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My son meets his online girlfriend today, so here’s to hoping she’s the anime loving e-girl of his dreams and not some guy named Steve.
May I pay you handsomely, good sir?
-Why yes you may.
*opens wallet*
*pulls out Ryan Gosling*
the ADHD urge to use parenthesis in every sentence (because every thought comes with additional bonus content)
A zombie apocalypse sounds even worse when you consider all those smoke detectors beeping for battery changes.
I love salad! Just wish it had the taste & texture of pizza.
Table for six please?
“Is your party coming soon or?”
[Takes 4 turtles and a rat out from coat] I’m going to need booster seats
Instagramming daily selfies does not constitute personal growth.
I have money, then I don’t have money, it all happens so fast!!
Hey everyone, welcome to Simon Says club. Please have a seat.
*sigh* Looks like we have some work to do
Boss to staff: “What incentives would make you work harder?”
Staff member: “Bonus!”
Boss: “I’m not boning any of you.”
I asked my son to look through the playroom for things to donate to goodwill, and he was so generous about it, within minutes, he came back with a whole bag filled with his sister’s toys.
*first date*
Her: I’m a criminologist.
Me, trying to impress: I have six bodies in my attic.
If I could go back and do it all over again I’d be born into money
When life hands you alligators, make gator aid.
“Give me your tired, your poor, your huddled masses yearning to breathe free. Unless they’re darker than, say, beige.”- Statue of Liberty.
You never see baby pigeons because pigeons are cloned by the government. Next question.
When you’re here for the treats.
FRIEND: Weighted blankets are great for anxiety
INTERNET: Weighted blankets are great for anxiety
DOCTORS: Weighted blankets are great for anxiety
ME: [trapped & unable to escape from a weighted blanket] Well, I do feel anxious
The kitchen trash will be overflowing and my kids will keep stacking garbage on top like they’re playing Jenga.
interrogator: you leave us no choice. time for good cop, jazz cop
suspect: you mean bad cop?
interrogator: no
suspect: i confess.
deleting my dating apps because I want to meet someone the old fashioned way (by stealing my father’s armor and running away in the middle of the night to fight northern invaders with the Chinese army and compete with a handsome fellow soldier by pretending to be a man)
Reporter: He was strangled by a loved one
My Murderer: Whoa, love is a strong word
Opening twitter feels like visiting a recently abandoned house – you can still see how things have been but every now and then a picture falls from the wall and no one bothers to look what’s causing the weird smell in the kitchen
ANAESTHETIST: Count backwards from 100
ME: 100..99..98ME: ..3..2..1..um [looks round] now what?
ANAESTHETIST [muffled] You have to find me
He’s dead
Smile they said.
I already told you Mom I’m NOT high and I’ll be home at 10:70
My husband made me a really romantic dinner once. When I finished cleaning the kitchen a week later, I warned him never to do anything like that to me ever again.
Catercrombie & Fish
I needed to get a shipment of
almonds to the airport quickly.It was so weird to call Uber and
ask if they could drive me nuts.