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You: Where’s Carl?
Me: That fool done gone and lost his mind
You: Thats too bad. What’s for dinner?
Me: Funny you should ask
[blind date]
(don’t let her know ur a dog walker)
“So what do u do?”
Well, I’m like a-
[13 dogs jump up on the table and eat her dinner]
Sorry for throwing mice at your wedding.
Me- owns 2 pairs of pants
My 8 month old, who has no where to go-
My wife has so many different sighs they should have subtitles.
How the Grinch Stole Christmas (1966): A hermit living within his means is ultimately corrupted by the power of consumerism.
God: you’re man’s best friend
Dog: OMG! Love it!
God: yup
Dog: dynamic duo, partners in crime!
God: well..
Dog: two of a kind, 50/50! we make decisions together!
God: you live in a kennel in the yard
Dog: what
edibles don’t work unless you talk shit about them first LMAO
If you’re wondering how lazy I am today, I just pulled a chair up to the fridge.
Creepy guy at gas station: you got boyfriend?
Me: um yes. I’m married.
CG: *shrugs* your loss.
Me:
CG:
Just found out my girlfriend cheated on me, but I got her back by sleeping with her best friend. “That’s right, I fucked Gary you whore!!
inventor of the sword: [watching a sword swallowing contest] oh no. no no no
As we start watching horror movies for October, this is more relevant than ever.
I don’t need feimsm i like my men to be REAL MEN! the worst day of my life was when i realised i had mistakenly married a big bag of oranges
Drove to my parents house to exchange ham and coconut cake from 6 feet apart. It was like a weird ham and coconut cake drug deal.
ME: *making lightsaber noises*
COWORKER: *in next urinal* you’re getting pee on my shoes.
“Read that again”
No thanks, it sucked the first time.
Robber: Give me your phone and don’t try anything funny. *looks at my tweets* Ok, I see that you haven’t.
“I wasn’t born yesterday.”
-hilarious talking baby
Stop bringing shitty Bluetooth speakers on hikes. No one came to the woods to hear you listen to Katy Perry
“Hello, 911? Hi, I was just wondering: is it stop, drop, THEN roll? Cause my friend–STOP SCREAMING, I’M ASKING THEM”
“SELF CARE!” I scream as my trench coat full of monkeys scurries toward everyone’s wallets and watches.
[first day in hell]
Satan: WELCOME TO ETERNAL HELLFIRE!
Me: ugh, thank god, my feet are freezing
Satan: HAHAH- what?
Me: *cuddling under a burning blanket* so cozy
Satan: wait, where did you get the hot cocoa?
Dear websites I don’t give a shit what you do with my cookies right now
What’s the difference between a guy wearing a bullet proof vest and the English football team? The guy would survive the first round.
that time Mario got bit by a radioactive koala
[Afterlife]
Bird 1: All he had was one rock.
Bird 2: His aim was perfection.
Surprise your buddy by putting on clown makeup and dying in his attic.
It’s difficult to do a sassy walk away when you’ve tied your shoelaces together
I know this now
First date idea.
Pick your favorite pizza place, and send one to my house.