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I don’t know what I just witnessed, but this guy was swirling his glass of wine so fast, like a washing machine on it’s final spin, that I asked if he could do my laundry.
It’s hard to stay mad at Kanye when you remember he once threatened to move to Oklahoma and live at his aunt’s house
Bad news: I think I may have broken my toe. Good news: the smart car I tripped over will be alright.
Me, mumbling: There’s a reason they don’t let parents drop off teenagers at the fire station.
My fifteen-year-old son: They will never be able to extinguish my fire.
You can create your own organic, totally biodegradable mask by walking face-first through a series of spider webs every morning.
[job interview]
Him: Do you use drugs or alcohol?
Me: No.
Him: What’s your salary requirement?
Me: To be able to afford drugs & alcohol.
I just found out that my husband fills the dog’s water dish not from the tap, but from the fridge’s water purifier feature.
“She’d do the same for me”, he said.
{bedazzling my new tee shirt}
DO NOT RESUSCITATE
*from upstairs* HONEY…WHERE ARE MY BUSINESS PYJAMAS??
A couple: *kissing in public*
Me: *perched in a nearby tree* Booooo
mortician: can you come ID the body
wife: what’s it wearing
mortician: just a pair of dress jorts
wife: anything in the pocket
mortician: chicken nugg-
wife: that’s him
I asked my neighbors to keep it down last night and they were like ma’am- it’s 5pm.
[first date]
me: let’s just say I’ve kissed a lot of frogs
her: to meet your princess?
me: er yeah, whatever you say…
If Chlamydia didn’t have all those negative associations with STIs, it would make a beautiful baby name
Sometimes I like to call random numbers and if an older man answers I’ll say, “Hi. I know this sounds crazy, but I’m your daughter.”
Actually, Frankincense was the name of the doctor who created it. You’re thinking of Frankincense’s monster.
I prefer the Easter Bunny, for starters, he’s not making a list and checking it twice, and more importantly, he’s not watching me when I’m sleeping.
I turn my phone off overnight. A 3am text either means bad news or drunk people, and both make more sense in the morning.
St. Valentine’s Day is my favorite holiday that’s named after a massacre.
Officer: do you know why I pulled you over
Me: no sir
My Parrot: hell yea I love driving 86 mph without a seatbelt! my name is phil jamesson
Her + Gravity = 2001: A Space Odyssey
So when Steve Jobs started Apple in his garage he was an “innovator” but when I work out of my garage I’m “under arrest” for “selling meth.”
Now I’m no fresh daisy, I’ve been around the block, but what is kissing
Last day of lockdown: I’m going to miss sitting around doing nothing
First day back in work: *sitting around doing nothing
This summer, West asked, point blank: “Dad, is Santa real? Tell me the truth.” And I told him & said he could now help carry the flame of Christmas magic for younger kids. He seemed proud. Last night he put it to use. He said, “Give me ice cream or I’ll tell maison about Santa.”
I once told my mom that being the youngest child wasn’t so great because I got the least amount of time with her before she dies.
Just to show that my dark side comes from a loving place.
NASA is launching a new mission to say sorry to the aliens, they are calling it, “Apollo G”
If I ignore life will it go away?
You don’t realize how old you truly are until you are required to jump down off of something.
*travels back in time*
*follows Albert Einstein*
*waits for him to trip*
*yells “Way to go, Einstein!”*
*returns satisfied to present*