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Suspect thinks you’re mad at them cause you used too much punctuation in your text message
[at funeral]
“it was so sudden”
really?
“yeah right in the middle of rap battle”
I thought you said he died of dysentery
TERRY: That’s right
I dressed as a chimp for 4 years to win a woman’s heart. Eventually I realized that disguising myself was a breech of trust and revealing myself would be a betrayal. I stayed a chimp 3 more years, contributing to important data she was collecting. I realize now I sullied that too
Dear twitter thank you for telling me it’s not my fault……but wtf
Seismologists are loyal to a fault
When life hands you lemons, help me throw them at the kids on my lawn.
I’m allergic to bears. One bear bite and it’s straight to the ER for me.
I really need to go on the show Survivor. Not for the money or the fame. It’s just the only way I’m ever gonna effectively lose weight.
[calls home]
son: hello
me: hi, put mom on the phone
son: I can’t
me: why
son: she’s too heavy
Her: I don’t see color
Me: They make glasses for that now
sometimes i remember i was part of the nsa hack back in spring / that all my data is currently floating around china and i’m like “cool”
I put a message in a bottle and threw it in the Ocean. The note said “I have Tuberculosis and I coughed in this bottle”
Stalkers drive by your house…
I actively pursue my passion and show up with tacos and beer.
My mother-in-law called me a witch, but my husband was quick to defend me. He said, “Emma wouldn’t go near a broom.”
I was called charming yesterday and I will not stand idly by for these bullshit accusations.
[answers phone]
Me: yeah?!
Boss: are you okay?
Me: just taking a quick lunch break
Boss: you haven’t showed up in 2 days!
My report card always said I was not living up to my full potential. Well, the joke’s on them. That really was as good as I was going to get
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: [snoring]
Netflix: [takes last piece of birthday cake from fridge]
The real reason David beat Goliath is that when David threw a rock, Goliath threw scissors.
Cop: I have bad news. It’s your son. You need to come down to the mortuary
Mom: But…how?
Cop: Maybe get a cab?
My 5yo made me a zombie card with – what I am told are – a line of zombie GRAVES at the bottom.
GRAVES.
The best trick to ordering pizza is asking them not to cut it. By law, they can only charge you for one slice.
[fancy restaurant]
wife: [leans over, whispers in my ear] I’m not wearing any panties
me: [whispering back] is that sanitary
Why did they call it protective wear for agricultural workers and not ‘Farmour’
Due to inflation they will now be known as Maroon 6, Sum 47 and 103 Degrees, respectively
named my phone lois lane bc it doesn’t recognize me with glasses on either.
I can’t wait for the government to shut down I have some scores to settle. Big time
[Day after Xmas]
7am: I am detoxing today, only fruit and liquids for me
9am: There are worse things than eating 14 cookies for breakfast
Forcing my general contractor to dig his own grave. He says he can be done by May, maybe June. Depends on some other jobs.
Anyone know the second rule of fight club?