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Body: time to sleep.
Brain: hey that’s an interesting thought, here’s six billion more.
Movies are so unrealistic. This guy’s using his computer to access an alien ship & not once has it asked if he wants to upgrade his Adobe.
As a reward for graduating high school, please accept this basket of live cobras.
If a swan broke my arm I’d keep it quiet. Embarrassing. “Help, I’m being beaten up by a big white lanky floating chicken.” Not cool.
When a cop tells you to get out of your car, it’s not so he can take a selfie with you. Now I know.
If you were curious about my level of crazy, I woke up from a nap in my recliner and tried to put on a seatbelt.
Doctor: I’m sorry, I did everything I could.
Grieving Family: We just can’t believe you wasted your time getting a PhD in Philosophy.
Wow this person is full of shit, oh I’m on my own page
Accidentally played Pearl Jam and now every 40 year old white guy is sprinting towards my house
This could be the whiskey talking but I don’t think I should be jury foreman.
When I’m good I’m great. When I’m not good I’m the piano falling out of the window of people
Shoe repair guy: so what happened?
[cut to me trying to flush myself into the Ministry of Magic from my toilet]
Me: I stepped in a..puddle
“Dad! Mom wants to trade with me in Monopoly! I need you to help me negotiate a good deal!”
– My 11yo, about to find out the hard way that the only thing I can negotiate with my wife in Monopoly is my own quick demise
This morning my 4yo made up the best joke I’ve ever heard???
“What do you call a carriage pulled by snakes?”
“A hiss-drawn carriage”
Me: How much more oatmeal can you eat before you become a literary classic?
Donkey: What?
Me: *giggling* Donkey Oaty
Thought about doing many things today but that’s as far as I got.
And the award for the best actor goes to my 5yo for his role in “I can’t push this bike back it’s too heavy”
AMAZON: Your 11 year old niece has a birthday coming up and she loves horses
ALSO AMAZON: do you wanna buy like a sword or a manhole cover or something
Don’t you hate it when you leave your gym bag in the hot car and all your Hershey Bars melt?
Every day is a struggle to resist the overwhelming biological urge to throw a frozen watermelon into a hot deep fat fryer but yes, I’d love to help you plan a formal dinner party.
Theft insurance for my iPhone? Nope. I bought a protector that makes it look like a little book. Nobody steals little books.
Bidets will go down in the anals of history. There, I said it.
[couples board game night]
“relax brent, it’s only monop-”
*fake smile* why don’t you tell everyone how you brush your teeth with hot water”
thank god Hinge doesn’t do a year end wrapped. I would have to walk into the sea with pockets full of stones
“Where was you at?”
I was probably not skipping English class.
The new iPhone 7 is just a slower, heavier, thicker, and much less attractive version of the iPhone 8.
lmao i hate nyc corner dudes so much. rushing out this am to to the subway, I have on a big yellow (faux) fur coat…tell me why this dude yelled out, “go ahead big bird, looking fly!” 😂😭🐥
“Oh babe. All of that is for me?”
-Me, to my laundry basket.
Goldilocks taught me that you can get away with breaking into a brown family’s home and stealing their food, as long as you’re a white girl.