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A guy that was falsely imprisoned for 10 years got free tickets to the Super Bowl. That guy is SO lucky.
5: Is it okay if I don’t eat all my ice cream?
Me *already happily eating it*: As long as you ate what you want it’s okay, except that now poor mommy has to finish it
5: Will you be okay, poor mommy?
Me *scraping the bottom*: In time I will probably recover
Saw Little Women. Totally misleading title. They stayed normal-sized the whole time. 2 stars.
I just ran 4.1 Kms and realized you can write anything you want after that and no one will read it purple monkey dishwasher.
Marty: I know you want a sandwich Doc but this is crazy
Doc Brown: a loaf of bread only cost 18 cents in 1955 Marty, we have to go back
Marty: it’s just bread
Doc Brown: it’s only 18 cents, come ogle your mother
Marty: what?
Doc Brown: what, what?
Please say a prayer for my 8 year old son, he has to write 4 sentences.
PSA: Always be yourself
Identity theft carries a sentence of up to 15 years prison time
They should let you spend one night in a house before you buy/rent it, just to make sure it’s haunted.
getting v. tired of living inside an interesting part of next century’s history textbooks
I just accidentally swallowed a whole bunch of Scrabble tiles. My next shit could spell disaster.
If you keep pronouncing the L in salmon I going to stab you with my kah-nife
People on Facebook Nowadays:
*Clicks pic while sipping coffee*
*Posts as DP with irrelevant caption: Every scar makes me who I am*
WTF?
Three tips to stay young looking: drink water, wear sunscreen every day, remember every personal slight
One day ISIS is going to screw up and accidentally hit ‘add your location’ to a tweet.
My favorite part of cleaning, cooking, laundry, school lines, sports practices, games, sleep regression and back and forth to appointments with my kids is when someone says how lucky I am not to work
Algebra,trignometry, and calculus are responsible for more doctors than the actual love for the profession.
I had beer at lunchtime and now I think I might be sitting in the wrong office
For a dude who just shot a man in the head, the guy from Bohemian Rhapsody seems quite sanctimonious about getting spit on.
“Daddy, there’s a mime under the bed!”
That’s ridiculous, why would you think that?
“Listen!”
*complete silence*
OH DEAR GOD RUN
It’s always fun to put a rainbow bumper sticker on your homophobic friend’s car.
If my “check engine” light would check my wallet, it would know there’s nothing I can do about it.
Guy in front of me at McDonald’s: I’ll take two of everything
Me: IS THERE A FLOOD
I DON’T KNOW ABOUT?
I think we should let the Just Stop Oil girl out of prison to attend her brother’s wedding, but then stage a protest and block the roads.
When you’re cutting wrapping paper and your scissors start to glide is what I imagine heroin feels like.
THEM: Yeah, I guess I’m just old-fashioned, I like TALKING on the phone like people used to do in more civil times.
ME: People used to burn witches and smoke on airplanes.
*walks into business conference*
*everyone stares and gasps because I have a hotel coffee cup instead of Starbucks*
*one lady starts crying and gives me her cup*
date: probably losing a loved one. what about you, what’s your biggest fear?
me: driving into a wall that someone has painted to look like a tunnel
Covert ops
It’s like mama always says, you’ve gotta pickle your battles
Stick your battles in a jar
Pour brine all over your battles
Let those battles sit for months until they turn sour
Choose the juiciest battle and serve it with a nice pastrami sandwich