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Pro Tip: Always put your keys away in the last place you’d look, then look there first.
Bear Grylls: *waits impatiently for NASA’s call*
“You’re acting weird.”
First of all, I’m not acting
*therapist writes in pad*
Me: Sometimes I feel like people don’t notice me-
*therapist jumps*
Therapist: SHIT! HOW LONG HAVE YOU BEEN THERE?
Cat: LET ME OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW LET ME OUT RIGHT NOW!
Me: *Staggers out of bed. Opens door*
Cat: *lies down on doormat*: You are dismissed.
Does anyone else bring a bag of clever disguises to the grocery store in case there’s a wine sampling booth that day?
[Animal Shelter]
Me: “I’m here to pick up a rescue dog.”
Her: “And what kind of dog did you have in mind?”
Me: “Well, mostly I’ll be needing him to drag me passed out drunk from buildings I’ve set on fire with lit cigarettes. So… a strong one. Oh & ideally he knows CPR.”
Love will tear us apart. Also, bears, wolves and some other woodland creatures.
*puts bike helmet on 4*
my brain: now knock on it a coupla times
me: why?
brain: you just gotta
Guys invented poker as an excuse to stare into each other’s eyes.
I have two options:
1) go and pick up my son from after school club and get absolutely soaked in the rain.
2) leave him there for the weekend.
Produce goes bad three times faster when you’re the one who paid for it. It’s science!
My car has a sunroof, but I consider it more of a middle finger display hatch.
I hate when I lose an argument and then seventeen years later I think up a witty come back.
5: if you take a shortcut in a food maze, it’s not cheating it’s eating
Family vacation is when you listen to your kids cry someplace expensive.
despite threatening a hummingbird this morning I really do love nature.
The Avengers greatest superpower is the ability to find a time they could all meet
I’m starting to suspect that all these women with “princess” on their license plate frames are not really princesses at all.
Be nice to Canadians, American tweeters. We’re going to need somewhere to go after this next election
Me: Would you like to go out for coffee sometime?
Her: I’d love that!
Me: Great, we need milk and eggs too. See you after while
Whoever has my voodoo doll can you give it a job
Girl: I like good boys
Me [trying to impress her]: *shapeshifts into a pack of smiley golden retrievers*
From Facebook just now…
Before pulled pork, pork just used to stand on the edge of the dance-floor, nodding to the music and looking cool.
*at the bakery*
Baker: “I’m sorry. We’re out of buns, but we have other baked goods.”
Me, with my pet anaconda: “Listen, hun…”
8 asked if I had to choose between not having him or not having chocolate for a whole week what would I do and I said I couldn’t believe he’d even ask me that and then I packed a bag for him and said I’d see him in a week
If you use your stimulus check to buy baby chicks, then you got the money for nothing and the chicks for free.
Saint Peter: Name
M: David
SP: You’re in
M: Even after that night in Nogales?!
SP *winks*
*takes a step*
*trap door opens*
SP: Sucka!
Wife: can you make the bed
Me, a failed carpenter: ok that’s low, Sharon