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So your face, is it permanently like that or are you genuinely surprised every time you take a selfie?
Pringle’s: Once you pop, the fun don’t stop!
Me: *covered in Pringle’s shards and grease, surrounded by empty tubes* It’s true I’m having the time of my life
my dad: [rising up from behind couch]
the new ppl that live in that house now: wtf
You don’t know true paranoia until you Google “How to tell if you’re being spied on” and a photo of your living room comes up.
I know there is something wrong with my car the old fashioned way. I smell it or hear it.
My three kids are roughly the same age as Kate Middleton’s so I can say pretty confidently that she is hiding in the bathroom pretending to pee for a really long time.
11-year-old: I’m bringing my saxophone home from school tomorrow.
Me: Why?
11: To practice making sounds.
Me: You mean notes?
11: No. We haven’t learned those yet.
Lucky us.
Kids are home for two weeks while their school is being cleaned. I want to blame the virus but in reality, Corona is how I wound up with three kids in the first place.
Just overheard my 2-year-old exclaim “YAY I DID IT” from the other room. What I learn next will either be exhilarating or horrifying.
Are you even a parent if you’ve never carried your child out of a store sideways like a surfboard?
Protip: Never end a work email with “Let me know if you want to discuss” without immediately leaving the building.
“Can you make me look like this?” *shows hairdresser a picture of fire*
i want my tweets to have a faint hint of humor, like a joke la croix
People who think Americans won’t take trains if they are a couple of hours slower than planes need to meet the Midwesterners who are like “why bother flying it’s only a ten hour drive”
“This is the coolest underwater sci-fi movie ever.”
-me, drunk, watching the pool vac
Why aren’t the people in old timey photos ever smiling? Because they were in constant danger of getting eaten by dinosaurs. READ A BOOK.
I just heard my roommate mixing some beats except I don’t have a roommate and it was my cat throwing up.
If coronavirus isn’t about beer then why do they keep talking about cases of it
Optimist: The glass is ½ full.
Pessimist: The glass is ½ empty.
Excel: The glass is January 2nd
If by free thinker you mean nobody has given me a penny for my thoughts then yeah, I’m a free thinker.
I still use my laptop to tweet. Also, I ride my horse through the shire to get to the blacksmith.
Tyrannosaurus Clark Kent, unable to do shit because he can’t remove his glasses
is this a threat
my kids teacher via zoom: division is multiplication backwards
me: (in distant background) holy shit.
Daughter saw old clothes I’ve saved for sentimental value & said ‘I bet you cried when the last dinosaur died too’. She’s out of the will.
Friend: I saw this guy he looks just like you!
Me: Please dont
Friend: No I’m serious you guys are twins
Me: This is never flattering please just shut up
Friend: Look, I took a picture
Me: Man this is an old tire full of water
Friend: You guys are identical!
adulthood means having ice cream for dinner and regret for dessert
7yo: Why can’t I have coffee?
Me: It’ll make u even more energetic than u already are
7: But u drink it all the time& u never have energy!
I don’t watch wedding shows and get excited about getting married but I do watch Dateline and get excited about being murdered.