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if you mesopotamia, you better cleanupotamia
“WHY ARE THEY STEALING OUR TRASH!?”
~ My kid, horrified that the garbage men are doing their job.
i baked you a cake
Don’t stand in the rain if you’re stuck in a shit storm
The aliens can learn about the human body the same way I did. Playing Operation.
lmao i’m in boston and you’re telling me they really talk like this??? i thought everyone was just doing a bit to make fun of mark wahlberg
Friend: Would you ever get a tattoo?
Me: Never
Him: You’re afraid to make a permanent mistake.
Me: *looks at my 4 kids* Way ahead of you.
You know how dogs think, when you leave, that you’re never coming back? That’s how I feel when I leave the house for work every morning.
Doctor: “You are gonna hear the pitter-patter of tiny feet.”
Kim: “I’m pregnant?!”
Doc: “No-”
*a tiny monkey walks in*
“This is my nurse.”
“Fiona, You up?”
-Shrext.
These kids today have it made. When I was growing up and there was a natural disaster, we’d have to go outside and spread our misinformation in person.
[wife looking at credit card statement] did you buy a “talk like lil jon” audiobook
me: WHAT
I just left a pregnancy test box in my brother’s bathroom to mess with him and his new girlfriend.
ME: *drinking Canada Dry*
CANADIANS: Hello 911? There’s a guy here somehow drinking our water reservoirs.
Everyone is acting like they’re all excited for the eclipse like anyone will even look up from their phone
I can’t come into work. I opened a cursed sarcophagus and now I gotta put a pharaoh’s soul to rest. I DUNNO, TAD, I’LL PROBABLY BE IN MONDAY
*finishes reading a long, magical tale about the trials and tribulations of a young family coming to america and settling in the new west*
Me: *wiping a tear* oh heck this recipe is for sugar cookies not chocolate chip
If a ship travels 24 knots per hour and the trip is five hours then how was there not enough room for Jack on that door??
I’m starting to think the guy that gave me directions to the train station was just talking to someone on his Bluetooth.
[on Ferris wheel]
ME: This is going great.
MY DATE: This is so weird.
UBER DRIVER: Let’s get cotton candy next.
Well if you’re here … then who’s in Loch Ness?
Annnnd that’s how the fight started.
PARENTS: your teen may be worshipping Satan. Look for these terms:
LOL – Lucifer Our Lord
BRB – Burn Religious Books
TBH – Tell Beelzebub Hi
Confusing the word, “jacuzzi” with, “yakuza” has gotten me in hot water with the Japanese mafia more than once.
dog: *snickers*
priest: *sighs*
Friends and neighbors have been baking for me but if they really care they should just pitch in to buy me larger sweatpants.
Once I tried to rescue this kitten stuck in a tree only it wasn’t a kitten it was an owl and he was, like…he was fine there.
Looking for a nice bog witch to settle down with
[after my murder]
COP: Can u think why anyone would want to kill him?
WIFE: Christ yes *starts Power Point presentation* Make yourself comfy