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I’ve been online shopping so much, lately Amazon welcomes me with “You again?”
Don’t you love it when you’re doing a nude selfie in a leather harness and you accidentally press answer on your mom’s face time?
Just realized that my spirit animal is Winnie the Pooh.
Two words: No pants.
Her: You have a cigarette machine in your kitchen?
Me: Well it would look ridiculous in the living room…
angel: whatcha making?
god: *buffing a shark* dolphin
I’m a creative speller thus no typos, just art.
“Do what you love and you’ll never work a day in your life” yeah because I won’t be leaving my bed
I sing this with my entire soul to anyone within earshot. I truly believe, in my heart of hearts, that anything that is broken can always be mended.
-The inventor of duct tape, probably
*Watching TV*
Hmmm, I should read more
*Turns on subtitles*
Robber: *is literally robbing my house*
My dog: pls mister robber pet my belly pls
[dressed like Slave Leia]
Them: Haha ready for Halloween?
Me: Halloween?
It’s not rude to hand visitors a timer when they show up, right??
Regrettable life choices: not learning how to syphon gas
U can give out anything on Halloween it doesn’t have to be candy last year I gave a kid my cable bill it was awesome he paid it & everything
A year ago I moved the silverware to a more convenient location in the kitchen, and every day for the last year I’ve been conveniently opening the wrong drawer.
All the junk foods you eat through the holidays can bind you up. It happens. But I have a colonoscopy coming soon so the prep will take care of all that.
New Year, new bowels. Gotta look for the bright side.
October begins the tradition of removing the expired salad from the crisper drawer and renaming it the Reese’s drawer.
I don’t homeschool my kids cause the only historic battle I know is the one between Biggie and Tupac.
Women do things I can’t even imagine doing: give birth, close cabinet doors, etc.
Me: It’s time for your nap.
6: I don’t wanna take a nap!!
M: First off, don’t talk back to me. Second, I was talking to me.
Who’s the idiot that called it “The Wizard of Oz” and not “The Flair Witch Project”?
skydiving instructor: is this your first time?
me: [holding seven balloons] why do you ask
Romeo and Juliet is a story about two teenagers who save themselves a lot of trouble by avoiding marriage
Intoxicated man causing disturbances attempts to hide from police…under a blanket
Me: [2013] I don’t trust anyone I meet online
Me: [2018] last night I met someone on Twitter and we’re moving in together to become paranormal investigators
Dad to kid: “Connor, eat your food!”
“Eat your food!”
“Eat your food!”
“Eat your food!”
Me: *turns around, eats all of kid’s food*
Babies look like old men. I told my newborn niece she was my sweet schmoopie angel and she told me to get off her lawn.
Dingo: The dingo community is known for many other things
TV Host: What are cooking for us today?
Dingo: I’m making my famous baby coleslaw
My neighbor hates it when I figure out his wifi password but it’s his fault for writing it down and putting it on his fridge.
My favourite interaction on this hellish site just happened
