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My husband and I have dedicated to potty training our 3-year-old this weekend because apparently we haven’t challenged our marriage enough lately.
ME [first and last day working at Supercuts]: *styles everyone’s hair like Dog the Bounty Hunter*
I think I overdosed on comfort food last night….
That makes 7,427 days in a row.
Am I deceitful? Yes. I am not.
If your 78 year old grandpa called his new girlfriend a free spirit, you’d change all his passwords.
I never tell people about how the pens on my desk double as excellent ball-scratchers BEFORE they put them in their mouths. That’d be silly.
Start calling divorces “incidents”
Level up on that intrigue
To those of you who received a book from me as a Christmas present: just to let you know that they are due back at the library tomorrow.
what’s something i can do besides get married where i can be the center of attention and everyone cries and tells me how beautiful i am
When you’re on the couch being all comfy, snuggled under a blanket, a glass of wine on your left, a bag of chips on your right, the cat is sleeping on your lap, and you realize you forgot to put the remote within reach.
That’s the moment you wish you had kids.
If someone sees you accidentally bite into plastic fruit, commit. don’t show weakness. eat all of it
Me: Thanks for taking the time
Interviewer at Facebook: Sure, let me start by telling you something about yourself
People hate on frozen pizza. It’s tough on the teeth, but so refreshing on a hot summer day.
ew if literal: let me be clear
“I want to emphasize this paragraph in my email, but putting it in italics doesn’t seem like enough so I’ll also underline it and put it in boldface, a different font and a different color.” -psychopaths
puting flowers in my hair to accentuate my dirt like quality
People who bite popsicles, where are the bodies hidden?
inappropriate Care Bears be like:
I love you Mario but you need to stop taking shrooms, breaking into haunted houses, and killing turtles! You have a dinosaur to take care of
[being choked to death]
Me: harder
Murderer: wait, what?
Me: again pls
Murderer: ffs, I’m out of here
*hears dogs bark*
“I’ve been caught stealing
once when I was 5.”
Examine the shadows around my eyes. They speak of loss, of longing, of doom.
Also, I buy mascara at the dollar store.
Satan: *rubbing temples* For the love of God and everything holy, put your clothes back on.
Me: Not until you turn the heat down.
Before you try to convince me that people aren’t really all that dumb let me point out that TikTok has a “no filter” filter
A car with a car rack looked like a police car, so I slowed down, only to realize I had been tricked into obeying the law FOR NO REASON.
Me: I’m loving this, look at us, we’re practically finishing each other’s….
Her: …Fries ?
Me: Yeah, we’re done here!
Me: What do you want to do tonight?
Husband: I was thinking we could do what all those young people talk about and Netflix and —
Me: *already asleep*
She hadn’t made a milkshake in years for fear that they would return.
She starts the blender reluctantly.
In the distance, screams.
The boys had returned. They were coming to her yard.
Sex is like tacos. I wish I was having some now.