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Mickey wouldn’t last 2 min in a Tom & Jerry episode
I can never tell if my cat left a dead bird at my door, or if it’s the dead bird I ordered from Amazon.
I bought a bug zapper fly swat.
So now I look like a madwoman swinging around a small tennis racket, shocking anyone who dares step in my way.
What if we all do not exist and God is alone just imagining us?
My 17yo son goes to the convenience store near our house almost every day (because he eats approximately 20,000 calories a day and it’s the only place around here to get prepared food), and has befriended the Pakistani guy who owns it. Today he went in and the guy gave him a cat?
An excerpt from my self help book, “How to Get Rich Quick”
Chapter 1: Write a self help book about how to get rich quick
The End
I’ll leave a to-do list on the table in case any of you stalkers get bored.
Eating an expensive steak is good and all but have you ever ordered wings at a classy restaurant, love the look on the waiter’s face.
You didn’t comment on my selfie.
WHO IS SHE
If you can’t be fun to be around then please be a drug dealer
Hey boy, are you a pepper? Because you give me indigestion but I still want to get jalapeño business.
Ther are two microwaves in my office kitchen, one is for exploding lasagnas and the other one is for exploding other different lasagnas
My doctor said avocados help with depression but so far it’s just sitting there on my counter doing nothing.
Dating Tips.
C all her 69 times a day.
R ing her doorbell and hide.
E avesdrop by phone tapping.
E ye her bffs.
P oke her on FB.
I love that old saying that goes “If your drink doesn’t kill you make it stronger”… or something like that.
Nice try Jehovah’s witnesses, but dressing up like the police and saying you have a warrant isn’t going to get me to come to the door.
My boss accused me of sticking my finger in his birthday cake in the break room fridge.
He’s completely wrong. It wasn’t my finger.
Just spent 45 minutes on the treadmill – tomorrow I think I’ll actually turn it on!
A movie where two people finally kiss and all their friends cheer in the background because just behind the kissing people two swans are fighting brutally
Her: You secretly think you’re the most clever one in the room, don’t you.
Me: Secretly? No.
My neighbor’s dogs are named Calvin and Klein. They’re boxers.
Me: *holding my dog* it’s his 3rd birthday so technically he’s 21
Bouncer: Still no
❒Single
❒Taken
✔ This claim is disputed!
No one has stolen my lunch at work since I started labeling it “Stool Sample.”
I am certain at least half of all curse words in history were created while someone without ninja skills was trying to work in the same room as a housefly.
My Grandma’s church was odd
in that they worshipped paintings.Very weird.
Every week they would stand up
and sing “How Great Thou Art”
Me: My blood pressure is sky high. I need to get my affairs in order.
Him: Make a will?
Me: I was thinking flings with hot men, but OK.
[getting shot out of a cannon] *to my date* I’ll call you when I land, Denise.
Me: I’m Gen-X
Niece: *giggling* oh so you’re in the X-Men now
Me: No, it means I…
Niece: *full laughter* Captain Sweater Vest
I’m up at 5 am, knocking things off my to do list before half of you are even awake. Get on my level