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Me: Everyone’s doing an Easter tweet today, guess I should do one
Also me: *flipping through bible for research* whoa whoa whoa what are they gonna do with those nails
[1st day as a paramedic]
me: can you point to where it hurts
cyclist: [points at his severed leg at the other side of the road]
Some people can fast for a day or two and remain peaceful.
I go 3 hours without eating and I’m yelling at dust.
If God hates gays so much, why didn’t he put it in the ten commandments? Instead he’s more pissed that you’re jealous of your friend’s PS4
I’m not average. I’m mean.
The most elusive of all creatures is the camo camo camo camo camo chameleon
I had to deal with the most impatient and rudest cashier.
I’m never using self-checkout again.
The best part of Halloween is all the Jehovah’s Witnesses wondering why they’re being given candy.
Just saw a set of sheets online for $1300.
Lemme tell you something…for that kind of money, those sheets better wash themselves, put themselves back on the bed, make my husband stop snoring, remove my eye wrinkles, and give me back the deep, uninterrupted sleep of my youth.
Her: I love Fight Club
Me: (trying to impress her): *I knock myself out*
Why is it called scissoring instead of clash of clams?
Me: *throws banana and waits for it to return, boomerang style* that’s the last time I ever believe anything I read on Yahoo Answers…
My blow up doll has started wheezing and she’s loosing weight rapidly. Getting very concerned.
*Turning off led flashlight.
Led flashlight: hahahahaha
I had sex once and once was enough
Wait, where did those 3 kids come from?😂
THERAPIST: You need more friends
ME: I put bird seed that attracts raccoons in the backyard, last week
THERAPIST: …
ME: …
THERAPIST: … So all of these-
ME: [surrounded by raccoons] Whatever you have to say to me, you can say in front of the garbage boys
I just told my kids they’ll never beat me at the silent treatment and they fell for it. The last 10 minutes have been heaven.
mom: what’d you do today?
christopher robin: the pantsless bear in crop top needed my help cuz he got covered in honey and stuck in a hole
mom: …okay maybe no more going to the woods alone for awhile.
Me: I think I’m gonna do a live scream tonight
Her, about to regret asking this question: don’t you mean live strea-
Me: *inhales*
I tried a push-up once but I decided I really do like lying on my face more.
I wish they’d just come up with a smoke detector that stops beeping when I yell “alright!”.
shrek the third may have not been as great as the other movies but this transition still gets me
I just got super defensive to my phone when i was cheating on the times crossword
I was like “hey! Maybe i just wanted to know who the protagonist of clan of the cave was for an entirely different reason!”
Snakes are terrifying because they can’t trip and fall over shit. No creature should possess such power.
Your preoccupation with Hugh Jackman, Hugh Grant and Hugh Laurie is irritating. Why do you have to make everything about Hugh?
[job interview]
interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years?
me: that’s a trick question there is no c in any of those words
me: *whispering angrily against his lips* no it’s not ok
waiter: *whispers back* but have you ever actually tried Pepsi
my mom texts me money bag emojis when i forget to pay her just like the mob.
When I was a kid there were two sure ways to die, natural causes and talking back to your parents.
As a kid my favorite part of the school year was emptying the coat closets that last week. Forgotten clothes. Abandoned book bags. And especially that brown bag terrarium that was once a peanut butter and jelly sandwich.