birth control
only three people know my grandma’s secret tuna casserole recipe & two of them have been missing since 1957
How long do you have to stop eating a meal before calling it leftovers?
yes, i’m outside playing, mom!!
my boss: here’s your raise
me: thanks
my landlord: he was talking to me
Me, an intellectual: A spam and banana sandwich would be called a spamananawich.
me: dating is hard
me on a date: future archaeologist will dig up disney world and assume it’s a temple of mouse worship
If Thor is a woman, what’s next? Woman doctors? Woman lawyers? Woman mothers? When will it end?
friend: the bathroom is upstairs
me(drunk): wtf? *pees pants*
Pretty sure “see less from” is to Facebook what “close door” is to an elevator
me: omg you’re dying
my phone: wtf the charger is just across the room
me: [crying] I wish I could help
centaur: I broke my arm
doctor: it’s okay I can fix it
centaur: I broke my leg too
doctor: *cocks rifle*
[angrily holding cookie under milk for way too long]
Yo whatcha doin bro?
[looks him dead in the eye]
practicing for you
John Denver: Almost heaven-
Me: Wow the place he’s singing about must be amazing
John Denver: -West Virginia
Me: Ok
I bet the people worried about what’s in the vaccine never even take a peek in the kitchen when they eat in a restaurant
If you beat a man with a mustache in a fist fight, you get to keep his mustache.
Let me show you how you can claim your dog as a dependent on your tax return.
~Me flirting
2022 will be better than 2021
Ikea products should be cheaper, i’m doing all the work here… it’s like ordering takeout food and still having to cook it when it arrives
[inventing napkin dispensers]
bob: it has 2 settings
exec: ok
bob: 1 at a time
exec: ok
bob: or 37 at a time
exec: first of all I love it
Took my little niece to the zoo. So many questions. “What’s that? Why’s its neck so long? How long does it live?”
I think she got fed up answering in the end.