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If you find a stylist who can cut hair without talking, never let them go
My soon to be 13-year-old has been wearing my crocs… how do you say “stay in your lane” in Thirteenese?
[At Doctor]
Me:I’m having chest pain
Doc:Did you buy a new bra?
Me:Yes! Thanks for noticing!
Doc:I meant it could be causing the pain
Me:Oh
The Titannic: Be gentle, it’s my first time.
Iceberg: Okay, just the tip.
SPOUSE: I have to work late Thursday
OUTER MONOLOGUE: I am going to miss you
INNER MONOLOGUE: I am going to eat something very stupid
Smart person: I just read Fahrenheit 451
Me, a jerk: in the rest of the world, it’s called Celsius 232.778
me: we should have a housewarming party
dad: [moving to block the thermostat] a what now
She’s only nine, but my daughter sings Adele like she’s already been through countless devastating break-ups
If you find me on my death bed, please wake me up and move me over to the life couch. Throw the death bed away, I don’t know why I keep it.
i wish more people knew the word for woman in scottish, alas.
You can either have a nice evening or you can help your child with their math homework.
You can’t have both.
I freak out when i don’t see the L and R marks on headphones. There’s no way I’m taking that risk.
haha remember when you were a kid you’d hide inside the clothes racks at stores. can’t do that as an adult. someone’s stupid kid is in there
What Geico said: We just saved you 15% on your car insurance.
What I heard: You should go shopping.
Stop right there babe, you need permission to enter the pillow fort.
🤣
Accidentally said “shh” instead of “slow down” and a kid silently ran into a glass door
My Kid: (handing me balloons) Daddy, can you make balloon animals?
Me: uh…sure… I can make an eel, or a snake…
My Kid: I want a poodle.
Me:…or a worm…
My Kid: POODLE!
He said it’s canoodle night later, and I thought great, I love lasagna.
House Hunters:
“We want a slide, cheeseburgers, a clown.”
Realtor: Are you describing McDonalds?
“haha no”
*3 kids tumble out of trenchcoat*
My life is just like the Friends theme song if you take out all the references to having friends.
My sister made pancakes and after devouring 5 of them, she tells me
“It rises in the yeast and sets in the waist” 🙆🏾♀️🙆🏾♀️
Me: I just played the “poop in a bag” trick on our neighbor
Wife: Haha! Where’d you find the dog poop?
Me: …dog?
No, officer, no one is being murdered. I just had to rinse the shampoo out of my child’s hair.
“Can I maim myself with it?” – my toddler’s mental checklist before deciding to play with something
I want a pet otter just so I can introduce it as my otter half.
It all started when I realized that we didn’t call whiskers on rodents “mouse-taches”
THERAPIST *pushes intercom* Deb, cancel my 3 o’clock.
Apparently If ur BF says “if anything happens to me,I want u to meet someone new….”
“anything” doesn’t include getting stuck in
traffic.
Voting was a lot more fun in the days when you got 4 snapshots for a dollar in the booth.