You Might Also Like
the “don’t confuse your google search with my medical degree” thing is especially funny to me bc i’ve seen my doctors google my symptoms in appointments
me: sorry i couldn’t stay longer
friend: no that was long enough
I tried playing dead to see how my 6 yr old would react… turns out if i die he’ll poke me and go down stairs and eat chips…
If I had a time machine I’d bring all the Home Depot skeletons I could find to the Victorian age and surround a village with them while they all slept
I hate when millennials make up new words and demand that we all use them. people should only communicate like they did before we started making up all these words: using short grunts & hitting each other over the head with large knobbly clubs
The good news is, it turns out there is literally nothing we can say here that will ruin our chances at a political career.
FRENCH IS A MYTH INVENTED BY THE GOVERNMENT TO MAKE US BUY MORE ENGLISH
*hurls Scrabble board at you*
[uses your words against you]
This is I, Robot all over again
Inventor of sleeve tattoos: What if shirts hurt?
The biggest thing I learned when I got married was how much I made up lyrics to songs…
me making someone eat a chip with my mind
Hi, I’m Brandon and I’ll be your hater this evening. Our specials tonight are “ur mom”, “lol own3d”, and “u mad bro lol u mad?!??!”
ranch dressing should be somehow condensed and solidified into fry shapes and fries should be pureed into a dipping sauce for them. assassins from every government on the planet are converging on my apartment as I type
[bill gates house]
Bill: What’s on at the cinema?
Wife: Let me google it and-
*terrified look at bill*
Wife: Let me bing it and see.
Wife: I’m glad you’re watching TLC and looking to improve yourself. So who are your new friends?
Husband: These would be your Sister Wives
I came across 3 snakes while mowing the yard today, but those of you in North America already know that because you heard me scream
according to my research, maximum work from home productivity can be reached when you wear a towel all day and lie about your camera not working
don’t let your artist friends wander off by themselves. you never know what they’ll agree to
*starts GoFundMe campaign to buy a soft drink at the movies*
At times like this, I ask myself “what would Jesus do?” and then I hide in a cave for three days
If I close my eyes while my 3 year old pours her cereal I can hear the relaxing sound of thousands of Cheerios raining on the floor.
Professor X: Being literal is not a superpower
Guy: But-
Wolverine: Look man, just take the L and leave
Guy: *Drives away*
Woverine: Oh no you didnt!
“All you can control is yourself,” I told myself as though I’d never seen my Mastercard statement
Welcome to your 40’s you are 15-20lbs overweight no matter what and sweat constantly. You irritate anyone under 30, and have 5 years max left before your phone completely confuses you.
The flower shop ladies are so judgmental. Seriously, all I asked them to do is wrap the flowers and write the note to my wife “Sorry for being a week late, Happy belated anniversary !”
Why call it a “step dad” when you could have called it a faux pas?
My nephews were over last night and didn’t give me any tweet material so now I need new nephews.
Grab your brass knuckles, we’re heading to the Waffle House.