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PSA: If you’re about to be arrested, climb to the roof of a nearby court. You are now ‘above the law’ & literally can’t get in trouble ever
Now that he’s back, Trump’s tweeting again which begs the question, does the Pres of the United States not have an international data plan?
Swordfish: my nose looks ridiculous.
God: at least you have a cool name.
Swordfish: so?
God: I could have made you look ridiculous AND have a dumb name.
Swordfish: but why would you do that to someone?
Hammerhead Shark: yes God why would you do that to someone?
Husband: I almost ate an entire pan of Rice Krispies treats.
Me: Almost? Quitter.
Them: what is dumbest thing you have done?
Me: you mean like today?
[date]
ME: ur jacket goes well with ur purse
HER: *sits down* see it’s not hard to be complimentary
ME: u mean complementary
HER: *gets up*
klingon
*two claps*
klingoff
[first date]
me: are you a reader?
date: omg i love reading
me: [handing her my menu] thank god
I hope no one murders you..but if they do, I hope it’s quick and interesting enough to get you on Dateline.
God: “At least I didn’t get FAT.”
Buddha: “At least I didn’t get CRUCIFIED.”
Apparently, “lead the way” is not the best response to your neighbour’s “may you burn in the eternal flames of hellfire” after his 17th wind chimes go missing under mysterious circumstances.
I get it fish, my body is also beer battered
LEGALIZE MEDICINAL MURDER
I’ve literally never clicked copied and pasted text and thought, “I’m so glad it kept the formatting and font from the other document.”
Cat: What are you doing?
Me: Nothing.
Cat: You were looking at younger cats again.
Me: No
Cat: Show me your Instagram feed.
Me: No way.
a fate I wish upon no one
[Looking out the window]
Me: I don’t understand this show.
God: letting you name each other’s breeds was brilliant on my part.
Cat: for the dogs I got Great Dane, Saint Bernard, and Golden Retriever : )
God: nice! your turn Dog!
Dog: oh.
Cat: I’m so excited!
Dog: alleycat.
Cat:
Dog: look I didn’t know we were being serious.
We’ve got some ground rules in this house bro. if there’s a sock on the doorknob it means im trippin balls and think the door is a big foot
you could post a photo of a celebrity like “she looked so cool in the 90s” and some freak will quote tweet it like “Yeah, she looked so cool in the outfit she wore to go run over 15 people with her car on June 4th, 1993.” and it’s like i’m sorry why would i know about that
What kind of bait does a librarian use when he goes fishing?
A bookworm!
#RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts
#ThursdayThoughts #ThursdayVibes
“building-building building building building-building building”
(translatiom: structur-making tower makimg another structure-making tower)
[a pig opens the door for me]
Thank you, ha’am.
You can either have a nice evening or you can help your child with their math homework.
You can’t have both.
“Give me your finest meal, money is of no concern.”
~ Me at McDonald’s on pay day.
Smart cars are what happens when Optimus Prime gets drunk and has sex with his vacuum cleaner.
Me: i have one pretty serious symptom
WebMD: that you know of
ME: a guy at work broke his jaw and has to eat all his meals through a straw
WIFE: wow that sucks
ME: i know what a straw does linda
