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Seagulls are the annoying drunk white girls of the bird community.
teacher: “there are no stupid questions”
me: “ya ok but why isnt the plural of moose, meese”
Someone: he doesn’t look so good.
Someone else: we have to say the magic words!
Chanting: whiskey, bacon, tacos, pizza, whiskey, bacon, tacos, pizza…
Me: *slowly rises from the dead*
After several Steven Segal films in a row, you’d think bad guys would know to avoid rooms that contain both him & a PoolTable
Confuse your least favorite person at work by moving in slow motion when they’re the only person watching you
My dentist just looked in my mouth and said something is gonna have to come out. I suspect he’s talking about my wallet.
If your Tesla catches fire and locks you inside it’s not a problem, you just have to look up a ten minute YouTube video to figure out how to escape
[first date at restaurant]
Me: *ending call* My mom says no dessert.
The irony of my 12-year-old son pointing out that there is a spot on his cutlery while he hasn’t showered in a week is delicious.
Buying more laundry baskets so I can avoid doing the laundry
I’m not saying iPhone’s are overpriced, but with the money I saved by buying an Android, I bought a Tesla, a Rolex and a trip to Hawaii.
Me: Do you remember when I told you-
Husband: No.
Being a wife and mom is kind of like being a lawyer, everyone hates you until they need you
“What do we want?”
“A compilation album!”
“What shall we call it?”
“Now!”
I am dressed in all grey and a man also dressed in all grey just stared at me and for a second I got very nervous that he thought I was him
Me: *typing on laptop*
My cat: *climbs on me, reaches & puts 2 paws on my face*
Me: Aww. So sweet.
My cat: *rips my glasses off with his paws, & flings them on the floor*
Me: Or not.
Sometimes I’ll watch the way my chest hair sways back and forth before a fan on medium and think this must be exactly what Jane Eyre saw looking out over the moors or something
Me: Now THIS is a housewarming party! Am I right or what? High five!
Firefighter:
[tries to take a selfie]
Phone: NOT ENOUGH SPACE.
[deletes a bunch of photos]
Phone: still tho… don’t.
I’m so over sweating. I’m putting a pin in sweating for the next two months. We can circle back on sweating in September.
maybe my uterus is haunted, or maybe there’s an actual shark up there
My 1YO hit my 5YO with his toy so she got upset and asked me if we can return him to the hospital and pick up a “nicer kid”.
*drops cheese*
You: Five second rule!
Pet owners: lol
Stories about panicked mothers lifting cars off their trapped babies… but it’s my wife hauling out 10 cases of wine during a house fire.
St Peter: welcome to the afterlife
me: damn… there’s more?
Star Trek was my favorite show as a kid because I liked to fantasize about getting beamed off this planet.
It’s my favorite show now for the same reason.
I’ve ALWAYS said “A sport is not a sport unless you can play it while shitting.”
Horses are a great pet for anyone who’s ever wished their bicycle could make bad choices
Welcome to your 40s. Time moves much faster now. Welcome to your 50s