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The man next to me has cologne so strong that I’m dizzy with hallucinations, plus all those mushrooms I took.
Y’all think a holey cow makes swiss cheese?
My therapist is so lucky. I’m like a Netflix Original that pays her to watch.
I keep a notepad next to my bed so if I wake up with a great idea, I can write it down. Last night, I scribbled “fruit roll-ups,” and I’m not sure what it means, but I think I’m on to something brilliant.
You are right, 27 is “just a number” but I’m looking for a man, not a boy.
No offense.
PS: Save my number… just in case I change my mind.
THIS SIGN MAKES ME SO HAPPY 😊😊😊
[Conditioning my hair in the shower]
Me: *rings bell*
My hair: *salivates*
[after lover’s spat]
ME: Honey. Lamb chop. Sweetie cakes.
HER: You’re just naming foods.
ME: Pumpkin. Muffin.
HER: …
ME: Zucchini bread.
Just congratulated my ex on dating someone so young that her Throwback Thursday photos are just pictures of her pregnant mom. I’m a dream.
All Virgos care about is food and like 2 other people.
surely got to be a better way to end each section of this Mental Health training course
Putting a little orange juice on my hands before I go to the butterfly pavilion so people think I have a special gift
Everybody always says never go to bed angry, but nobody told my husband never let your wife go to Target angry. He learned this the hard way.
What if I never *dramatic pause* sleep *dramatic pause* a- *falls asleep during third dramatic pause*
WIFE: can you preheat the oven?
ME: you mean heat it
WIFE: not this again
ME: it can’t be heated before it’s heated. don’t give me that look
gotta say, i love living by the sword. i hope there are no consequences from this regarding how i ultimately die
Me: Table for four, please. And can we get some crayons?
Her: Will there be children dining today?
Me: No. The crayons are for me.
My husband annoyed me last night so I adjusted the toaster settings slightly this morning.
Boss: This is the third time you’ve been late for work this week. Do you know what that means?
Me: That it’s only Wednesday
looking for a new pillow and came across these ones that look like you just opened your own head that was shipped to you in protective styrofoam
Adopt your boss.
They can’t tell you what to do if they’re grounded.
On a packed bus googling “how to tell the person sitting next to you that you love them”
If practice makes perfect, why in the hell are we all so shit at sleeping as adults!
The global energy crisis could be solved if only we could harness the power of my wife slamming my car door.
If it weren’t for the gutter, my mind would be homeless.
[working late]
ME: I’m starting to fall asleep.
CO-WORKER: When that happens to me, I slap my cheek really hard. You should try it.
ME: *smacks him in the face* You’re right, I feel better.
Back from the dentist, my teeth are now the most expensive things I own.
*Salt-Free Chocolate Covered Potato Chips*
My Wife… The Bargain Hunter
Realize this:
Me: Man, I’m exhausted! I’m going to get a good night’s sleep tonight.
Toddler: hold my sippy cup