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whoever removed the 30th and 31st from february, come get the 14th too bro
I swear 75% of being a divorce lawyer is just answering emails from clients saying, “No. No. No. You absolutely cannot do that, no.”
Henry: mom did you know that criminals can go to heaven?
Me: yes like if they believe in Jesus and ask him for forgiveness?
Henry: no like if they break in
I bought some old lady reading glasses as a lark, a laugh, and now my eyes don’t hurt, this isn’t what I wanted
if i stick just one toe outside my front door somehow it will cost me $40
Why are they called “grammar Nazis” and not “the Gestypo”?
Avril Lavigne: He was a boy. She was a girl. Can I make it any more obvious?
Me: Yes you could. That is incredibly vague.
Daughter: This is a long movie preview.
Me: You’re a long movie preview. I’ve been raising you 17 years and still no movie.
My favorite part of Easter is when, after dinner, the whole family gets together and reads letters about how my drinking has affected them.
My dad, seeing my 7yo on an iPad: when I was a kid we played with sticks and rocks all day!
My 7yo: oooh I love sticks and rocks! Will you play with sticks and rocks with me all day today?
Your move, grandpa.
me: hey, cute dog, what’s his name
guy w/ dog: Robert
me: Robert
guy: yeah
me: [grabs him by shirt] wtf is wrong with you
OMG… JUST OPENED A CUPBOARD AND ALL MY POSTAGE STAMPS ARE PREGNA-
Oh wait, it’s Ravioli.
I can’t wait til I have hearing aids, so I can just turn them off when I’m tired of hearing everyone.
[puts a tub of Blue Bell in the cart]
Ma’am, did you hear there was a recall? That could be deadly.
[slowly puts second tub in cart]
My boss said “dress for the job you want, not for the job you have”
Now I am sitting in a disciplinary meeting in my Wonder Woman costume.
I hired an insecurity guard. He said
“I hope you feel safe rn cuz I don’t know if I’m right for the job.”
Mmmm canned fish.
I just screenshot my blue check and made it my banner. That was easy. And free 😂
There’s something I really need to get off my chest tonight
Throws bra on the floor
I feel much better
A coworker just told me that “it is what it is” and I have never felt so enlightened.
(watching the shower scene in Psycho) I’d kill for that water pressure
What part of this $7.50 Wal Mart T-shirt makes you think I’d like to see the wine list?
Me: *upon exiting the womb* you’ll be hearing from my lawyer
I like long walks along the beach until the drugs wear off & I realize I’m actually crawling through the sand at the local construction site
Just me?
alien graffiti can be pretty hurtful 😔
SATANIST #1: we need a lot of blood for this ritual
SATANIST #2: yeah but how can we carry it all
KOOL AID MAN: why is everybody staring at me
[at Victoria’s Secret]
*folding panties on table*
“Sir, where are the fitting rooms?”
Oh, I don’t work here.
*continues folding panties*
“Hey, look, is that Dad?”
“Either that or Batman’s really let himself go.”
Clearance aisles are awesome. I don’t even have a ham but for fifty cents I’m gonna glaze something.