You Might Also Like
Thanks for sending me all 67 of your kid’s Halloween photos. I’ll cherish them for …*DELETE*
it’s amazing when it’s ur birthday 🙂 u really feel the love from family, friends, lovers, former dentists, yoga studios and various smootheries
Been getting better gas mileage since I decided to turn off my car when I’m crying alone in parking lots.
My wife still brings up that one time in March 2015 I complained of tired legs while she was in labor
Your french fries are just my french fries on the wrong plate.
[date]
Her: “Well, the horoscopes pretty much govern my life, I’m a sagittarius, what are you?”
Me: *halfway out the door* “Educated.”
HIM: I’m sorry I spilled my drink, I ruined your jacket.
FIRST GUY TO WEAR A REVERSIBLE JACKET: *Trying very hard to contain excitement* Actually, you didn’t.
me: i swear officer, i can even say the alphabet backwards
cop: not really relevant to this murder investigation but ok
I hate how early it gets dark now.
Alaska: LOL
whats wrong?
“the bills”
we need to cut costs
“any suggestions”
at least 3
[my backup singers] 🎶I think she’s talking abou-
“not now ladies”
I don’t understand parents who have trouble saying no to their kids.
It’s literally my first instinct.
if u disregard the teeth, shark attacks are actually kinda cute
Friends: Let’s roll a fatty
Me: I have a name guys and pls don’t
One time I was at the beach and swam past the buoy because the life guard didn’t blow his warning whistle and I almost drowned. When I got back I yelled at him but then he asked me out and I was like whatever Brad! You can pick me up at 8!
i NEVER VOTED FOR A PRESiDENT BECUZ iF iM GUNNA WASTE MY GAS THEN iT BETTER BE ON SOMETHiNG iMPORTANT LiKE DRiViNG TO CHiCK-FiL-A
I’m at my sexiest when I choke on rice and a piece gets lodged at the back of my nose and I’m snorting and sniffing and blowing to try and dislodge it.
“Whatever! You’re naked ALL the time!”
-Me, to my staring cats every time I get out of the shower.
My favorite new hobby is putting on an orange apron and giving people horrible and incorrect construction advice at Home Depot
the guy who named Newfoundland really didn’t try at all, did he?
Cop: License?
Me: Here.
Cop: Sir this is a notecard with “Liscence” on it. And above that you wrote and crossed out “Lysense” and “Lisance.”
Health level: my credit card company called me about fraud because I bought a vegetable.
I once conjured a blizzard to get out of a “lunch date”.
Marriage is pretty great except for the part where you have to learn how to read minds.
*unhooking milker from my gorilla*
wife: still no glue?
[sharing a cold one with the guys]
“It’s my turn to hold the penguin now”
I’m so bad at making decisions that whenever I hit a yellow light I scream, open my car door and throw myself out
Fishing for compliments like “I’m a mess in this photo that I took all morning to get the right angle and filter and after 50 selfies this is me”.
“Daddy, I was just in the bathroom peeing, nothing else. That’s all, so you don’t need to look.”
– my 6yo, not sounding at all suspicious
Me: Have you tried turning it off and on again?
Helicopter pilot: …no.