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[First prison riot]
Me: *guarding my toilet wine*
1. Don’t write a journal.
2. Don’t smile in your mugshot.-mental notes I take watching crime tv.
My flabber has been gasted.
I talk a lot of shit for a middle aged woman who still calls it a potty.
i don’t mean to brag, but i totally got to third base with my rem cycle last night.
Her: You sure love to beat people over the head with your vocabulary, don’t you?
Me: I think the word you’re looking for is “bludgeon.”
The older I get, the more I feel like the town elders in Footloose were actually pretty cool.
Why is it called “getting your car fixed” and not “autocorrect”
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: This one?
ME: No. When is our regular postman back from holiday?
What a shocker.
I just ran my car through the car wash.
And it turns out the car is white.
[Mom group]
New mom: My six-month-old is teething.
My mom: My 30-year-old won’t move out.
I’m at that age where I panic a little if I randomly smell toast.
Yeah sex is cool, but have you ever flossed your teeth after eating corn on the cob?
“Does your dad play any sports?”
“No, my dad hates sports”
*dad walks in*
“Hey there, Sport”
my uber driver watching me wander around the street aimlessly because i have no idea what a toyota crayola is
7yo: Do you use glue to make slime?
Me: Yeah, there’s glue in slime.
*7yo walks off*
Me: *a few minutes later* Wait!
*checks my phone to see what time it is*
[1 minute later]
*checks my phone to see what time it is cause I wasn’t paying attention*[2 minutes later]
*checks my phone to see what time it is…*
a haunted house, but every room is just learning more about Will & Jada.
You say pervert with a telescope. I say biological astronomer.
Remembering when I taught middle school and some girls wanted to have a Twilight book club in my classroom and then they uninvited me when they found out I was team Jacob
Okay this nightmare isn’t going to realize itself
We have to buy a new toaster because my son tried using the icing packet from his toaster strudel as a potholder to protect his fingers and dropped it in the toaster, where it melted and oozed icing all over.
But in his defense, it didn’t say not to do that on the box.
January 27th is Mozart’s birthday. Mozart died at 34 years old.
Had he lived he would be 259 years old on Tuesday
“I don’t want to see the movie until I read the book first” is why I’ve never watched a movie in my life
I don’t want to be hot. I don’t want to be sexy. I want to live under a bridge and refuse to let goats pass over it unless they successfully answer my three riddles.
My wife bought chocolate covered cashews and told me don’t eat all of them. That’s like my wife buying chocolate covered cashews and telling me don’t eat all of them.
“Robots will never rule the earth” I say as I stand up at the beckoning of my watch
My three year old walked into the garage while I was working out yesterday and I may need to rethink my playlist because today he’s telling everyone that “anacondas love honey buns”.
Whoever designed toddlers really knew what they were doing. I left my 2yo alone for a minute and he completely trashed the room and when I walked in he just looked up at me all wide eyed with his arms out and goes, “What I dooed?”
Science: Domesticated dogs are most closely related to gray wolves.
My dog: There is snow in my paw and now you must carry me.