You Might Also Like
Men: Remember that time…
Women: Yes
“It’s not you, it’s me.” – Humidity, to Heat
If you can read this, you’re standing too close to my iPhone!
Do I have any plans? What do I look like, a goddamn architect?
“Age is an issue of mind over matter. If you don’t mind, it doesn’t matter.”
– Mark Twain
Waiter: And how did you find the wine?
Me: Well the first clue was the bottle in the middle of the table
3: when I’m 5 I’ll do all the cleaning and cooking on the weekend so you and daddy can stay in bed
Me: *hands her pen to sign legally binding contract*
It’s not summer until you put on your bikini and realize it probably wasn’t a good idea to eat 9,000 lbs of skittles, starbursts, and sour patch kids all year.
I support this random dude and all his protests
I know I’m almost 40 because I had a few drinks last night and woke up this morning thinking: Oh no I bought SO MANY SOCKS online last night.
I have an irrational fear that I’m accidentally making up words. I don’t want to be misunderstandable.
My 18yo daughter doesn’t think I’m funny, so I’m going to show her bf that tap dancing video she did in second grade to ‘ice ice baby’
Breakfast in bed.
[cashier slapping the Cool Ranch chips out of my hand]: Oh no you don’t, nerd
Instead of telling people to drive safely, tell them you had a dream that they died in a car crash. Then to avoid looking crazy, say “I don’t believe in those things, so it’s probably nothing, don’t worry.”
They will drive… super carefully.
Sorry babe when you said “let’s go for a run” I thought you meant for coffee, not actual exercise and that’s on me
Me: I’m pregnant
Him: OH NO
Me: with emotion
Him: oh, whew
Me: because there’s a baby inside me
Eating a banana.
Thought I should tell you. Twitter seems concerned about women getting enough potassium.But… why can’t I use my teeth?
Lose something? Need help? Call 1-800-MOM & a team of moms will be deployed to you to ask you “Well, did you look?”Or “did you look-look?”
The longer I stay home, the more homeless I look
The new Ring movie looks terrifying
Digital security in Ancient Troy
I can’t believe I have appendicitis in the middle of a global pandemic. this is legit funny like can my body read the room one time???
I rescued a puppy left on the side of the road for my daughter because she said she would take care of her. We are now four days in and she’s loudly told me that she never wants children
me: i think we should make a baby
wife: do you know how expensive babies are?
me: wait, you can buy them??
If someone gets arrested for shoplifting at Kohl’s they should be able to post bail with Kohl’s cash.
Clueless is my favorite movie about how rich people have real hard problems too
I don’t think either person should pay for the first date. It should be on the house
My FedEx guy knocks on the door like his son is dying and I’m the town doctor.