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Them: Do any vampires die in this movie?
Me: No it’s pretty low stakes.
CBS Fall Line-Up:
Big Bang Theory
Young Sheldon
Old Sheldon
Ghost Sheldon
CSI Sheldon
Last Sheldon Standing
America’s Got Sheldons
My bachelor party always end with a wedding.
The carwash is a great place to meet other millionaires who for some reason don’t have garden hoses.
I like to refer to my psychiatrist as a “serotonin artist.”
Hilarious when peoples outgoing voicemail message says they “can’t make it to the phone right now.” You carry the phone with you. It’s the only constant in your life
The eighties were great except for all the spinning right ‘round like a record.
A spider jumped on my wife which made her stumble backwards and fall over her bag. Oh how I laughed!
Tweet posted from the guest bedroom.
I see your account went private, good luck on the job hunt
Jeans: jeans
Jorts: jean shorts
Jancakes: (you guessed it) jean pancakes
ever since i was young i knew i wanted to be on the computer
[first day as a riot cop]
chief: disperse the crowd
me:
T HC R E
O D
W
If you end calls with telemarketers by saying “OK love you bye,” they put you on their Do Not Call list.
Parents are like “You left a gently used paper towel in your room over christmas. Do you need that? Want me to mail it?”
Friend: I hate frozen pizza
Me: I hate frozen pizza too. That’s why I put it in the oven for a bit before I eat it.
Friend:
date: what music do you listen to?
me: oh, uhh you know. crosby, stills. (1 hour later) nash. (sending her a text message the next day) and young
dude it’s called proctologist
Your Joke Is Factually Incorrect – A Guide to Dying Alone.
Puts kids to bed at 6PM: they wake up at 6AM
Puts kids to sleep at 8PM: they wake up at 6AM
There is no winning 🙄
Interviewer: tell me about your leadership skills
Me: YOU tell ME about my leadership skills
Interviewer: holy shit, you’re hired
Me: I’m sorry, we have to let you go
Interviewer: dammit
Me to me: I will spend this day in isolation doing productive things I’ve always wanted to get done
Me, six hours later, finally glancing up from my phone: pardon
Sometimes when I’m about to sneeze, I snort some glitter. Then when I finally sneeze, glitter fills the air and people think I’m a wizard.
[at the drug store]
Employee: May I help you, sir?
Me (nervously): YEAH, I’M LOOKING FOR SOMETHING CALLED A “CHILL PILL”
Thinking about getting married? My wife got mad at me for doing all the yard work because we are in a fitbit step challenge together.
Wore my clip-on, flip-up sunglasses in my dating profile pic, because women don’t easily forget something like that.
I was wondering how they got the sign to just float in midair like that. Now it makes sense.
a panty hose is what firemen use when there’s a fire at a Victoria’s Secret (i’m so sorry have a great thanksgiving)
4 year old: Daddy do you have any bat cheese?
Me: Bat cheese?
4: Yes
Me: Bat. Cheese?
4: Yes. Bat cheese.
Me: Why are you asking for… bat cheese?
4: For my car
Me:
4:
Me: Ahhhh batteries. You need batteries!
4: Yes bat cheese! 🙄
It rubs the lotion on its skin and struggles with the doorknobs again.