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[Commercial for Milk]
Tired of dipping your hot dog in boring old water?!
i am single and looking for someone amazing! but if my ex is reading this i have 12 boyfriends and they have all proposed to me
best comment I’ve heard when I tell people I’m sober is “eating too much is WAY worse than drinking too much,” but I’ve never known anyone who got a concussion or chlamydia after too many McNuggets
With KFC’s announcement they’ve created an edible coffee cup, the chain is ready to face its next challenge: creating edible food.
I don’t care if it’s immature or not, I’m pausing my age until this bullshit is over.
I wrapped my coat around a young girl. She was standing in the freezing cold with no coat, her shoes barely covered her feet.
She didn’t even appreciate it, she just kept screaming at me to get out of her wedding video
I’m one whole face and body rearrangement away from being Scarlett Johansson.
You can put a human being on the moon but you can’t make a button I can secretly hit on my phone to make it ring & get me out of small talk? *glare* PRIORITIES, People. Make it happen.
me: [banging head on wall]
wife: honey is something wrong
me: [sobbing] I’M A SHITTY WOODPECKER
After 2 weeks of multiple health screens and asking everyone to quarantine, I surprised my closest inner circle with a trip to a private island where we could hunt people for sport.
Nothing like sitting on a chair at your kid’s school to inspire you to never eat cookies again.
When something with a lifetime warranty breaks, they send a hitman to your house.
HIM: I wanna do bad things with you
ME: Like punching old ladies?
HIM: Uh, no…
ME: Stealing from the donation jar?
HIM: God, no! I mean like-
ME: Stroller tipping?
HIM: You know, never mind.
ME: Taking up two parking spaces?
HIM: Goodbye
ME: Putting habanero juice in-
Me: I’m going to eat healthy from now on
Pizza: *exists*
Me: never mind
STAND-UP COMEDIAN: you know how after sex-
ME: [stands up all mad] this isn’t relatable at all
Each time a person sneezes on an airplane, that sneeze circulates the entire airplane cabin before being filtered out by vents.
“This year sucked, next year will suck too.” Enough negativity, let’s hear something aspirational. In 2024 we will put all tik tok content creators in jail
Me: lord give me a sign
Lord: *gives me a sign*
Me: no, give me a sign I like
“Mirror, mirror, on the wall.”
Mover: “Fine. Where do you want the couch?”
Why are all the young female protagonists named Cassie or Lexi or Sammie? I’m going to write a book about an adorkable heroine and call her Bertha.
Positives about working from home:
– There’s no commute.
– I can talk to the cat all day.Negatives about working from home:
– I don’t leave the house
– I’ve started talking to the cat.
For the record, I love my children unconditionally and no amount of diarrhea will ever change that.
Probably.
Humans are pretty civilized until a t-shirt is being thrown into a crowd.
“Let the chips fall where they may.”
-My kids when they’re eating chips on the couch.
I don’t need a partner in crime, I got this shit.
I may however need an alibi.
TITANIC: GOING DOWN!
LOBSTER: MAKE A RUN FOR IT! WE’RE FREE!
“So You Were Trying to Be Polite But Now He Wants to Wear Your Skin As Pajamas: A Woman’s Guide to the Internet”
I know I’m not alone but my biggest pet peeve is when one of the residents in my home yells from the kitchen to no one in particular (me), “ARE THE DISHES IN THE DISHWASHER CLEAN OR DIRTY?”
LOVED ONES: When I die, I want you to throw a sad party where you all look at my dead body
US, FOR SOME REASON: Ok that’s no problem
Just told my driving instructor to put his seat belt ON for his safety. I’m definitely going to get the license this time.