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[War of 1812]
American: Let’s invade the British North.
Other American: Upper or Lower Canada?
A: idgaf
LATER:
Me: I can’t wait for this pandemic to be over so I can go back to hanging out in person with friends, visiting relatives, showering every day…
Her: Nothing is stopping you from showering every day now.
Me: Do you even hear how crazy you sound right now?
[job interview]
“So what would you say is your biggest weakness?”
“I’m pretty bad at reading situations.” *tries to kiss interviewer*
Conan: The US is on pace 2 b the world’s largest producer of oil. So if history has taught us anything, the US will soon be invading the US.
Flame has not adjusted back to house life yet. She stole a cinnamon roll from the kitchen and ate it.
they should hide prizes in more boxes than just cereal, I’d love to reach into my laundry detergent and find a colour changing spoon
*watching John Wick*
Ugh, 222 stairs would be difficult enough without fifty guys trying to kill me
And the award for the best actor goes to my 5yo for his role in “I can’t push this bike back it’s too heavy”
[firing squad]
Captain: Any last words?
Prisoner: Why, yes. I’d like to speak with you for a moment about gun control.
One of the worst parts of the pandemic was, without a doubt, when celebrities checked in to tell us how difficult their lives have been having to quarantine inside their mansions.
Meow
Opened closet in hotel to check for murderers while simultaneously realizing I was unprepared should one be in there.
becoming a doctor so i can hit my enemies with a little hammer
Henceforth I’m going to say ‘state’ after I say the name of EVERY American state because why should Washington get that treatment exclusively?
Parents are like “You left a gently used paper towel in your room over christmas. Do you need that? Want me to mail it?”
and that’s why I’m fat🤭
I want my 13 year old to understand how important honesty is but also know that she is 12 when kids eat free.
Wearing oven mitts and clicking BBQ tongs:
Ok I’ll look at that rash now.
4yo: Do you want to play pretend?
Me: I already am.
4yo: What pretend?
Me: Shh, you’re not here.
the hardest part about boxing is not falling in love with your opponent when he hugs you
My kids are running around the house with animal plushies and figurines making the wildest noises, and when I asked what they were playing, they said, “RABIES.” Oh, okay.
I feel like before a bee stings a human, all his dumb bee friends are like “you can totally take him.”
I have precisely ZERO idea what people are doing when they inspect inside their egg boxes at the supermarket. But for 20 odd years I’ve dutifully opened the box, nodded appreciatively, and then put my eggs in the trolley without the faintest idea what the hell I’m doing or why.
A good friend is like a four leaf clover: sometimes you accidentally run them over with a lawnmower
just had the most telling freudian slip of my life when someone called in asking for the boss and I replied “sorry he’s not in right now, is there anyone else that can hurt you?” jfc
[3rd Date]
*To myself* ok, you really like this girl. Just play it cool, detached.
ME: I don’t even care what season we get married in.
That depressing moment when you pull up to work and the building is not engulfed in flames.
Alexa; make it look like an accident
Irony ~ giving my daughter a set of my old encyclopedias and she Googles “What’s an encyclopedia?”