You Might Also Like
Janitor (pulling a dead cat out of Hadron Collider) Here’s your problem right here.
We’re severely underutilizing the concept of groundhog’s day. We should be ripping more animals out hiding and asking them unknowable questions about the future at least weekly
“Let the chips fall where they may.”
-My kids when they’re eating chips on the couch.
Me: He said he likes mac-n-cheese better the way his mom makes it.
Female judge: Case dismissed!
Michelle Obama should have dropped the mic and moonwalked out.
Me: DIALOGUE!!!
Other lumberjack: You’re supposed to yell timber.
What’s the normal amount of hair to mail someone? I feel like this is a lot of hair I’m mailing to someone
Whenever I mess up an experiment I just think of what a pigeon considers a successful nest
Lionel Richie: You are the sun, you are the rain
The Sun: What’s his deal?
The Rain: Weird
The Ceiling: You guys don’t even know
I’m aging like an avocado. By the time I finally noticed my prime it was too late.
Entrepreneurs will work hard and put in 120% for years only for one article to tell you that their secret is that they do yoga at 4.30am 🙄🙄🙄
[in the car]
4yo: Can my window go down?
Me: It can. Would you like me to roll it down for you?
4yo: Roll?! Why did you say roll?
Me: *spends rest of car ride explaining window cranks
I appreciate it when my cats stand around while I clean their litter box. We’re like a little road crew: one guy works, three supervise.
What if Jesus was so chill because he was the only person alive unburdened by the knowledge that his parents had sex?
My grandma used to say: “Never stand behind a cow when it’s windy or your face will be covered with freckles”.😂
My dog really needs to learn how to drive a stick
because what good is fetching one bottle of vodka.
Ever find buried treasure in your grandpas backyard containing passports, Nazi uniforms, and a photo with Papa with the Fuhrer inside? Yeah.
Puns make me numb but math puns make me number.
Everyone keep an eye on Uncle Ronnie…he’s drank about 12 Mountain Dews and just mumbled, “I’m Batman.”
Someone said “30 years ago”, and my mind went to the 1970s, but they meant 1994, and now I need to lie down.
My husband doesn’t think our family will eat a 5 pound bag of cheese and I’ve never been so determined to prove him wrong.
Why are poets thinking that they are the ones tortured and not those who read their poetry?
Wife : A jogger was murdered in the park last night.
Me : Well that’s all the motivation I need. *Goes for a jog in the park*
4k tvs? no thanks i only need one
Why would anyone become an architect when everything you do gets destroyed in an X-Men movie?
The Twelve Days of Christmas would cost$107,000 this year which is relatively cheap considering the amount of human trafficking in the song.
Me (flirting) so what day do you have therapy? 😏
NO THAT IS OBVIOUSLY NOT WHAT I’M LOOKING FOR GOOGLE
[after sex]
her: you were really loudme: *putting down my trombone* yep