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when someone asks me my body count do they mean like ted bundy or stormy daniels.
I’m listening, but this 5-year-olds ‘polka-dotted dinosaur astronaut’ story better have a point
This tape doesn’t even taste like scotch.
I stuck a “Baby On Board” sign on my minivan to warn the other drivers how fussy and tantrum-y I get when traffic’s bad or I miss my nap.
My former boss’s wife posted a photo of their youngest child on Facebook and I commented, “you’re right, he does look just like me!”
And now we wait…
Once someone broke into my car and didn’t steal anything – not my leather jacket or any of my CDs, and I have never felt more judged.
the worm is coming from inside the brain
Serious Question: Can I get a moustache by kissing another guy with a moustache?
[sees girl reading To Kill A Mockingbird]
“Ah I love that book. The way he just [clenches fist] kills all those frickin birds.”
Yet the one time I did, I got banned
God created the orgasm so women can moan even when they’re happy.
I take no responsibility for anything I said or did yesterday.
I was young. It was a different time.
One of my favorite parts of grocery shopping is when somebody else does it for me.
Superman’s first day at the daily planet.
Boss: Since you’re new, you might need supervision.
Clark: I have that, superhearing too.
Marriage hack: when your wife says “I think it’s crazy, but do what you want,” don’t do what you want.
So many recipes say they can be made with stuff you definitely have in your kitchen already, but then none of them ever call for expired sour cream or the giant extra thing of red pepper flakes you bought by accident.
boss: this company is more profitable than ever
me: how about a raise?
boss: sorry i have to take this call
me: your phone isn’t ringing
boss: [fakes heart attack]
I asked my dog to marry me and he said no. I am stuck in man’s best friendzone.
Instagram: My life is a party.
Snapchat: My life is a quirky tv show
Facebook: My life turned out great!
Twitter: We’re all going to die.
Doctor: You need a kidney transplant.
Me: A transplant?
Dr: Don’t worry, I’ve never lost a patient. I know where each one is buried.
Me:
I’ve just turned off the news and put on a serial killer documentary to relax.
I wish I knew how to spell the crinkle sound a chip bag makes because that would be my future dog’s name.
11yo: why are you doing dishes with your jeans undone?
me: no sweetie. It’s; YAY MOMMY! YOU GOT THOSE JEANS ON!
When you’re an inflight safety pamphlet designer who definitely knows what babies look like
But most of all, I regret that my actions have led to negative consequences for me
I wouldn’t mind razor blades in my Halloween candy this year, they’re getting really expensive.
Me: so they don’t punish you at school?
Kid: they make us sit in a thinking chair
Me: does that work?
Kid: I already planned my next move while thinking in the chair
Fridges are proof that it’s what’s inside that matters and not how you look like on the outside.
finally caved and watched tiger king. shit is bananas. the uncle killed the dad while the kid watched, then the kid ran away and hung out with a warthog and a meerkat for years? then he hallucinated his dad talking to him from the sky? weird
Villian: one false move and you’re history
Me: ok wait does that mean one true move and I’m the future? *eyes welling up* Very inspiring sir thank you