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Just watched a guy walk out of the tanning place and immediately light a cigarette. Slow down, buddy. Don’t get all the cancer today!
Me: *smugly* I couldn’t name any Taylor Swift Songs
Them: I think she already named them.
My 9 yo talked us into buying him a tracksuit this year. He looks like he’s well on his way to coaching an Olympic skier or arguing over the price of grapes at the supermarket
Someone just told me to “have a blessed day.”
What do you even say to someone like that? I just hissed at them.
Why did Star Wars Episodes 4, 5 & 6 come out before 1,2 & 3?
Because in charge of directing, Yoda was.
ME: In 1923 W. C. Fields said “It ain’t what they call you, it’s what you answer to.”
BARISTA: I just need to write something on the cup.
HER: If you could have any pet—
ME: Panda.
HER: Wow. Okay, what would you name—
ME: Pandrew.
I see a guy with a sharktooth necklace.
Me: Holy shit! That’s the sharpest part of the shark. Who is this mysterious and brave hunk?
[trying to select cells in a table]
ME: alright, I just need A1 to A20
EXCEL: got it *scrolling*
ME: easy does it
EXCEL: …A15, we’re almost there!
ME: yep, let’s bring it in nice and slow
EXCEL: *breathing heavily*
ME: do not
EXCEL: oops
ME:
EXCEL: A7510
ME: f-in A7510
I wore skinny jeans once, it looked like when you try to get a tent back in a bag and give up half way
Accidentally went grocery shopping on an empty stomach and now I’m the proud owner of aisle 7.
My husband ran 13 miles this morning for fun. I had cookies for breakfast. It’s nice to be the sane one for a change.
I lost a contact at the gym and while I was searching for it people started gathering around and long story short I teach yoga now.
My grandfather tried to warn them about the Titanic. He screamed and shouted about the iceberg and how the ship was going to sink, but all they did was throw him out of the theater.
My kid: I’m hungry.
Me: Want some challah?
Kid: Yes! Make sure I get some of the golden part on top.
My brain: Don’t say it…
Me: The crust?
Kid: What?? That’s crust?? I don’t want that.*repeat daily in various scenarios*
*walks into IT department attempting to look cool*
You guys torrent any emails lately?
When I was younger I wished Hulk Hogan would be the president. Now that I’m older I wish Hulk Hogan would be the president.
The sacred texts.
no babe I love that you need to use the washroom because it coincides with my need to look at my phone for 3-7 minutes.
One way to tell if a man is good in bed is to watch him dance. Another good way is to have sex with him.
Of all the things we should be thankful for at this time of year, not being a turkey is probably the main one.
Apparently “will work for food” doesn’t involve hunting.
Due to Corona, we officially have three days of the week
1. Yesterday
2. Today
3. Tomorrow
I dumbed there ONE time and now this.
My neighbor told me to close the curtains when I’m naked, but then I don’t get that cool sensation of pressing up against the window glass
Maybe vet’s office should come with a doggy park just like any DMV should come with a bar
Trying to not lose my SHIT as someone in the office kitchen continues to call Thomas the Tank Engine “Thomas the Train”
I yell “COVER ME!” at my family everyday when I go to the mailbox.
I like you, but I like peeing in swimming pools, so it’s not saying much.