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A nice looking girl waved at me earlier today but there was no way I was swimming out that far to save her.
I wanted to feel like a kid again so I soaked every towel getting out of the shower and trashed the bathroom.
Me: You’re cleaning out the basement?
Her: Yes I am decluttering my life. I have a new rule: If I haven’t used it in 3 months, I’m getting rid of it.
Me: I guess I’ll be packing my bags then.
“Beat up anybody you see drinking 7UP”
-first rule of Sprite Club
my dad didn’t let me date untill i was pregnant…
Me: Got any baby aspirin?
Clerk: No, we’re out
Me: *Slides two aspirin bottles together. Plays Marvin Gaye*
Clerk: Sir–
Me: DON’T RUSH THEM!
Don’t call me honey or baby if I don’t know you.
I’ll marry you and move my mother in with us and then you’ll be sorry.
*always thought ‘copulation’ was the amount of police officers in a given country.
If you say “it’s twelve noon,” I assume you eat cow beef and didn’t do well at education school
Charlotte’s Web is the book that inspired a generation of vegetarians. It’s true. I read it when I was 7 & I haven’t eaten a spider since
If I was planning a heist, I simply wouldn’t hire the guy who always loses his temper and kills somebody
I fell asleep at 3:45. My 5yo woke up at 6:30.
Use protection, young people.
[puts hand on wife’s stomach as baby kicks]
Come out here & try that.
Why is no one talking about how hamsters taste NOTHING like ham?!
I like to yell “Stranger danger!”whenever my boss introduces me to a new client.
AC changed “self-love” to “seldom love.” So my phone and I are now in couples therapy.
*1st date*
[Be cool, just dont let her know youre a 1st generation PS3]
So where do y-
*internal cooling fan drowns out entire conversation*
Strange
It’s all fun in the sun until a swarm of mosquitoes is carrying your kid across the yard.
You know you’re in a good relationship when she turns off all the lights so you can sit together by the window and listen to the neighbors fight.
Does beer think about me too?
“Nice to meet you. What’s your real name? Want to see my dick?” – Every Kik convo, ever
BARISTA: Thanks for coming. Enjoy your coffee!
ME: Thanks. You too!
BARISTA: You too? Oh no. Not again.
*pours ninth cup of coffee for the day and drinks it while excitedly sobbing
How about a ceiling fan with brakes so I don’t have to stand there for 10 seconds wondering if I actually turned it off.
1995: oh cool, an online book store
2025: “please scan this qr code and take a brief survey in order to flush your toilet”
I’ve never run a marathon, but once I walked real fast across a parking lot because Krispy Kreme was about to close.
[run into an old classmate]
Them: You’ve gained a little weight.
Me: You’ve stayed ugly.
Computer: Login failed. Did you forget your password?
Me: oh shi–[Cut to my password waiting alone on the side of a soccer field]
My local Costco is out of Eggo waffles. A man & woman reached for the last box at the same time. Though he was there first by about 2 secs, the woman insisted they should go to her & her children. I KID YOU NOT, the man, who had his 2 teens w/him, replied, “Ma’am, leggo my Eggo.”
Patience is what parents have when there are witnesses.