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My husband surprised me by taking the day off. I guess today is the day he finds out we’ve actually had a cleaning company for the last 5 years.
bank robber: everyone on the ground and drop whatever is in your hands!!
me: [holding a $9 Starbucks coffee, a tear rolls down my cheek] no
Avoid calls from pesky bill collectors by not paying your phone bill.
I think I sprained my hot dog eatin’ wrist
Why call it a couple getting into a dispute into a hardware store rather than “We’ve turned this Home Depot into a House Depot.”
And then I heard my mother’s voice come out of my mouth like a demonic possession, “Get your hands off my breakable ornaments!”
WIFE: I just read an article on why women live longer than men.
ME: *trying to do a handstand in the shower* WHAT’S THAT BABE??
The top Little Caesars pizza competitor is Big Brutus.
My daughter asked me if the tooth fairy would only give money for *her* teeth and I’m a little concerned
me: [tied to a chair] i’ll never talk
terrorist: we’re gonna make you step in wet
me: what
terrorist: with sock
me: no
Air pods looking like an angry frog
worst…sale…ever
Take me down to the paradise city where the grass is green and hey why did you bring all these goats they’re eating this luscious grass.
I hope someday they make tombstones that have a short repetitive video of the deceased person, so that my last words can be “I’ll be back in a gif!”
My mum just messaged to say that yesterday she turned off her 20 year old PC, ‘at the wall’, without shutting it down properly. ‘That couldn’t have caused anything, could it?’ 😂
‘Probably’.
I’m such a great mom. I taught my kids archaeology during quarantine.
I mean, they dug up an opossum skull while they were digging a trench in the backyard unsupervised.
Archaeology.
I think the hot dog eating competition should award me extra points for not blinking during the event.
We can only blame SO much on trump. Some things are just Ryan Seacrest’s fault.
I am all good here, 😂😉
I don’t understand how planes work and I’m scared if I think about it too hard the plane will also realise it doesn’t make sense and drop out of the sky 🙁
The eclipse was like April fools for birds
I get it dogs, I wish I could yell at strangers approaching my house too
I’m so tired of all this cheap chicanery! Sir, where do you keep the expensive chicanery?
Think I accidentally left a ‘do not disturb’ sign on my personality and haven’t had a ‘good morning’ message since 2020
A woman at the gym is wearing a shirt that says “oh my quad Becky look at those squats”
The downside of studying law: you think a lawsuit is the solution to all problems. *resists from threatening Dominos for not giving oregano*
Hear me out.. fashion bibs for adult messy eaters, like me
Me: Whatcha doing on the PC?
Daughter: Looking at peckers.
M: WHAT?!?
D: Science project on chickens.
M: Oh.
D: You walked RIGHT into that.
My best friend just ask me to be her maid of honor. What did I ever do to her???
The same mosquito kept biting me last night. He probably thought he was at a wine tasting event.