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9: *talks about Minecraft*
Me: *hears white noise* cool
9: *eyes narrow* which part was the coolest
Me: *eyes narrow* the part…
9:
Me: …with the…
9:
Me: *sweating*…ender dragon
9:
Me:
9: cool
Me: cool
Someone just told me to “have a blessed day.”
What do you even say to someone like that? I just hissed at them.
I could never succeed at chemistry. I Guess that’s why it’s called chemist “try”
Elephant 911: What’s ur em-
Elephant: MOUSE
Elephant 911: WHERE
Elephant: FLOOR
Elephant 911: JUMP ON THE TABLE
[table breaking noises]
going ballistic.
anyone need anything?
I’ve literally never clicked copied and pasted text and thought, “I’m so glad it kept the formatting and font from the other document.”
If I ever found a unicorn it would probably only be about 5 minutes before I put it’s horn in my mouth.
When I canceled my gym membership, I had to submit a too weak notice
If you legally change your name to ‘You’re Free to Go’ then it’s impossible to get arrested.
Wife: when did we get a new dishwasher
Me: u said change the dishwasher & stack the baby
Wife: how do u stack a baby
Me: u get other babies
[being murdered]
me: are u Scottish
murderer: yes
me: then I guess u could say i’m being kilt
[murdering intensifies]
I no longer need Google.
I have a 22 year old in college.
ME: *wearing medieval armour* I’d like to book a room.
HOTEL RECEPTIONIST: How many nights?
ME: *lifts visor* Just me.
In high school I was voted “I’m not really sure who that guy is”.
My opponent would have you believe I wear a tinfoil hat to block government mindreaders. I wear it to pretend I am from space. No questions
One of the kids just asked for family game night like we weren’t already fed up with each other enough as it is
I ate a shepherd’s pie for lunch. He was pretty upset about it.
No one:
Me: Is my body still under warranty?
Bonfire is French for “good fire.”
EAT YOUR VEGETABLES!
-a mother who hasn’t eaten a vegetable that isn’t a potato in the last year.
{Comes home after watching Beauty & the Beast}
ME: *Throws dumb non-singing teapot on the ground* You’re not even trying.
[Every restaurant ever]
Manager: “Has he got a mouthful of food?”
Waiter: “Yes.”
Manager: “Go and ask him how his meal is.”
#MarriedPeopleIssues
You hang up..
No, you hang up…
You hang up….
Noooo, you hang up. They’re your clothes. I’m not your maid.
If you were 8 yrs old when “red red wine” was released UB40 now
I have determined there is no quiet way to get a pan out of a cabinet in the morning
ME: I fear the number six.
THERAPIST: That’s odd.
ME: It’s even actually, but you’re a therapist not a mathematician.
Got drunk and did my taxes, i am getting back 1 zillion dollars, 2 slaves, and somehow the state of Rhode Island, this can’t be right.
I thought a man was in my house.
Turns out the air freshener had just squirted before I walked in.
It’s just a flesh wound…
*looks down at hibachi knives I just pretended I was Master Chef with*
*looks at bystander I just chop chopped*
me: umm did you tell your teacher that means pretend karate moves?
6: no
me:
