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I just got a text from an ex telling me he wanted to “reach out.” This isn’t a work email buddy.
Dudes wash, shampoo, condition & rinse in under three minutes while women take a shour.
*waits several days to eat leftovers*
Wife: I was just going to eat that!
*waits a week to eat leftovers*
Wife: I was just going to eat that
*waits a month to eat leftovers*
Wife: I was just going to eat that!
cats: you just cleaned this box, i must use it
dogs: I can’t use a clean area, I must go where everyone has gone before me
one of my students brought back his report card today signed “MOMMY” 😭
Damn gurl, are you the snacks in my grandma’s cabinet? Because you taste like you expired 4 years ago
Maybe the sharks are attacking people bc they think they are made of cake
(driving in a bad neighborhood)
me: *slowly locks my door*
murderer in backseat: *slowly locks their door*
Daughter has prom tomorrow so I’ve been practicing my “Menacing Dad Face” all day….so far I’ve had a colleague offer me Tums.
Hot woman *points at my empty glass* hey, want another?
Me: Why would I want another empty glass?
[later]
Me *stops brushing teeth* hang on
Of course I’m not going to use my cat’s real name. Lord knows what all these internet perverts would do with that information.
During childbirth the pain is so great that a woman almost knows what it’s like for a man to have the flu.
Me: Pick up your toys please.
5yo: Who’s coming over?
Them: Welcome to the anti-giraffe club! We hate them. No talking about them. No impersonations. Any questions?
Me: *raises hand*
Them: Get out.
People ask if I’m worried about growing a third arm after getting the vaccine and honestly I could use more hands.
I used to make picture meals for my daughter until she got bored and asked me to stop.
[watching burglar tear apart the house] lmao ur not even close
Current fitness level: my arm gave out while blow drying my hair.
me: I wish I would have put on sunscreen
wife: I have some in my purse
me: naaaaahhhh
Pro tip: The Labor Day weekend is a great time to start drafting your Halloween, Thanksgiving, and Christmas tweets.
“Hey. My eye is up here.”
– hurricanes
Qui-gon: You will give me the parts
Watto: I’m immune to mind tricks
Qui: Are you immune to lightsabers?
Watto: I will give you the parts
INTERVIEWER: what’s a skill you want to improve?
ME: to realize when someone isn’t talking to me
JOE: uh…Excel
I know this now 😂
My GPS thinks we should see other drivers.
I am your dream girl if your dream girl suddenly dissapears into plumes of feathers and occasionally seeks vengeance against a betraying human by turning them into an oak tree. Also may or may not steal entire baguettes off window sills.
Those are good neighbors.
[robbing a bank]
Bank teller: *slides over money* here you go
Me: *slides it back* can I make a deposit
When my kids misbehave we watch ‘Honey, I Shrunk the Kids’ and then I make them stand in a giant Petri dish while I set up the machine.