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8- “Mom, where do babies come from?”
Me- “From backrubs honey.”
me: *gets vaccinated*
friend: now u can come to my wedd-
me: *gets unvaccinated*
It breaks my heart to think that of the 100 million hardworking pads of paper in this country, only about 20% are legal.
The most dangerous game but it’s just me seeing how many pages of a kids book I can skip at bedtime
BOSS: I see you got the memo about not vaping in the men’s restroom?
ME: [vaping in the ladies restroom] I did.
The key to being remembered isn’t delivering some big all encompassing piece of wisdom, my grandpa taught me that pinching the tail of a shrimp helps you get all the meat out and now he briefly lives again each time I go shrimp mode (happens a lot)
Her: What do you like about me?
Me: Your crippling self esteem issues have caused you to lower your standards.
Her: What?
Me: Your eyes
Just a reminder, folks:
suddenly remembered when I explained updog to my father and he didn’t even blink, just said “oh, we had something like that when I was a kid, a henway”
“what’s a henway?”
“about five pounds”
Nobody likes failing a CAPTCHA but you don’t need to worry if you’re really a robot unless you notice more than the normal amount of springs and gears in your poop.
Pro-tip to avoid corona-virus
Eat garlic.
Lots of garlic.
It won’t do anything against the virus, but it will keep other people away.
If I was a vampire, pretty sure I’d find a way to cover blood in cheese.
Ok, I’ll admit it, my choice of words is sometimes influenced by which ones I think I can spell correctly.
HER: Did you eat my Milk Duds?
ME: *silently chews for 7 minutes, finally swallows* first of all, i don’t appreciate your accusations
We already did thanksgiving here in Canada so I won’t spoil the ending for you
i do believe that bears are dangerous and anyone who thinks they can get close to one is very stupid. but i also think i am different and the bear would sense my loving spirit
Not saying I’m lazy, but if we had a motion detector alarm in our house it wouldn’t have gone off all day yesterday, even though I was home.
Keep your friend’s toast and your enemy’s toaster.
Got banned from helping my granddaughter write sentences with spelling words. Apparently third graders can’t write about tequila.
Kids: We’re bored!
Me: Why don’t you go play Uno and then fight when someone loses?
Am I a bad navigator? Well off course
Treat your relationships as you would your teeth, daily attention and they could last a lifetime, too bad the same can’t be said for hair.
I hate to rub it in, but lotion doesn’t really work otherwise.
My 6-year-old is looking at pictures of me when I was 18 and she keeps saying “You still look the same!” Might write her siblings out of the will and leave everything to her idk
I’m a man of conviction, but no jail time.
i get hit by lightning while flying a kite:
“what a dumbass”
“he might be dead”ben franklin gets hit by lightning while flying a kite:
“genius”
“let him create our entire political system”
“put him on money”
“sex symbol”
“Damn girl are you?” -Existentialist pick-up line
Fun to hear newscasters, while their chopper hovers over an active crime scene, scold people “the last thing the police need is spectators”
Soo… I guess when he asked for my number he didn’t mean how many lovers I’ve had?
