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new shirt idea
I don’t need to read the room I already know how it ends
The smartest way to keep kids out of a fumigated house is by making it look like a big fun circus tent.
The Flo Rida song Friday bothers me so much
“I wish every day was Friday.”
The magic of Friday is the anticipation of the weekend, and if every day was Friday there would be no weekend.
No one let this man make a wish on a monkey paw.
Call me old fashioned, but that’s not my name and I absolutely will not respond to it.
Company loyalty can often be explained by Stockholm syndrome.
GOP in 2008: Obama is Hitler!
GOP in 2012: Obama is Hitler!
GOP in 2016: Ok Hitler actually had some cool ideas
Relations at the bird feeder have been strained since the experimental millet blend.
I just got hit head on by a crazy women riding a menstrual cycle.
Going viral is a great way to see that 50,000 people looked at your profile and thought, nah.
Me: I’m so over him
Vodka: No you’re not, you should text him
Me: Really?
Vodka: Yes! 25 times
I’ll bet the first ever drive thru window resulted in an incredible amount of broken glass.
They’re a pack of lions
He’s some guy who hates lions
Together, they’re:
PRIDE AND PREJUDICEThis fall on CBS
Wow, so it’s true… Toddlers in Tiaras is the prequel to 16 and Pregnant which is the Prequel to Intervention
[donut shop]
me: I’ll take a bear claw
*loud roar from the back*
me: never mind, I’ll take a glaze
There are eleven types of people in the world: those that understand Roman numerals, and those that don’t
SOME DUDE IN A LAB IS WORKING ON BRINGING THE PTERODACTYL BACK TO LIFE SO ENJOY THOSE EVENING STROLLS WHILE YOU CAN!
English is just 3 languages wearing a trenchcoat pretending to be one tall language
*starts slow clap*
*Clap. Clap. Clap. Clap*
“Sir, your pizza will be ready in 15 minutes!”
*slow claps for 15 minutes*
The mood took a dark turn when I intercepted the wedding bouquet and ran it back for a touchdown.
You ever stare at your face in the mirror for so long you don’t even recognize yourself anymore & then realize you haven’t been staring into a mirror at all but a piping hot broccoli casserole?
Me: I need to lose some weight.
Fries: Let’s do it together.
Wife thinks I was present for every conversation she’s had with anyone, ever, and assumes I know what the hell she’s talking about right now
god: you’re a pig
pig: huh
god: you’re filthy
pig: yeesh
god: you eat slop from a trough
pig: c’mon
god: you stink
pig: ok ok, guy, i get it.. but this should save me from being food myself tho, no?
god: here’s the thing
Dog: Take me out! I need to poop!
Me: Okay, we’re out, go potty
Dog: My bad. I meant I need to poop tomorrow. Thanks for the walk though
Me: IT’S 2AM!
henry VIII found four more women to marry him after he cut his wife’s head off and i can’t get a txt back
44.65
*click*
44.87*click*
44.96*click*
44.98*click*
44.99*click*
45.01~ gas pumps
*Mom makes me take out the garbage*
*Garbage and I begin to date*
*I start taking things too fast*
*Garbage dumps me*
i hope that everyone who forgot to wish me a happy national boston terrier day yesterday spends eternity burning in hell
Having a panic attack thinking about how there’s somebody in Australia standing directly under me