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[calculating calories]
Breakfast: 300
Lunch: 500
Dinner: 700
Snacking while preparing dinner: 8,374
I’m not hungover. I just like to wear my sunglasses when I open the fridge door. It makes me look cool.
cat owners will hear their cat go “prrrp” in a certain tone and be like “oh one second my cat wants the heating pad turned on”
“And now it’s time for Guess How Many Belly Rubs I Want! Remember, contestants, guess wrong and you get the claws!”
– Cat game shows
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who can’t get the dinosaur on his shirt to eat its food
World domination? I don’t even want to be responsible for myself.
cool hat i found in the hospital bathroom for a cowboy like myself
GOD: I call those trees and plants
ANGEL: very beautiful
GOD: ya I’m gonna make some people allergic to them
ANGEL: dude who hurt you
It frustrates me when people refuse to adopt the technology of the day and respond promptly to my faxes.
4yo does not want to go to school anymore, she wants to be homeschooled
I told her I will homeschool her this week and then she will go back to school next week. She’s delighted!
(There is no school this week)
Me: Yells at my kids to stop wasting water.
Also me: Washes same load of laundry three times.
Break up by making swimming motion arms every time they want to hold hands.
Sure you may FEEL old, but did YOUR parents need a TV commercial to remind them you existed?
I child proofed my entire house…
and they still got in
*co-worker approaching elevator*
*I try to hit “close door” button*
*I miss, hit “open door”*
Co-worker: thanks for holding it
Me: Of course
I got a weather service alert that my area is under a flash flood warning and to “take immediate action” so I bought a boat on Amazon. I don’t know I feel like they could be more specific.
Can Happiness buy money?
We will use anything but the metric system
My parents are always pestering me to have kids. “Who will carry on the ancient family curse?” they say.
my cat frankie loves this weird ugly chair that came with my apartment. it’s gotta be one of his top 3 favorite spots to chill or sleep and probably like every third time i walk in and find him there i go “chairman of the board over here” but he never laughs
my cat just woke up, accused me of a crime, and went back to sleep
*Goes to Vegas casino
*Steps out of limo
Casino manager: Sir, are you a high roller?
Me: I am, now point me to your finest claw machine.
[olive garden]
HOST: when you’re here you’re family
DAD: brb gonna go grab some cigarettes
I saw her biting her bottom lip so I threw her a cupcake. Poor girl must have been starving.
Dearest Emma,
The COVID battle’s intensified. I helped an old lady load groceries. I put all the heavy items into her car.
Then I lost myself, Emma. I stole her toilet paper. It was 3 ply Quilted Northern, the kind with aloe. The lavender scent reminded me of you.
War is hell.
My uncle got stuck in a cloud while skydiving and lived for 72 days by drinking rain and eating birds that flew too close
power walking from my problems because running will draw their attention
Naked and Afraid. But it’s just me using the shower at my gym.
You ever notice that no one ever posts a story about meeting someone from Twitter in real life because they’re probably in a pit in a basement somewhere putting the lotion in the basket?
A saltwater crocodile’s bite can exert up to 3,700 lbs of pressure per square inch, which scientists say is notably less than that produced by my Dad Stare. Tread carefully, chief