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Just watched a guy in a shirt that read “Jedi I am” trip on a curb and fall.
Jedi you are not sir
Me: No!
Cake: You weren’t so shy the other night.
No shit your baby is crying. You just announced her weight to a group of strangers.
It’s not the fact that that we all swallow 8 spiders a year that gets to me. It’s the fact that 56 billion spiders a year make that choice.
Whenever I see a good looking firefighter, I stop, drop, and roll, so he knows I’m knowledgeable about fire safety.
pilot: we’re approaching 30,000 feet
me, looking out window nervously: what are they doing up here
Me- owns 2 pairs of pants
My 8 month old, who has no where to go-
“What colour would you call this?”
“Fawn”
“What colour would you call this, o wise and beautiful identifier of colours?”
Adult life blows…. Friends don’t even ask to see how fast you can run in your new shoes anymore.
Apparently even if you delete the drunk text messages you sent last night from your phone, the other person can still see them.
[Robbery]
Sloth Man: I’ll use my powers to make the criminals fall asleep.
*Runs to bank*
*Reaches bank 18 hrs later*
SM: How’d they escape?
She was murdered by the toddler. In the bathroom. With his hundredth question.
-Parent version of Clue
[first day as a wizard] now, to cook the perfect amount of pasta
My husband pissed me off so I bought another half-dozen throw pillows for our bed.
Getting a lawn sign so people know what i think today.
when revenge coincides with naptime
“stop making a mountain out of a molehill” I don’t even know what that means Bethany maybe see a dermatologist
Writers who become addicted to pseudonyms have to join Anonymous Anonymous.
When Meatloaf said he would do anything for love, but he wouldn’t do that, he was talking about quarantining with his kids for 2 weeks.
This air is so toxic and unhealthy right now I think I want to date it
me: can I get 20 nuggets and–
priest: this is a confessional, not a drive-thru
me: oh *sign of the cross* I confess I would like 20 nuggets and a large Sprite
“LINES OF COKE” is the only acceptable answer to yell from the bathroom when someone asks you a stupid question like what are you doing in there
GUY: I heard a pianist keyed ur car. What are u gonna do?
[flash forward to me hitting the pianist’s piano with my car]
ME: car his keys.
Emotional awareness simply means recognizing, respecting, and accepting your feelings as they happen.
📸: @livinglyfree
#emotion #positivemindset #PositiveVibes #selfcare #selfcare
MOTHER-IN-LAW: There are Thanksgiving leftovers in the freezer
ME: Thanks but I…quit cold turkey
MIL: I never wanted you in this family
me: I think I’m losing my marbles
proctologist: I’m finding them
Has this person in front of me ever used a drive thru?
– everyone
The Little Mermaid is a bullshit title. She was a regular sized mermaid.