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Things Brits say when they’re absolutely livid:
“What do you think you’re doing?”
“What’s going on in here?”
“With all due respect”
“I beg your pardon”
“Can I help you?”
“Now look”
“I’ll write a letter”
“I’ve had just about enough of this”
“Is there anybody else I can speak to?”
Calm down, I’m only asking for your last name because I want to check how well it pairs with the baby names I have picked out for our kids.
If I have to use a revolving door, there’s an 80% chance I’ll come out the same side I went in.
I have a Russian friend who’s a sound technician.
And a Czech one too.
Calm down white moms on dish detergent commercials, no wife is EVER that excited about dishes. Ever.
GOOD COP: I’m going to read you your rights
BAD COP: I’m going to beat a confession out of you
CENTRIST COP: you both make some good points
My bank assures me my money is safe with them, yet they keep their pens chained to desks and most of them are missing.
The worst thing about having kids is that they grow up, but the best thing about having kids is that they grow up.
when you came back from the bathroom and your younger sibling had taken your spot on the couch
Single men not in love with me.
Explain yourselves.
ME [passing the bag]: cheeto?
GUY IN THE STALL NEXT TO ME: can we please not do this?
6 yo son: Who would win a fight between a hippo and a lion?
Me: I dunno, maybe the hippo because he’s big and can stomp?
6: Wrong, the lion has a knife.
Reasons why i never let my girlfriend touch my iPhone. 1) I don’t have iPhone. 2) I don’t have a girlfriend.
Yes, dust for fingerprints is exactly what I meant when I asked you to dust the living room, Sherlock Holmes.
Why do you even see a psychologist? They they are just people that weren’t smart enough to be psychics.
Hate your job as a calendar maker?Need a way to get fired? Easy.
( •_•)
( •_•)>⌐■-■
(⌐■_■)
Just take a day off
I can’t wait to get married and not invite ppl who thought they were coming
A teenage girl trying to find the right t-shirt, is far more decisive than me in front of 10 different sandwiches
There are many effective ways of inviting me to your event but doing it on Facebook is definitely not one of them.
Employee: Sir you’ve been in that changing room for half an hour, what are you doing?
Me: *Crying* WAITING FOR IT TO WORK
Thank God all of Texas can un-pucker again while they sleep.
Pluto wasn’t even a planet for a full year on Pluto. Do you ever think about that? No. You only think about yourself.
VOICEMAIL: I’m sorry I can’t come to the phone right now, my toddler typed the wrong password 200 times so I can’t try again until next year
I love the idea of Frankenstein applying for a research grant and having to admit he’s skipping the testing on mice and going directly for human trials.
Funny how airport security always “randomly” chooses me for physical checking. Even when I’m not even at the airport and chilling at home.
The world’s oldest person has died. Now they’ll be looking for a replacement, but if you’re offered the job, turn it down. It’s highly dangerous and there are way too many fatalities.
My dog really needs to learn how to drive a stick
because what good is fetching one bottle of vodka.
Him: Want to play Trivial Pursuit?
Me: Sure. But I guarantee you’ll win. I’m not that smart.
Him: Want to play strip Trivial Pursuit?
I need a new toaster. Mine has two settings: WTF is it even on, and Viking funeral.
I got tested this morning for Covid-19. Ouch. Those nasal swabs go deep. Jeez, buy a gal dinner first.