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If god can artificially inseminate someone, why did he need two of every animal on the ark to repopulate the world?
*gets several new followers on Sunday
*adds Jesus to resume
My 12yo busted into our room with a Nerf gun. She made eye contact with her dad and really went for it. My husband was sitting with our 6yo. He immediately turned into a force field to protect her. I have so much respect for that man because I would’ve used our 6yo as a shield.
Remember folks 😂
A pub landlord walks into a stable. A horse says “what’s with the big fat tum-tum?” followed by “not nice, is it?”
one thing I’ve learned as a toxicologist/ER doc is that, when unsupervised, toddlers transform into little geniuses that are hyperfixated on the following 4 goals:
-open pill bottles
-eat everything
-climb climb climb
-be extremely quiet
When I visit my family’s houses and use their wifi I usually get suggested ads with what they’re buying me for Xmas
Indian parents give you unmoanable names so you can focus on studies
‘A 12 year old invented an app….No pressure though.’
(Me to my kids)
No problem, 3 people is my maximum anyway
Carefully cropping the username off a popular reddit meme and posting it here with the caption “all right who made this?? 😂🤣😂”
I don’t know about you but I always take the road less traveled because chances are I won’t run into stupid people.
COP: PUT YOUR HANDS UP
OCTOPUS: They’re tentacles
COP: OK PUT ALL 8 TENTACLES UP
OCTOPUS: Two are my legs, dude
COP: Just go. I give up.
“We need a solid plan to defeat ISIS.”
Galaxy Note 7: I have an idea
Goodnight 🐶
My young children are currently screaming because they collectively ate the last two bananas in this house and they both want more.
THIS IS BANANARCHY.
If I can only taste 999 islands I’m sending this dressing back.
the nice thing about my ADHD is that if my apartment is haunted I will literally never notice it
“silly me, always leaving these cupboards and drawers open and the sink running at full blast,” I say, as a frustrated ghost screams into a pillow in the corner
Yeah but how many of you can say you’ve managed to get your head stuck in the strings of a piano
Cheese seller: Is there a problem with your Limburger?
Cannibal: Buddy, there are zero limbs in this thing
manning had to write 500 words about thomas edison, he got his 500 word count pretty quickly: When Thomas Edison was 12 Thomas Edison convinced Thomas Edison’s parents to let Thomas Edison start selling newspapers. (the entire paper is like this!!)
Doctor: This makes no sense. The ultrasound isn’t finding your baby
Wife: Haha, well I guess we know who he takes after
Waldo: *from behind a curtain* That’s my boy
One side of our sink has a garbage disposal. The other side is where my daughter just dumped a full bowl of cereal.
Wow I ordered too much food.
Here, you can have half of it.*5 minutes later*
Okay I’m gonna need that back
Will I understand This Too Shall Pass if I haven’t seen This One Shall Pass?
Geologically speaking San Francisco is such bullshit. “I’m gonna make you go up three hills and down two hills to get anywhere!” Grow up.
Dear Cupid,
Next time hit both.
[seeing an angel, appearing to be a glorious half-bird, half-human being]
me: *very hesitantly throwing bread at it*
My 7 yr old son drew a picture of an old woman.
I asked him who it was & he replied
“She comes into my bedroom to kiss me goodnight”
A chill ran down my spine then I remembered my mum is staying with us & it’s probably her.