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I need a note so I can get out of having sex with my husband.
Gynecologist: …
I wanted to go out tonight, but the avocado I bought last week will finally be ripe enough to eat between 9pm – 9.15pm so I can’t.
Potionheads be like bro this is an elixir bro it’s different just try it. Nice try junkie I’m sticking with the turkeylegs and apples I find on the castle floor
Me: I weigh 10x more than the cat and yet she trusts me completely. So sweet.
You:
Me:
You: It’s a lot more than 10x.
Me: Don’t ruin this.
I never know what to do when someone tries to fist bump me, so I just slowly put their fist in my mouth
Actually, your email does not find me well. I had to talk on the phone twice today, my bananas ripened too quickly and I found a fork in the spoon section of the drawer.
My life is spiraling out of control.
Toy Story
Toy Story 2: Toy Fast Toy Furious
Toy Story 3: Toykyo Drift
Toy Story 4: Toy Meets World
Toy Story 5: Toynado
Toy Story 6: Lotso’s Revenge
Toys 7
Toy Story 8: Toy Yoda-thon
Toy Story 9: The Fate of the Toys
If you want your uninvited guests to leave, seat them comfortably in the basement, then go upstairs and watch TV.
It’s taking my husband like way longer to leave me for a younger woman than movies and tv led me to believe it would and honestly I’m pretty annoyed
Just a reminder that nobody knew what was inside Willy Wonka’s factory when the contest happened. So people spent millions trying to find the golden ticket to witness what was most likely a standard assembly line operation.
Now that robots move their limbs smoothly and with grace, I wonder how we’re supposed to imitate them on the dance floor.
how come some families are all, like, “we’re direct descendants of many important historical figures,” & my family is all, like, “that raccoon is your uncle cletus.”
When my 9 year old gets off the phone with his girlfriend, I’m going to ask him for some dating advice.
I could tell you the story of breaking my arm sledding but be warned, it goes downhill fast.
I’m haunted by unanswered questions, like after the clock struck one and the mouse ran down, what happened next
Dear websites I don’t give a shit what you do with my cookies right now
Taking a break from my mental health so I can focus on Twitter
my physical therapist told me to do yoga in the cold to get rid of my pain. she called it frozen yog-hurt
[ IDEA ]
An alarm clock where Samuel Jackson just keeps yelling at you until you get up
Me: Jessica has 1/5 cup of milk for her cookie recipe how many times does she need to use the 1/10 measuring cup to make the cookies?
9: How about you figure that out on your own Jessica? Use your own brain.
I only eat chips because I feel that people would judge me if I ate the dip with a spoon
My toxic trait is working out for twelve minutes, then rewarding myself with chips and salsa, and eating them until I can no longer breathe.
Guy at the urinal next to me was pee moaning so loud, I thought he was going to breakout into an Adele song.
*toddler screaming in car seat*
Husband: Sounds like someone needs a nap when we get home.
Me: I know. Totally. Wake me up around 4?
Dinosaurs never could have survived to the present day.
Like…can you even imagine a stegosaurus trying to climb into a Honda Civic? Totally ridiculous.
Me: I’m so sorry, my dog ate my homework
Comp Sci Professor: your dog ate your coding assignment?
Me:
Prof:
Me: it took him a couple bytes
Disney set unrealistic standards of how often woodland creatures would help me clean and do laundry if I just sang out my window
Just found out men don’t need prostate exams till at least 40. I think my doctor has a lot of explaining to do.
“two heads are better than one” – guy who collects heads