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Wife: how’s potty training been today?
Me: he peed twice!
Wife: that’s great!
Me: *covered in piss* no, it’s not.
Sometimes you think you only have one cat but after you stay home a week you find you have two that look alike.
Give it a rest, Quinoa. I know birdseed when I see it.
Roman: Any last words?
Jesus: I’ll be back.
Try and stop me.
I just watched Grease and it makes me sad how kids today are too lazy to buy matching leather jackets and smoke cigarettes.
succession but with mickey mouse and friends
“Do you smoke the devil’s lettuce?”
Mom, why the h*ck would I smoke coleslaw
Recipe called for 3 eggs. Only had 2. No problem, I thought, I’ll just cut the recipe by one third.
Deep within the ingredient list, 2 and 2/3 cups of Bisquick cackled, basking in the moment it would reveal itself, far too late for anything to stop the math that would be needed
They should let you spend one night in a house before you buy/rent it, just to make sure it’s haunted.
how much would it cost?
“the guy who does our estimates isn’t here right now”
around what time will he be back?
“did you not just hear me?”
Nose so runny it just signed me up for a 10k
I took one of those DNA tests and found out I am 30% mashed potatoes.
Me: my Husband always wanted a Viking funeral
Friend: but weren’t you supposed to wait until he died to shoot him with a flaming arrow?
Me: ugh, that’s what the jury said too.
Guard: visiting hours are up.
Remember Chucky? This is what he looks like now.
COP: the word booty is painted all over ur neighbor’s house
ME: that’s awful
COP: he has video of the culprit
ME: that’s even worse isn’t it
It doesn’t matter what’s behind you, keep moving forward at your own pace, you’ll get there..
Unless it’s flashing lights behind you ..then floor it and hope they don’t catch up…
My new erotic novel “Love in the time of autocorrect” will be out soon. Here is a sample
[airport]
For $800 more you can upgrade to Arctic Class
What’s that?
Same as coach but the flight staff is penguins
[slaps table] SOLD
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i have super vision
professor x: oh?
mom: stop talking to strangers
Death is not the end.
You still have to dispose of the body and hide the evidence.
Halifax authorities had to remove a deer from a downtown bar. Proving once and for all that Halifax bouncers don’t check IDs.
My home security system is just a copy of my paycheck taped to my front door.
so dumb when forks have less than four pokey things. who do u think u are. a threek? ha
If you wanna see that guy you used to like, go out in public looking your worst and it’s practically guaranteed.
The word Ohio looks like a tractor
Hilarious that in this day and age there are people who expect you to be presentable at any given time. Like, no, bro, I need at least a half hour lead time to turn this mess around.
Ever since my boss discovered my Twitter account, these drug tests are seeming a lot less ‘random’.
If you would have told me when I started this account that my dumb parenting jokes would eventually lead to a dream job writing for a Netflix series, I would’ve said that was crazy. Fast forward to today, and I can confirm that it’s crazy. Nothing remotely like that has happened.
yeah i’d have thought so, he’s a cat
