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I’m thinking of taking my Twitter down, and @all_tweet_calls too. I probably can’t, I’m probably addicted, and I know it’s a running joke that people will say they’re deactivating & then come back.
But the haters are really getting to me.
1/
me: *drinks coffee with protein powder, does bicep curls, flexes fingers*
pickle jar: oh oh
In Twilight, if Jacob just got some therapy maybe he could be a Self-Awarewolf
If I was pregnant and people asked when I was due I would say what do you mean
20s: break dances in bar with traffic cone on head
30s: tries to walk in heels without breaking ankle
40s: yawns too hard and breaks rib
(at the gym). Hey can somebody spot me while I walk up the stairs?
Pro Tip: make your honeymoon boring and uninteresting so that the rest of your marriage feels like an improvement.
If there’s something strange. In your neighborhood.
There are so many of you I would love to hug and like two that I’m afraid they’d make me into a lampshade
Me: My wife says I never pay attention
Her: I’m not your wife
This day in history. 1950. The FBI put out its first 10 Most Wanted list and my dad lost a bet because only 2 of the guys were his brothers.
Batman: [sees signal] what’s the emergency
Commissioner Gordon: why weren’t you at my birthday party
When my wife falls asleep in a public place, I shake her a little and yell, “DON’T YOU DIE ON ME!” People always clap when she wakes up.
Oysters are an aphrodisiac because they figure if you swallow that, you’ll swallow anything
Noah’s flood = God clearing his browser history
Making myself into different art styles day 2: Andy Warhol
[Being chased by a bear in the snow]
Me: Should we hide??!Her: *putting snow on herself* make yourself as white as you can
Me *loudly* I find potato salad too spicy
Any time I see a dog in a baby stroller I assume the dog has somehow established dominance & the baby is back at home stuck in a kennel.
I feel like such a hypocrite when I tell my cat she can’t have any more treats until she loses some weight
Me: *upon exiting the womb* you’ll be hearing from my lawyer
Just realized that the group therapy I attended weekly for three years was actually the waiting room of a local optometrist.
Sarcasm…
Because mocking you directly would be rude.
wanted to know why i’ve been napping so often lately so i consulted webmd….. it’s not looking good, guys 😔
One tricky thing about kids crying is trying to determine if they broke a crayon or got their arm stuck in a piece of farming equipment.
Mobster: you’re gonna sleep with the fishes
Lobster: that’s not the threat you think it is, Tony
I backed my car into my husband’s car once when we were dating and for 25 years he’s not parked behind me.
Maybe cats always look like they’re planning our demise because we keep calling them things like mrs snugglepaws the second
Secretly hoping my ex will call or text one day, just so I can reply, ‘Who’s this?’