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My kid: mumma where are you going?
Me: I’m going to meet my really old friends
My kid: you mean friends your age?
Me: ‘really old’ meaning from long ago
My kid: so same
DATE:I have 2 kids
ME:I love kids!
D:Good! They-
M:Wait, the human or goat kind?
D:
M:*Trying to contain excitement* Is-is it the goat kind?
If robots are so smart, why can’t my roomba beat me at chess?
Checkmate, science.
Someone told me they don’t wear a mask cuz their nose is too big. Give me a break. I wear underwear.
My wife gave me her Christmas list. I said, “isn’t my undying love & affection enough?”
We laughed and laughed. Now I’m at the purse store
Who called it “unplugging the life support machine” and not “pulling the RIP cord”?
Boy: call me daddy 😉
Me:
[first date]
HER: ask me anything..
ME: are you paying for dinner?
[hears a voice in the sky]
– Is it you? GOD?!
[kneels]
Voice: Could the idiot on platform 4 stop kneeling every time I make an announcement?
For sale: Safe word. Sadly, never used
Me: *gestures to the bellhop to take my bags to my room*
Vanilla Ice: Yo man, I don’t work here
M: *slips him a five*
VI: Right away sir
Hey, people “liking” Walmart on Facebook – you OK?
*Moses opens tablet*
You have TEN unread commandments.
You, a basic, typical hacker: Steals credit cards and identities
Me, a diabolical hacker: Syncs your Twitter account to your phone contacts and unblocks your family’s accounts
I cry when I cut my carrots because I don’t want my onions to feel awkward.
Essential oils? You mean WD40?
But why do gorillas even need so many adhesive products?
Not me going in with a stool sample to my GP surgery & I when I handed it in the receptionist asked if it was requested by the doctor as if I just decided to shit in a tube and hand it in to her????
My child said she wanted to be like me so she put my glasses on top of her head and walked around saying “where are my glasses?!” I feel attacked
The Wizard of Oz is my favourite movie about serial murder for personal gain.
something like this could probably happen to anyone
*ironically creates weapon from olive branch*
Wife: hey take me out tonight.
Me: can it wait till tomorrow?
Wife: why?
Me: because tonight’s not garbage night, tomorrow is
Water is the solution to any problem… Do you want to lose weight? Drink more water. Stressful day? Take a warm bath. Tired of annoying people? Drown them.
When I need you, I close my eyes and I’m with you.
Until I hit the guardrail. Then sparks fly and I swerve back onto the road.
Me: I love you..Marry Me!
Burrito: I’m a Burrito..stop drinking.
Me: Baby, would you do that sexy thing with your mouth?
Her: *Yodels*
[Calling concert venues across the country]
Hi yes, I’m just calling to let you know that on your website you spelled “weekend” incorrectly
This is Patsy. She fell asleep in the rain and is now convinced she’s having an out-of-body experience. 14/10
*child becomes teenager*
Me: is it too late to rethink having children