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My goal weight is to stop hearing ‘you have a great personality’
It’s an scientific fact that the smoke detector battery will only die at 0230
I’ve quit my new job as a postman…..
…..they handed me my first letter to deliver, I looked at it and thought:
“This isn’t for me.”
That moment when you see candid pics of yourself, taken from behind while out walking and it just confirms you look like a giant chicken nugget propped up on two waffle cones.
Achievement unlocked – 30th Birthday!
Life Exp +10
Knee HP -10
Please enter new password
Me: Candy123
Password shouldn’t be similar to previous password
We recommend this password
J:$aBhh?/@‘c,2.”1f3&,0LP?!477F.91$uMe: Candy123!
Boss: Why is there an olive in your water?
Me: What water? Oh yeah this, this is definitely water.
Autocorrect changed swab to swan and now my covid test is way more complicated. And dangerous.
looking for a buddy to go together on knuckle tats:
[P][E][R][S] [O][N][A][L]
[P][A][N][P] [I][Z][Z][A]
*as i lovingly cradle my mug of tea & gaze out the window at a beautiful meadow where several deer are prancing & butterflies are fluttering around & chipmunks are doing whatever the hell they do an intrusive thought pops into my head*
i wonder if my car is still in the pool?
I don’t know if this is a good idea.
Narrator: He knew, in fact, it was an awful idea.
“Dad why’d u name me this?”
I named u after the greatest athlete to ever live
“Oh ok”
Now let’s go, Air Bud, we’re gonna be late for church
Me: I’m cutting back on wine!
Future Me: You might want to hold off on that decision until you hear what’s coming .
Fun fact: Snakes don’t exist. They were made up by scientists in 1923 as a joke that went too far so they just kinda rolled with it
[High school reunion]
Me: I’m in the army now.Friend: I thought you were either going to be a referee or an attorney.
Me: Yeah I couldn’t decide between boxers and briefs so I went commando
LIFE HACK: don’t give your children weird names
ME: stop complaining, when i named you Life Hack it was on a dare and i won
People in horror movies be like “this weapon just saved my life, I’m gonna toss it aside now”
I’m writing Spider Ma’am, about a middle aged woman who gets bitten by a radioactive spider but keeps it to herself because she doesn’t freaking need this.
Her: You sound hoarse. What’s wrong?
*flashback to me screaming Taylor Swift songs in my car on the way home*
Me: Dunno. Probably a cold.
Getting pretty tired of Vin Diesel hopping into the passenger seat yelling “PUNCH IT” when I am just trying to eat my lunch alone in my car
It’s so strange, my 5 yr old is only “starving to death” when he hears the word “bedtime”
What a random, consistent, coincidence
I wouldn’t mind razor blades in my Halloween candy this year, they’re getting really expensive.
Little known fact: Arizona’s state flower is pavement.
Them: thanks for the anti-perspirant
Me: no sweat
If they really loved you, they’d absorb you through osmosis.
When people are kissing in public, it’s weird how angry they get when you try and join in.
listen kid, i have social media profiles older than you
The coolest thing about dating Mystique from the X-men is the unlimited free food samples she can get for you at Costco
Looking forward to getting my eyes checked. It’s the only doctor who doesn’t weigh me.
“Alex is visiting later tonight.”
Alex from work or Alex the astronaut with amazing hearing?
[From the moon] It’s not me, Thelma. Hi Bob.