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Hope to get one dose of Pfizer and one dose of Moderna and just let them fight it out in my body
There should be a place on the organ donor card that lets you leave your middle finger to a person you hate.
People make the mistake of keeping aubergines in the fridge, when in fact they should be kept in the bin
I like men in uniform, but sometimes it’s hard to flirt when they’re handcuffing me for menacing or rescuing me from another kitchen fire.
Me: we should probably go to bed
Friend: or we could drink more and stay up later at the small expense of our will to live in the morning
Me: ok
me: I’d like some ham please
server: ok how much
me: I really really want it
girlfriend: at my house we call pop soda
me: ok
her dad: *opens door* hello
me: hello sir, or should I say *finger guns* soda
I’m like Helen of Troy. Not in the sense of being breathtakingly beautiful, but in the sense of pissing people off and starting wars
Boss: “Do you know why I called you in here?”
Me: “To see if I can read minds?”
When I see a man with long fingernails, my first thought is wizard
My second thought is virgin wizard
You know Santa isn’t real because no man over 40 is out past 9PM.
In 1956, the US government exploded a nuclear bomb near bottles of beer to see if beer would still be safe to drink in the event of the nuclear apocalypse. Conclusion: at least you can still safely get drunk in a nuclear wasteland.
Out of Office Auto-Reply:
I’m sorry but I’m overwhelmed and I don’t have my shit together right now so it’s going to be a while until I get back to you, and even when I do it may be a series of sighs and grunts in email form.
Alexa, find me a cat who’s hell bent on world domination just as soon as the weather picks up a bit.
me: i’m proposing to my gf
sonic the hedgehog: that’s awesome man
me: i need a ring lol
sonic: *nervous* haha
me: *pulling out a baseball bat*
My milk crate brings all the boys to the ER.
Dr: You have palpitations
Me: You mean my heartbeat’s off?
Dr: Hearts can’t beat off HAHAHAHA
Me: HAHAHAHAHA- [goes into cardiac arrest]
Tinder: she casually drops being a swinger into the conversation
Me: ah yes, been there… I too have regular mood fluctuations
Hitchhikers won’t kill you if you kill them first.
Technology: the world is at your fingertips, you can accomplish anything!
Twitter: nope
professor x: your 2 year old is not a mutant
me: but he knows which foods he hates BEFORE HE’S TRIED THEM
7: Mom can I tell you the longest dream I had?
Me: Why don’t you write it down so I can absorb it? But first tell Dad.
*Giant boulder slowly crushes several hundred cats*
Guy who’s about to invent the bagpipes: Hey, this gives me an idea!
I have always wanted to do this 😭😭
ME: let’s not fight
DOCTOR: you punched me
ME: you stabbed me
DOCTOR: with a needle
ME: let’s not fight
If ex asks you to go bungee jumping remember, cord goes around feet not neck, no matter what they tell you.
*reads your mind*
*decides to wait for the movie*
I swear I am going to sit in the parking lot and slam a bag of beef jerky before my dental hygienist appointment.
Make her earn every dollar of that teeth cleaning.
