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I would have suggested they just use a regular volleyball, but I guess the Olympics are special.
Judas: I can’t wait for you to die
Jesus: what
Judas: Easter eggs, can’t wait for you to dye Easter eggs
Jesus: what eggs?
Now that’s a Halloween costume! 🤩
If pigeons and chickens made a tribe would the be called the coo clucks clan ?🤔
It’s called the Summer Olympics so one of the events should be running in flip flops to catch the ice cream man
Rage against the machine? I bet it was a printer.
‘Pumpkin’ has got to be the weirdest pet name. How do you look at the person you cherish and adore and decide to call them the second largest squash in North America?
No matter how stupid you feel, remember, Little Red Riding Hood couldn’t figure out a talking wolf in drag wasn’t her grandmother
The Windows weather app shows moon rise and set times. Who is this information for? Werewolves?
“Stomach…Lungs…Kidneys….Heart.” –
Me, at my organ recital.(Not even slightly sorry)
At some point you’ll think you have this parenting thing figured out. Then your child will ask you to take the cheese off of their macaroni.
Earthlings are the most dangerous of all the lings.
I never realized how many “favorite” coffee mugs I had until other people tried to use them.
I’m the kind of girl who won’t stop until you’re screaming your safeword.
Related: Your safeword’s the first 16 digits of your credit card.
I call people weirdos a lot for someone who can’t leave their house without checking the stove 3x even If I haven’t cooked on it since 2009.
You know why I’ve never been murdered in my sleep? Because I leave a cheese plate out for murderers every night. It’s called hospitality maybe look it up sometime.
my mom when anyone would walk on the carpet she just vacuumed
(First Day as Mailman)
ME: *wearing a suit made out of stapled together pieces of mail* Sup?
BOSS: You’re supposed to deliver those.
ME: No.
Don’t worry. Artificial intelligence will never replace actual ignorance.
Fitness friend: Do you know what you’re putting in your body?
*flashes back to ex
*shudders
Before quarantine my husband used to eat like 5 Doritos and then fold the bag and put it away and since we’ve been in quarantine HE STILL DOES THE SAME THING I mean has this situation taught him nothing
I wasn’t craving chocolate bunnies until I opened the twitter. Thanks guys, now I have to go buy Easter candy before it’s on sale.
At the end of the day, it doesn’t matter how many bowling pins you knock down, but whether or not you got a better score than the children playing in the lane next to you.
Prince Devitt x Low Ki x Kota Ibushi. One of my all time favorite matches. 🔥
There’s nothing more difficult than trying to convince a narcissist that you don’t like them.
Due to personal reasons, I’ve decided to become a mermaid that lures sailors to their doom.
I’m not sure what a Doja Cat is but sadly I’ve learned it’s not a place for your cats to practice their karate moves
Apparently, if you put a possum in the mailbox, you’ll get a new mailman…