You Might Also Like
Autocorrect changed “bible” to “bourbon” and that should tell you everything you need to know about me
I’m waiting to board my flight at the airport and I just saw a woman finish her book, stand up and angrily throw it in the bin.
the best thing to throw at your spouse when you’re having a fight is a croissant cuz he’ll try to catch it in his mouth but it comes back to you like a boomerang & that’s just a delicious way to end a marriage . you’re welcome .
Shout out to sidewalks.
Thanks for keeping me off the streets.
God gives his toughest battles* to his strongest soldiers.
*I have to log back into Hulu on my TV.
My Christmas shopping will be financed by my swear jar again this year.
Hi, I need to schedule a doctor’s appointment. Why? I’m down a few pounds and need it documented in my permanent record. I AM THINNER and won’t be ignored.
[first date]
HER: i’m super close to my dad
ME: *trying to impress* you’re grounded
Pineapple is simply evil. Think about it:
• step on it, it stabs you
• eat too much, it’ll shred your tongue
• put it on pizza and before you know it you’ll find yourself in the psych wardIt’s definitely an unforgiving fruit and I will accept no argument on this.
What idiot decided to call them meteorologists and not Storm Troopers
Son: I have to bring a giraffe to school tomorrow
Hub: *types in zoo coordinates & grabs keys*
Me: He means a graph
Hub: I GOT THIS HONEY
Would you rather live without coffee or without Wi-Fi?
“Hi, my name is Gary and I’m a shopaholic, my favorite place to shop is the alcohol store.”
can’t stop thinking about the time my husband said my hair looked nice “like a waterfall in the front & a velociraptor in the back”
will somebody tell my friend its spelled “gif” not “gf” and its not special that he has one, i have like 400 on my computer
*married driving*
Her: ‘You should pass this guy.’
Me: ‘You should have told me that vasectomy was completely unnecessary.’
me and my buddies are playing “soup fight”. that’s where we each embody a different vegetable and get in a nice hot tub together. and then we fight
A girl with kaleidoscope eyes sounds horrifying.
CW: You’re not wearing a costume.
M: Yes I am.
CW: You’re dressed as yourself?
M: No. I’m a serial killer. We look just like everyone else.
Clerk: we’re not that kind of mom and pop shop
Batman: *eyes welling*
if the benadryl doesn’t work use the back of a shovel
I wore skinny jeans once, it looked like when you try to get a tent back in a bag and give up half way
With a straight face, my neighbor asked me not to do yardwork when her boyfriend is outside.
So yes, I think they’re in a healthy relationship.
Saw a tweet about foods to help your sex life.
I need sex to help my sex life, not food.
Before Google, people had to go out in the alley and yell “WHAT’S THE NAME OF THE MONKEY FROM ALADDIN?” until they got some answers.
Ladies, let’s remember: The shoes aren’t sexy if you look like a newborn calf trying to walk in them.
Scientist: Finally, my modeling algorithm ‘Predicting Cat Behavior’ is complete!
Cat: *walks across the keyboard, deleting the file*
My wife: let me borrow your phone a sec …
Me: [cartwheels into a volcano]
Today a coworker from another department was talking about her daughter, Haysleigh, and I guess I gave an eyebrow raise because she immediately said “like paisley but agricultural” then spelled it and I felt my soul leave my body
What would aliens say if told that Earthlings shift clocks by an hour to fool themselves into thinking there’s more sunlight