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Seeing my kids getting along, laughing, and peacefully playing together is the best fourteen seconds of my day.
[etched on my tombstone]
THE DIET STARTS TOMORROW
Daddy Bear -“Someones been sleeping in my bed.”
Mummy Bear -“Wouldn’t be the first time.”
Daddy Bear -“It’s been 3 years Sue, let it go.”
ME: Here she comes.
BRAIN: Great!
ME: Quick, what do I say?
BRAIN: Tell her she’s like a fine wine.
ME: Okay.“YOU’RE LIKE FINE WINE I’D LIKE TO PUT YOU IN A CONTAINER WITH A CORK IN YOUR MOUTH AND KEEP YOU ON A RACK IN MY CELLAR UNTIL I’M READY TO ENJOY YOU”
BRAIN: Excellent.
I didn’t get you a gift bag, I LENT you a gift bag. Now get your crap out of it and give it back without any crinkles.
As a lil mental health treat I’ll throw a few beef bullion cubes in my hot tub then sit in it like I’m a slow cooking roast in a crock pot.
There is a drunk woman on the tube throwing After Eights at everyone and, in the most British way possible, everyone is pretending they aren’t being hit on the head by tiny chocolatey squares (which hurts by the way) and not looking at anyone else in the eye.
Grease is my favourite film about a group of high-school kids who have been kept back for 17 years
I have to eat my last meal of the day earlier and earlier as time goes by or I won’t be able to sleep at night
I had supper at 10:30 this morning today
College is like a Dora the Explorer episode; your professor asks a question, stares at you and then answers their own question.
Corn mazes are great because how often does one get to experience the feeling of being trapped by corn
Wednesday
ME: Dave’s coming over for tea
WIFE: Dave from work or Dave I’m having a secret affair with?
DAVE: *from inside wardrobe* I don’t eat peas
[Before 9 was invented]
7: damn I’m hungry
Yes, I’m a slob, but I’m a sanitary slob. Underneath all the clutter it’s actually clean.
Sure Italian food is expensive but I think it’s worth every penne
If these walls could talk they would definitely say wow this guy really does add cheese to everything after all
1) “Obamas spying on you.”2) “Eh. Cost of being free!”1) “Obama wants to give you healthcare.”2) “WHO THE HELL DOES HE THINK HE IS?”
Date: I love car chase action scenes
Me, a fruit stand vendor: I think we’re done here
I ate so much bread yesterday, I checked Web MD to make sure that I couldn’t end up with a yeast infection.
Me: Wanna have sex?
Wife: With you or in general?
I bet a woman found that F35 and it was exactly where she said it would be.
I’m not the prettiest girl, or the smartest, I don’t have a perfect body, and this started out as a tweet but is now my suicide note.
At Dunkin Donuts-
8: Can I get choc. milk?
Me: We have that at home.
8: We have coffee at home too…
Me: WHO TAUGHT YOU LOGICAL THINKING?!
[Bucket Lists]
2003:
1. Visit Rome
2. Go skydiving
3. Run marathon2017:
1. Eat sitting down
2. Wake up naturally
3. Finish painting foyer
Just a reminder your kids will be left to clean out your belongings when you die and will find ‘the bedroom drawer’.
Fantasy football is just Dungeons and Dragons for the people who used to beat up the people who played Dungeons and Dragons.
Starting to miss the kids after 5 days at grandma’s, so I wistfully dumped a bin of toys on the floor and sprinkled crumbs on the couch.
I brought my Beats headphones to work, and instead of being left alone, I’ve had 7 rap battles and am in the finals against A$AP Carol.