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Why do vegan places always try to copy meat products? Sure meat is murder but plagiarism is a little worse if you think about it
I needed a break from stupidity so I left work early.
[5 year old tugs on pant leg]
Daddy if time stops at the speed of light then photons aren’t actually moving, so is everything we see a lie?
If your dog doesn’t have a middle name how will they know when you’re mad at them when you call them?
Bad comedy:
“Gonorrhea, but not forgottenorrhea. Am I right?”
*crickets*
“Jeez, y’all sure know how to avoid the clap. Am I right folks?”
Cat: [coughing up a hairball]
French tutor: very good
I do the crane stance like in the Karate Kid movie each time I have to flush the toilet in a public restroom.
A cat burglar, but it’s just me putting stray cats in people’s houses when they leave
You’ve attempted to log into your online subscription of Psychology Today, please prove you’re not an imposter.
I stopped putting coffee in my sugar, and it shows!!!
[At supermarket]
“Excuse me do you work here?”
WHAT? ME? Work HERE? Hell no. I went to college. I don’t have a job
Don’t listen to the haters, all mushrooms are edible.
Some only once.
[if i was president]
“mr president, is it true you thought navy seals were actual seals that can drive a boat”
this press conference is over
The 5th dentist couldn’t answer because she was eating a delicious chimichanga.
I just took a shower…
You have no idea how hard it was to sneak that thing out of Home Depot.
LIBRARIAN: our library has three stories
ME: shouldn’t it have more?
Actual text from 17 y/o son:
kin u com bi nd swoop me?
I hope he means hit him with my car, because that’s the plan
Me: pretty much any name can be unisex
My son Stephanie: I hate you dad
When people start praying before a meal, I close my eyes and imagine how far I could throw a potato if I really put my heart into it.
I like you, but I like peeing in swimming pools, so it’s not saying much.
I wish the vaccine made ME magnetic. I can never find my keys.
I have the impulse control of a random number generator.
When the handyman forgets you have cameras in the house 😍
“I don’t want a boyfriend.” -woman who wants a boyfriend who isn’t me
[first date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a dietician.
Me: Fascinating. There are so many ways to die, right?
I stab myself a little bit every day to slowly build up an immunity to being stabbed to death.
Thanks to Garfield I learned that cats love lasagna
Thanks to my veterinarian I learned that cats are allergic to garlic
You don’t love me. You just love my Looney Tunes jean jacket
I’m in my late 40s raising a teenage son, tween son and toddler daughter of course my house is basically a frat house with glitter
the pandemic has hit the spaghetti labor market especially hard
