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[hotel]
me: do you offer turndown service
concierge: sorry no
me: thank you
Priest: may God rest his soul
*casket begins to lower*
*I start clapping*
*everyone looks at me*
Me: sorry was that not the end of it
the year is 2025. ur child comes home from their first day of school saying they made a friend. ur ecstatic. there are numbers in his friend’s name and u think to urself ‘odd but ok.’ u call to set up lunch with the young robot’s parents. a tesla pulls up and u realize ur mistake
I feel the need, the need for tweed.
– Professors at Top Gun
Someone said I was racist because I misspelled pico de gallo. It’s like they don’t even know I misspell English words also…
Probably the worst thing about dying a virgin would be all the dead terrorists that are waiting for you.
can’t talk my ride’s here
Please. Old people. When you comment on a Facebook pic you don’t need to end with Love, James. WE CAN SEE YOUR NAME YOU’RE NOT AN OSTRICH
It’s true I hear voices in my head but they speak Russian so I have absolutely no idea what they’re saying
Who decided that a clown popping suddenly out of a metal box would be a good toy for young children?
Ice cream. Ewes scream. We all scream because there are angry sheep in this Baskin Robbins.
When the priest reads my eulogy, I want the first line to be “Personally, I never liked this asshole”.
Establish dominance in the mom group by looking the other moms in the eye as you jump on a trampoline without going to the bathroom first.
me: [waiting in line at the bank]
other bank robber: “keith just go to the front”
Wife says I shouldn’t look at my phone in public because I get distracted and lose track of her and the kids. Can’t wait to tell her how wrong she is, once I find them at this Farmer’s Market.
There are two types of people who go on vacation together. One wants to be the Indiana Jones of adventures and the other wants to eat themselves into a food coma, and pass out at the pool until sunburned.
*admires David at the museum* I can’t believe a teenage mutant ninja turtle sculpted this
You’re like if “nope” was a person.
The roof of my mouth has had it too easy lately. I’m gonna eat some scalding hot pizza followed by a handful of granola.
Autocorrect just changed AC to autocorrect even though I meant air conditioning. And I thought I was full of myself.
i’m an idiot but secretly a genius but even more secretly than that, i’m an idiot
Forgot the word for flamingo earlier so I called it a karate turkey.
“Mom, I’m an adult. There’s nothing left for you to show me.”
(*folds a fitted sheet*)
“TEACH ME YOUR SORCERY, LINEN WIZARD”
My competitive neighbors are flexing on me by mowing their yard first and making mine look like shit.
And just like that, civilisation reached its limits
Come on guys, lemme back in the gang! I’m real good at crimes!
“No”
Why?
“YOU GOT ARRESTED BY A POLICE HORSE CARL HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE”
The best way to see if someone is telling the truth is to tie them to a chair and start up the ol chainsaw.
Drake: you used to call me on my cell phone
Me: that’s what cell phones are for