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[vet office]
ME: *puts cat on counter* He’s sick
VET: How so?
ME: Look
*cat’s arranging magazines & gently tosses empty cup in garbage*
The earth moves 1.6 million miles per day. So no I didn’t just “lay in bed and watch TV all day” I traveled very far thank u
Who called it a witches’ coven and not a hex trafficking ring?
I keep checking my bank account like a hungry person checking an empty refrigerator. Neither one is going to magically be full.
Son: what will happen when I die?
Me [lowers newspaper]: there’ll be a lot of left over sandwiches & then we’ll turn your room into a gym
I just tried to make coffee with my air fryer, so TGIF
Me: For who the bell tolls…
Teacher: You forgot the ‘M’.
Me:Oh…
Me:
Me: For who them bells toll…
Welcome to parenthood. Have you ever wondered what it would be like if a day was 3267 hours long?
Whenever I’m ordering takeout they ask if I need three sets of utensils and the answer is always obviously yes
Sorry I’m late, I’ve been taking an elastic band out of my hair for the last three days.
PEDIATRICIAN: This could sting a little.
KID: Okay.
PEDIATRICIAN: One day the sun will envelope the earth and we will all turn to dust.
The Others (2001)
[Doctor’s Office]
Seal: My flippers are sore.
Killer Whale Doctor: Hmm interesting, swim a little closer into my jaws- I MEAN ONTO THE TABLE
Olympic athlete: *does something unbelievable*
Announcer: That’s incredible! It’s too bad her father fell down a well 15 years ago
Local Person: That Pizza Hut over there used to be a KFC and Taco Bell.
Me: I love hearing history like this.
If we get locked down again, I might actually be willing to chat with someone about my car’s extended warranty.
getting groceries
I just walked up three flights of stairs really fast, so if anyone needs me, I’ll be dead at the top of the stairwell.
I noticed my mouse problem is back an I yelled at my cats for being lazy and not doing their job like I was in a Tom and Jerry cartoon
My plans: 2020:
Would you wear it?
HAMMOND: and then I extract the dinosaur blood from the mosquitoes
DR. GRANT: are you gonna use it to clone them?
HAMMOND: *takes sip from trex blood smoothie* use it to what?
[TRYING TO IMPRESS NEW GIRLFRIEND]
‘Oh yeah, I love to cook!’
*removes salad from the microwave
Bring a toddler to your next robbery. Their smudgy fingerprints everywhere will make the forensics team cry.
I’m getting tired of my husband always borrowing lotion that I stole from his gym bag.
I only make mistakes when I’m around people who are observant.
Picture us, making love. Wrong. More cheese.
Parent Fact: Sugar makes kids crazy.
Grandparent Fact: Vengeance is mine.
Want to play doctor? You be the patient, I be the lobotomist.
“Let me make this very clear…”
– Me before a 38 mins convoluted rant