You Might Also Like
To the guy who just sent me a Snapchat of him putting his ketchup in the refrigerator, well done. You’ve made a powerful enemy.
Well son, in the ’90s, there was no drooling emoji. You had to show up at a girl’s door and actually drool.
Effort made
I identify as a McDonald’s ice-cream machine because I go down when you really want me.
(Indian wedding)
White friend: OMG that’s so spicy!Me: First of all, it’s a glass of water.
Her: I want you to choke me daddy
Me: *throws whole grapes into her mouth
Him: You look angry.
Me: *lowering the flame thrower*
Do I?
I can’t see my boyfriend during this lockdown and I’m really unhappy about it!
My husband says he doesn’t care. Rude!
If you are going to make me scan my own groceries, give me an intercom too
I’m so hungry that I can eat a Centaur
My 7yr old walked up with a candy wrapper she’d found in the garbage “WHAT is this? Did YOU eat this?” “Yes, I bought it. At the store. With my own money.” I replied, beads of sweat forming on my forehead. I didn’t do anything wrong but oh how I felt like I really, really did.
Me: there’s only one thing about Halloween that really scares me
Her: which is?
Me: exactly
[Swedish massage]
masseuse: *smashes meatballs into my back*
Needs to be a google maps setting where you can ask them not to make you take a left across four lanes of oncoming traffic
I’ve got a really bad feeling about this bathroom, you guys.
My 6-year-old is always asking me about how I got bitten by a bear when I stuck my hand in a bear cage as a little girl and it becomes increasingly embarrassing to correct him every time and say that I was in fact a big girl.
Adult. I was an adult.
Them: Oh, you only need a few pounds of tannerite 👌🏼
Capt. Marvel: I would like to return this product.
Salesperson: what seems to be the problem?
Capt. Marvel: well, you called it a vacuum cleaner, so I tried using it in space and it didn’t clean any vacuum.
Movember is over, so this week anyone looking like a pedophile is actually a pedophile.
I’m going to break into your house and steal that thing with the little wheels on it under the plate in your microwave.
Her: Why are you still calling? You know it’s over between us.
Him: You know why.
Her: *sighs, calls dog to phone*
So not only is it the 4th of July and apparently the house behind me is a fireworks warehouse but the new neighbors across the street have a garage band. 😕
I’ve honestly never been more disappointed in life than when I found out that the Miami Dolphin football team was made up entirely of people
There should be a product swap booth on the way into Costco, you can bring the massive package of snacks that your kid used to like and exchange it for the huge box of snacks that some other kid has rejected
healthy as a horse? they literally can’t walk down the street without shitting themselves but sure, ok
I’VE SEEN SOME SHIT MAN
Boss: Since it’s a long weekend, you can leave early today.
Me: [left 3 hours ago]
me: I Love You!!
oldest: I love you too!!
middle: *silence*
youngest: Thank you.
Hey, girl. I noticed you checking out my Hello Kitty socks. Just so you know…the boxers match.
*winks*
Writers who become addicted to pseudonyms have to join Anonymous Anonymous.