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Goldfish crackers are the best snack for teaching kids it’s ok to eat your pets.
[Court]
Me: My tweets go through a rigorous review process
Judge: Are they reviewed by other idiots?
M: *lips on mic* irrelevant, your honor
My friend just broke up with her man. I really helped her through the break up by letting her know he’s no good in bed anyway.
[at bank]
Samuel L Jackson turning in swear jar: I need a bank check to buy Rhode Island
I started drinking more water and now all my workouts consist of walking back and forth to the bathroom.
Babies invented being in a bad mood for no reason, and they continue to innovate in the field
A 12 year old posts a selfie, 37 RTs and 1013 likes.
I post a selfie, I lose 18 followers and my family disowns me.
It’s that time of year when the neighbors start longing for winter days because they’re tired of seeing me at the mailbox in my drawers.
Me: See? To prove I’m not some boring house dad, I got a tattoo.
Her: Oh cool! It’s… uh?
Me: (proudly) It’s my thermos! From work!
Her: Well, uh, the line work is certainly…
Me: Don’t touch the thermos tat.
What were you doing in the shower for so long?
Me: Just shaving my legs and definitely not pretending to be in a sad music video in the rain
Lake Erie: Great Lake name
Lake Titicaca: Greater lake name
[taking the last bite of a big meal]
date: what would you like to do next
me: poop
[train]
GUY: Please take my seat.
ME: *adjusts pillow in my top to feign pregnancy* Thank you.
GUY: How far along are you?
ME: 5 stops.
My wife wants me to go to Zumba with her. I am hopeful that this is a place to get burritos.
Girl: So, your dating profile says you enjoy long walks by the sea & making ur own wine?
Jesus: ON
Girl: What?
Jesus: Long walks ON the sea
*in a desperate attempt to impress my daughter with magic, i pull a fully cooked turkey with all the trimmings from behind her ear*
{nervously} is this your card?
My astrological sign is KFC gravy
I have a riddle about lice but it’s a real head scratcher
Most people call me “bad at pickup lines”
But you?
You can call me tonight.
“YOU’RE FAT.” – my belt
Have kids, they said
The person you are trying to stalk
Is stalking another person..
Please wait
I love sleeping, mainly because I get a break from sucking my gut in.
My toddler has had a rough day. I gave her regular milk instead of chocolate and Peppa Pig didn’t oink enough
My wife is an economist and I am an engineer. I was watching my wife make her breakfast one morning, and noticed that she made way too many trips to get each of the items she needed. So I said in my best engineer voice, “Hey sweetheart, why don’t you utilize the load…
I am always reminded of how much I am needed as a mother and wife the exact second I sit down on the toilet.
My kid asked me to hold her candy, took one look at my excited face and decided she should hold onto it instead, which was definitely the right call.
I just want to bring your heart to it’s knees.
… And while you’re down there…