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I did squats today. Mostly because I was hiding from a coworker.
Me: “When will you be home?”
Wife: “10 to 15 minutes max.”
All these years and she can’t remember my name is Ryan.
I’m stranded on a dessert island. Do not send help.
16,875,547,322 traffic-related bug deaths so far this year
Being a brown man is hard but it would really suck if one day I failed a CAPTCHA & found out I was a robot on top of that
can’t help feeling like there’s already a name for this
[picking her up for a date]
ME: you should know that i have a baby from another marriage
HER: really?
ME: yes, but the parents haven’t realized it yet so we gotta hurry, get in
At least men & women can agree on one thing: it feels AMAZING to take a bra off
WIFE: Please stop.
ME: Stop what?
WIFE: Singing in the shower.
ME: What’s the big deal?
WIFE: You’re scaring everyone at Home Depot.
Does anyone know how to get red wine out of a white cat, and don’t say tears, because I already tried that.
My 20 y.o. son: Mom, if you were in Star Wars, do you think you’d be on the light side or the dark side?
Me: I’d probably be the mom whose son abandoned her to stay a slave on a desert planet after he won a flying car race.
CHASE: Hi we are calling to check for fraud you spent $40 at 7/11
ME: Yea
CHASE: Then you went to Taco Bell at 3am
ME: Are these questions
Sorting Hat: WAFFLE HOUSE!!
Me: oh, very funny…
oh frick my wife just asked me to bring 10 pages of my best “husbanding” to the living room for a review
8-year-old: Can I have a turn with the pressure washer?
Me: Fine. But you can’t spray your sisters.
8: Never mind.
My son recovered from his illness while I was filling out all the paperwork in the waiting room.
If GMOs can make hundred pound tomatoes why don’t I have a pet teacup elephant yet?
my proudest tweet
Everybody makes mistakes their first camping trip. For starters, going camping.
Took the batteries out of the carbon monoxide alarm because the loud beeping was giving me a headache and making me feel sick and dizzy.
😜😜 Happy Saturday folks ☕️☕️
[trying not to think about Sonic The Hedgehog during sex]
Her: faster! faster!
Me: oh god no
Therapist: Your mother is so overprotective she is the cause of your issues connecting to women emotionally
Me: Well yo mama so stupid she tried to climb Mountain Dew
Motherhood is when your child looks like a sparkling cherub and you look like a steaming pile of nope.
I went to the paint store to get thinner, it didn’t work.
Him: I’ll pay for dinner.
Me: I want to pay.
Him: I’ll feel better if you let me pay.
Me: Well, if your health is involved, go ahead…
Godzilla was the first house flipper.
Boss: We need you to go undercover
Me: No problem I’m great at keeping secrets like when I peed my pants on my first day here
Boss: Today’s your first day
Take a look at trending topics and you’ll realize why they have to write “do not eat” on dry silica packets.
CW: Why don’t you ever wear your hair down?
Me: It makes me look approachable.
CW: So?
Me: I don’t want to encourage that.