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Not enough drugs in the world that would make me strip in front of a webcam. But a bottle of wine should do it.
Getting high with witches sounds super cool until they start looking at you and whispering about sacrifices.
doctor: your heart rate is a little high, have you exercised today?
me: does sex count?
doctor: yes
me: then no
*walks in with singed eyebrows and an empty gas can*
Friend: The revenge didn’t go as planned, did it?
Me: *grabs chainsaw* Nope.
Just FYI if a DJ or children’s entertainer tells you to “make some noise”, never make the most amount of noise you can the first time, because chances are they’ll tell you that they can’t hear you and you’ll have to make even more noise
The great thing about having pet insurance is that while our labrador is at the vets, they’ve given us a courtesy poodle to hang out with.
No trip to Home Depot is complete without at least two more trips to Home Depot for what you didn’t know you needed to buy the first time.
spent 20 minutes training ChatGPT to write the perfect anniversary note for my wife so don’t try to tell me I’m not romantic
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
he had the eyes of a man who just dropped his ice cream
Going back to the 90’s.. You’ll want anything??
Me: What’s the suite number on that address?
8: It just says “Hashtag 301.”
Me: Before hashtags were born, those were called number signs.
Me watching any college movie:
WHY AREN’T THESE KIDS STUDYING
Probably the one thing that separates us from the animals is that animals don’t package and sell people crackers.
[making out]
ME: *grabs a blindfold from the nightstand*
GIRLFRIEND: omg really?
ME: *blindfolding the dog at the end of the bed* really.
“No woman, no cry.” – Tarzan breaking up with girlfriend.
Wife: pick a Halloween movie to watch.
Me: Harry Potter.
Wife: that’s not a Halloween movie.
Me: then why does it have witches?
Wife:
Me: and spells.
Wife:
Me: and flying broomsticks.
Wife: pick another movie.
Me: fine. Harry Potter number 2.
My first date was awful. Never eaten them since.
Me: What is the opposite of truth?
My kid: Dare
Me: okay
Me: wait what????
My five-year old grandson responded, “Not again!” when I asked if he’d like chicken nuggets, because a year ago we had chicken nuggets.
[lying in front of the fire]
11: Do you think she’s asleep or dead?
9: *throws toy, 2 massive dogs pounce on me*
Me: *screams*
9: Asleep
[Facebook post]
Wife: Decorating with the fam and listening to holiday music #blessed[real life]
Wife: QUIT THROWING THE GODDAMN ORNAMENTS AT YOUR BROTHER
Still kinda pissed off that Octo-mom only has 2 arms
I’m one of those lucky people that can eat whatever they want and not put on any clothes.
[Being buried alive]
Guess I’m really living on…
*I knock-knock on coffin lid*
…burrowed time
Gravediggers: this is why
If you ever feel unattractive, just remember that you look like your ancestors, and Hey, All of them got laid.
This is Patsy. She fell asleep in the rain and is now convinced she’s having an out-of-body experience. 14/10
I recycle jokes because I care about the environment, Samantha.
Me: I want more
Dentist: excuse me?
Me: you know how you take teeth out?
Dentist: yea
Me: do that but the opposite
I want someone to push me up against the wall.. lean in..
and softly whisper…
“I’ll do your housework for you”
My problem isn’t that I lose all my chapsticks. It’s just that I don’t remember which one I used the last time I had the flu.