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I’VE GOT GOATLIKE SPEED & REFLEXES
“Don’t you mean catlike-”
BAAAH [Climbs on top of roof and begins eating shingles]
That awkward moment you have long eye contact with someone who’s really attractive, only cause it’s too hard to walk away from the mirror.
Wanna up the awkward while standing in line? Turn around while you wait.
*goes to Walgreens for memory pill supplements*
*forgets what they’re called*
*gets coronavirus* but that’s impossible i have toilet paper
Hell hath no fury like a woman being told she looks tired.
i did the math and a second job would help me get out of debt as long as i start it twelve years ago
“I was juggling five babies and all of a sudden I noticed I was only juggling three.”
“Have you checked the chandelier?”
I can understand why chickens wake up and scream
Her- um.. why are you wearing a Darth Vader mask?
Me- you said lets do Yoda together
H- I SAID YOGA YOU DOPE
M- VERY WRONG I WAS
Sorry I haven’t tweeted much. Kathy on facebook was keeping us updated on her menstrual cramps.
I pretend to be asleep then I actually fell asleep.
Now I’ll pretend I’m skinny.
What’s Biden’s plan to make bloggers post the recipe at the beginning of the post instead of at the end
MATH Q: 5 friends wanna split a $50 dinner. But Josh wants a separate check bc his thing was $2 less. Really, Josh? This is y nobody likes u
💀💀
Yes, it was me. I pulled over and tried to coax those kittens into my van. You can keep your kids. I just want the kittens.
In the mornings lately I find evidence of carrots or celery in my daughter’s bed from her late night snacking and I’ve never been more concerned that she might not be mine
I can count on my hook how many hands I’ve lost.
I am so behind with news. So sad about the Titanic #rip
My laughing hysterically at Tom & Jerry cartoons is always tempered by me knowing that my wife is next to me wondering where her life went wrong.
if elon musk married bill gates he would be elongates
really makes you think 🤔
Teacher: You’re a grown adult, why can’t you help your child with their math homework?!
Me: Sorry, I’ll try 105% harder
Teacher: You know what, please don’t!
btw the stereotype of americans i have run into the most so far in europe is that americans work themselves to death for nothing
Women: The best part of my day, is taking off my bra.
Men: Same.
This has to be a terrible time for roadstop serial killers
you don’t need therapy you just need to sit in the woods w/ your feet in a stream a dog by your side 1 million dollars in your pocket & a song in your heart
drug lord: “ill email you when we make the drop, what’s your address?”
me: “[email protected]”
loud from my earpiece: “abort keith, abort”
Why I divorced her.
*me almost finished with a chore*
Husband: Here, let me do that.