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Me: how much for the goth harmonica?
Store Clerk: that’s a cheese grater
You never know how fast you can run until the parents yell, “the last to reach the bus will volunteer as a volunteer parent at school”.
the cashier at taco bell gave me the senior discount without asking me. I’m 38.
Good cop: frisks you
Bad cop: takes his time
Everything that my lip balm is, I want to be.
Rich, Hydrating, and Age-Defying.
After a Scrabble victory, I clear the board immediately so the Scrabble gods don’t think I’m gloating.
Used to tell my kids that I had underwear older than them but now that the kids are 21 and 24, I’ve stopped. Also, to be fair, they’re not much more than waistbands now.
WIFE (pulling up my browser history): i need you to explain something
ME: *gulps* uh oh
WIFE (points at my google search for “cry orbs with layers”): how the hell do you forget the word “onion”
Someone has left me a voicemail. I don’t know what to do. Open the phone app? The contacts? Do I turn on the TV?
its weird that when seltzer goes flat it doesn’t turn into regular water. you can still taste that something was Done To It
If you send multiple one sentence texts, I will mail a raccoon to your face I’m not kidding.
*updates tinder bio*
People who say the book is always better than the movie: have you ever actually read “Debbie Does Dallas?”
Leo: Your natural selfishness will play to your advantage today when you spot a donut in the hands of a child you could easily overpower.
My favourite horror sitcom crossover was I Know What You Did Last Of The Summer Wine
”My intentions are not pure” I whisper as I put on yoga pants with no intention of doing yoga.
I fell in love with a female electrician.
…She was a real live wire and i took her ohm with me.
ME WHEN A NORMAL BUG IS ON ME: Eww.
ME WHEN A LADYBUG IS ON ME: Evening, Ma’am.
If I had Pokemon, I’d pretend to understand them. They’d go “Bulba bulbaaasaur” and I’d be like “What do u mean Hitler did nothing wrong?”
I never use “a lot” or “too much” butter. I use the right amount. Now, hand me my butter shovel.
Sharon, call the vet
I spend 90% of my life trying to do the right thing and the other half wondering why I don’t understand Math.
[feather on the ground]
4-year-old: It’s a pterodactyl feather!
Me: Pterodactyls don’t have feathers.
4: I know. They fell off.
I’m really sorry you figured out my tweet was directed squarely at you, person I’ve never interacted with or thought about before.
[Dinner at Arby’s]
Me: Remember our first date here? Feels like yesterday
Her: It was lunch today. Please take me home
Me: Ahh memories
Rival dad just flexed on my bird feeder post telling me about his with a built in camera. I may not recover from this.
My anaconda don’t want none unless you got a suitable living environment for him, a terrarium with a heat lamp, some small rodents, etc.
I turned my phone onto “Airplane Mode” and threw it into the air. Worst. Transformer. Ever.
Mom taught us that “shut up” was the worst thing you could ever say to someone. But I had bigger dreams.
Incase you didn’t hear the look I just gave you,
Shut up.