You Might Also Like
if you have flat coke lying around in the kitchen, do not trash it, you can make a coke casserole. very simple recipe. here it is.
1. add tbsp. wow you’re still reading this.
2. maybe it’s time to logout, champ.
Look, I know you really miss her. But, you know what? Sometimes things aren’t meant to be. One time I really wanted this waffle….
nothing makes me happier than searching “colon” on twitter and seeing all the people who have misspelled cologne…
Women in movies look so beautiful when they sleep. Meanwhile I’m tossing and turning all night like a forgotten 7-Eleven hot dog.
Most people don’t know this, but the North only won the Civil War because the South got half an inch of snow and they lost their damn minds.
Accidentally said goodbye to the voice at the drive thru order window and they answered “nah I’ll see you in a sec” no chill
I’m in shock. I caught my houseghost naked… ironing his sheet.
This could be the Alcohol talking but….
OMG you guys! The ALCOHOL is TALKING!
Me: I woke up feeling super happy and confident, this is great! Nothing can go wrong.
Those Shoes That Make My Feet Smell Like Old Cheese: hey girl. wear me.
Phone: Swipe for Face ID.
Me: [swipe]
Phone: I don’t recognize you.
Me: [smiles]
Phone: I still don’t recognize you.
Me: [holds bag of chips in front of my face]
Phone: oh okay there you are
Me: Hope it’s ok if I sleep in the nude
Guy next to me on the plane: WTF dude?
Tried to back up today in a car without a rear facing camera. I killed seven pedestrians and three dogs.
I didn’t want to grow up; I just wanted to be able to reach for the cookies.
It’s kind of comforting to know that no matter what you might be going through in life, that glitter you barely touched 12 years ago will always be there, on your face, making you look like an idiot.
Yoga was invented in 1301 when a Buddhist monk fell down a big hill slowly.
Gotta love it when people get a half inch of snow and think the world is ending.
Canadian up.
HER: (touching my chest) What a fascinating tattoo…
ME: Thanks. I was carrying a squid and a porcupine, and I tripped.
My friends most commonly describe me as “who?”
Her: I love you so much
Me: Hey, *puts my hand on her shoulder* we all make mistakes sometimes.
if you can’t judge a book by its cover then graphic design is a big fat lie
“And the cat’s in the cradle and the silver spoon….Little boy blue and the man on the moon”
…Drugs in the 70’s must’ve been AWESOME!
[accidentally makes eye contact with someone] Oh my God, I am so sorry. Are you OK?
Be the reason why you need two priests at your exorcism.
*methodically going through sword maneuvers, but with a foot long sub*
Son, one day you will learn these moves just as my father taught me, and my father’s father taught him. It is the way of our people. The way of the peaceful warrior. The Subway.
Pretty sad that if you want to hit people in the knees with a hammer your career options are limited to doctor or enforcer for the mob.
My therapist says I’m making progress but that’s only because I lie to her
*grammar police reads ransom note*
“Bring the money hear in too days, or she dead”
*grammar cop dies*
“Damn, he had 2 days until retirement”
Thank god my neighbors let their dogs out at 5am or I might actually sleep in on a Saturday.
Suddenly your entire body starts to vibrate. To your horror you realize it’s vibrating to the melody of the Benny Hill theme. This goes on for 2 hours, then it stops.
‘That’s enough punishment for now’, I whisper to myself, and put away the kazoodoo doll…
Death is often a good career move if you’re a poet.