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Literally no one understands something more completely than a woman in a meeting who starts a question with “Just so I understand…”
I think I might be ready to start dating again?
Husband:
Most women need a little reassurance.
Like when she says “oh, you want to see crazy?” Reassure her that you do not.
While it’s impossible to pick a favorite child, it’s easy to identify the one who isn’t your favorite at the moment.
If you ever get buried alive, use the extra time to think about what you did to put yourself in that situation so it doesn’t happen again.
My toddler has lost the eyes from her Mr Potato head toy and I’m pretty sure it was on purpose so he can’t see how shit 2020 is
Stranger: I’m going to punch you in the face now
Me: Please don’t
Stranger: It’s on sale 🥰
Me: Omg 3 please
Every time I see a person handing out flyers it blows my mind that some people actually get paid to distribute garbage to strangers.
*wakes up*
*frantically searches the bed for the donut I was eating in my dream*
If I’m ever snowed-in somewhere hope it’s a place that serves mushroom swiss burgers.
[Hospital]
Doctor:”…and so the baby is fine.”
Me:”And my wife?”
Doc:”I’m afraid she’s critical”
Me:”I know! But how is she?”
I think the saying “every man for himself” was made up by women tired of making sandwiches
added child seasoning to the list instead of chili, so that changes up next week’s menu.
[Couples’ Counselling]
Her: If he doesn’t stop talking in corporate cliches I’m leaving him
Me (in tears): Please don’t downsize our unit!
Sometimes I sit on my hand till it’s numb so it feels like someone else is googling my name
Kids will interrupt your really important conversations to ask questions like, “which door do you think the zombies will come through? The front door or the back door?”
friend: can you help me plan the baby shower?
me: sure. lather, rinse, repeat.
I’m rabidly against plagiarism, but I guess if you’re going to steal something, a Columbus joke at least makes sense
You know who the real winner is today? The guy who sells “I voted” stickers.
hey teens the only thing jack reacher should be “reach”ing for is a better relationship with jesus christ our lord & savior !!!
MY DAD (pounding on bathroom door): You’d better not be looking at mortgage rates again
my niece: I love dogs! They’re so cute and smart and fun! I really really really want a dog!
me: I walked seven blocks with a stinky bag of steaming dog poop this morning
my niece: maybe a cat
but your honor, i said “lol” afterwards
cop: the perp was found with red paint on his fingers, so i guess you could say he was caught.. *looks at camera* why is there a camera here
We all expected the zombie apocalypse. No one would’ve/could’ve imagined the covid 19 and TP wars of 2020.
One thing twitter has taught me is that someone, somewhere in the world is thinking exactly the same thing you are.
Imposter syndrome: I am surrounded by beings of impossible, cosmic intelligence
Also imposter syndrome: I, an incompetent, have tricked them all
The doctor tried using the stethoscope on CJ and he goes “no no, EYE baby doc” and tried using the stethoscope on the doctor 🤣 doc goes “hey man I worked hard to use this stethoscope, what are your credentials?” Cj goes “im baby” doc goes “ok that’s fair you can go first” 😂😂
How can you call yourself a pervert?
I’ve never seen you at any of the meetings.
Reached a point in my life that I have no ‘bones to pick’ nor ‘axes to grind’. Most would call it forgiveness, I call it memory loss and it’s peaceful.