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You’re either passionately pro or anti-cilantro, there is no middle ground.
My favorite part of The Talented Mr. Ripley is how easy it was to scam people in the 50s. You could just beat a guy to death with an oar and show up to the American Express office with his ID and they’d like “of course, and how much money would sir be withdrawing today?”
This fan has two speeds; someone blowing in your face and airplane engine.
* flirting with disaster
disaster: Gross
Kid: *spills cereal all over the floor*
My husband: Can you grab the vacuum cleaner?
Me: Sure *whistles for the dog*
I suspect that the deep state is using nanotechnology to make my underwear tighter and I don’t like it.
I cannot escape the 45 year old man who spends millions to look 43. I don’t want to see him anymore but he is everywhere. Oh no the doorbell, it’s him he’s here
girl im dating buying shampoo: I’ll get this one
me looking for a reason to break up with her: coconut and orchids??
Him: Your body is like poetry
Me: That’s so nice!
H: A haiku
M:..
H: Little on the top, big in the middle, little on the bottom
M: Just stop
I feel bad for photons that travel 93 million miles from the sun and then have to bounce off your stupid face.
*night falls, the full moon rises*
ME: go, please! i don’t want you to see me…like…this
HIM: omg what’s happening
ME: *asleep by 10 pm*
The Pope quit. Meteor in Russia. Snowing in Arizona. Star Wars and Star Trek have the same director. Who the hell is playing Jumanji?
My dad said it’s important to carry a compass when I go hiking, in case I ever get lost. I have no idea how drawing perfect circles will help, but I’m not one to question authority.
If a British person calls 911 and says, “It’s a bloody mess” how does the operator know if there’s blood or the person is just being British
A solid knife fighting strategy is to move clockwise in increasingly larger circles until you reach a safe running distance.
Bored?
Looking for some action?Call my parents and tell them you heard the price of stamps are going up again.
Me: just cuz my resume is on a napkin doesn’t mean it’s not good
Employer: there’s a chicken nugget stuck to it
Me: oh is there? *winks*
A second date is probably not likely if your date pulls out and clutches a crucifix when you enter the room.
This is bullshit. Panic bought this 100 lb bag of rice when quarantine started; only eaten a fistful because it’s all sharp and hard and crunchy, NOT like in the restaurants.
My son is sitting next to me here playing some kinda shooting game and complaining about people using aimbots.
As someone who’s cleaned his bathroom I wish he’d use them too.
Server: Have you dined before?
Me: Have I d- like in general?
Server:
Me: Yeah. Yes.
When I kiss a girl, sometimes I dont know what to do with my hands, so I slow clap behind her head to make sure she knows I’m enjoying it.
I said NO, Steve! It’s a terrible idea. We’ll never get away with it…
People don’t make your heart skip a beat. Medical conditions do. Idiots.
Me: Let’s go outside & make love in the rain.
Her: What if there’s lightning?
Me: Then you get to be on top…
My daughter turns 3 today. Due to our tight budget, we’re not telling her.
It was worth a shot 😂
hey can you guys give me an honest review of my cover letter?
Dear hiring manager,
PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE
ME: *falls into gorilla enclosure*
GORILLA: [in sign language] I have a boyfriend.
My favorite outdoor activity is looking for shade.