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[1st date]
Her: So, tell me about yourself
Me: Well, I’ve got a black belt-
Her: Oh!
Me: …and *looking down*.. brown shoes, gray socks…
“Please be aware that we are experiencing higher than average call volume”
*connects*
Agent: Hello
Me (whispering): hello
ok wow… unfollowing now. was a big fan of his food but I was not aware he was just an untalented guy being controlled by a rat
When a guy shaves his head bald and wears a sweatband, the top of his head looks like a stick of roll-on deodorant.
“Hey pregnant, I’m dad”
….
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“Oh god wait.”
Darth Vader- Dark Lord
Ranger- park lord
Neighbor’s dog- bark lord
Marty Byrde- Ozark lord
Noah- ark lord
Twitter celebrity- checkmark lord
DEA chief- narc lord
Brandon- Stark lord
Sarah Silverman- snark lord
Mikhail Gorbachev- birthmark lord
I received a call from a charity asking me to donate clothes for starving people. Anyone who can fit into my clothes isn’t starving!
I found toothpaste on my comb, door and pet tortoise and now I’m reconsidering teaching my child about good oral hygiene.
[from the sperm donation room]
Me: *screaming with the door cracked open* I NEED MORE CUPS
I’m at the point in my marriage where I can’t tell if my husband is reaching towards my face to caress it or to remove crumbs from the side of my mouth.
“We only had 5 channels and no remote” is the new “I walked uphill both ways, barefoot to school when I was a kid.”
It was the best of times, it was the worst of times.
-Me with beer, me without beer
Taylor Swift seems like the kind of chick who’d stare at her boyfriend while he’s sleeping.
We named our beautiful daughter after my mother.
Passive Aggressive Psycho turns 22 this year!
9yo: what kind of place is Centerfolds?
me: um, I think it’s a place to practice, like, folding stuff.
9yo: like clothes?
me: no they don’t have clothes there.
2020: My work here is done. Nothing will ever top my masterpiece.
2021: Hold my Mountain Dew.
I just observed a sign that said “How do nudists clean their glasses?” so there’s that question to keep you up at night.
Yes, my teeth are dazzling, but, please, treat me no differently than you would the next demigod.
We talk a lot about the conflict between slow vs fast walkers and not enough about encountering someone who walks EXACTLY YOUR SPEED and it turns into a heated but silent conflict
call me a mcdonald’s ice cream machine bc i dont feel like working today
God: I made spring time so that all could witness nature’s rebirth!
Satan: I make people scroll down to find their birth year.
*sticks a pencil in your ear and manually rewinds you back before you opened your mouth*
I’m at my sexiest when I find the grown out patch of hair on the outside of my ankle I missed with the razor the last 17 times I shaved.
” Don’t be upset”
Thanks man , I needed to be told that
I’m better now.
Me: Our house is always so messy! What can we do?
Husband: I’m inclined to ask the kids to leave
I want to open a coffee shop at the Family Law Court called Grounds for Divorce
I was on a date with a girl and she said “did you notice my finger nails?” And I was like “yes” and she was like “well I have no arms”
I am not a parody account. I am The Lord thy God, King of the Universe, and I am communicating by Twitter because My fax is broken.
I hope the next variant mutates to turn everyone into Cats, makes this all worthwhile.
my brain: knows jfc stands for Jesus Fricking Christ
also my brain: John F. Cennedy
ALSO my brain: Jentucky Fried Chicken