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Ever notice how much easier it is to be nice to people when they’re leaving?
Gf: We’re gonna be late for our dinner reservation
Me: Hang on, I’m right at the end of my book
Gf: FFS he’s there, behind that tree
Me: Waldo you rascal!
Thought I’d be trendy and try one of these ‘alternative milks’.
I don’t know what a magnesia is, but it made my Cocoa Puffs taste horrible…
[digging through lost and found]
Target employee: What are you trying to find?
Me: My son
Always be careful when you drink and laugh 🤣
“You’re never going to believe this, but my doctor just told me I’ve got a protein deficiency.”
“No whey!”
*on the phone*
Me: I’d like to order a 12″ cheese steak.
Him: Sure. That’ll be $13.39.
M: How long will it be?
H: Uhh, a foot?
M: …
Me: When I die, cremate me and dump my ashes in the Gulf.
15: Ok
Me: And a memorial bench by the beach.
15: No, you’re not getting a bench, they cost a fortune. Not a chance. I’ll slap a sticker with your name on it on a bench outside of Target and we’ll call it a day.
“You know who James Earl Jones looks like? William Shatner. Or Katy Perry.”
– My kid, who has apparently seen none of these people
friend: i’m just going to date myself
me: you can do better
At least the self-checkout doesn’t ask me what I’m making for dinner with these items or when I’m going to call my mother.
GIRL: Spirit, should I have sex with this guy?
ME: *tries to push the ouija pointer to yes but it won’t move* (under breath) grandma, PLEASE
I’m sorry I hosed off your toddler as he walked by my house but I can’t afford to get sick right now.
I grilled a bunch of elk meat before my buddy told me,
“You’re making a big moose steak.”
it’s so important to spend hours reading various product reviews across multiple sites before saying “yeah fuck it this one” and buying whatever you happen to be looking at around 2 am
Blackberry users thought of making a joke abt the Apple-Samsung battle, but before they cud tweet thr phone hanged n battery drained out
Things that made my toddler cry this week:
– he couldn’t wear waffles to daycare
– I beat him in a race
– he beat me in a race
– pancakes had uneven distribution of chocolate chips
– he wanted his boogers backHow about your kid?
If Spotify has taught me anything, it’s that I don’t know the correct lyrics to any of my favourite songs.
This is what happens when an AP style journalist marries an English major and the English major edits the wedding website copy
“Don’t eat the baby” is practical advice on Fat Tuesday and every day.
Me: 46 and out of shape
Also me: Looks around for NBA scouts any time I make a basket
GOD: YOU ARE BANISHED FOR EATING THE FORBIDDEN FRUIT
Adam: sorry, Eve told me to!
Eve: i didn’t say “apple” i asked you to eat my a–
GOD: THAT ALSO IS FORBIDDEN
If someone says they like something, responding with “You would” is a highly efficient put-down. In just two words, you’ve implied that a) the thing they like sucks, and b) they have predictably bad taste. Work smarter, not harder.
Some people are like water balloons, they’re more fun when you throw them out the window.
Waldo has a tough time at the gym because no one spots him
all pants are breakaway pants if you’re angry enough
“Why can’t I just eat the wax?”
~me, when I can’t open the cheese
*On date*
Her: hey, how are you?
Me: yeah really g..
BRAIN: *interrupting* TELL HER THAT RAP ABOUT ANTS YOU MADE UP ON THE WAY HERE.
[dollar store orientation]
trainer: and how much does this cost?
me: um, a dollar?
trainer: wow are you sure this is your first day