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I like you, but I like peeing in swimming pools, so it’s not saying much.
Day new couch arrives: No more food or drinks on the couch, I’m serious!
1 week later: *Kids are eating pancakes directly off the cushions*
Friend: Don’t you love these new yoga pants? They come with a little pocket for your phone.
Me: Your phone? *quietly stuffs cookies back in pocket*
Welcome to adulthood. Every time you login now, it’s a game of “Will I get into my account the first time” or “Will I be spending the rest of my life sitting here resetting my password forever.”
I put so much brandy in my warm milk last night, I don’t even remember going to bed. It was like Milk of Amnesia.
The love I feel for my family is always constant. My tolerance is another matter.
Watching as gravity slowly unfriends you.
You (irrational, cowardly): Don’t panic, but there’s a small fire in the building
Me (stoic, level-headed, brave even): *picks you up and uses you as a battering ram for my hurried escape*
Me, December 2016: I’m going to buy this juicer and lose some weight in January
Me, January 2017: I have eaten the juicer
Nothing in a household is said more lovingly than, “Can you bring me some toilet paper?”
ME:John’s coming over for dinner.
WIFE:Work John or Been to Europe John?
JOHN:*from outside* This door reminds me of one I saw in England.
Just had an awful drive home. I was forced to ride side by side with another car for 5 minutes. We managed to avoid eye contact, but still.
If you upload these, I hope you enjoy hell.
Ladies: The “silent treatment” is not a punishment. Try the “sit next to him and cry and or frown excessively treatment” instead.
Sex at 20: yes baby rearrange my guts
Sex at 40: be careful my gut is still a little bloated from all those bread sticks
Marriage is wearing the same shirt for three days in a row and on the third day, your husband asking if you got a new shirt.
How come when our phones fall, we panic, but when our friends fall, we laugh.
If I had known I looked this sexy in glasses, I would’ve stopped being able to see a long time ago
Him: You smell nice, what is it?
Me: Chips and dip.
ISAAC NEWTON: *apple falls from tree and lands on the ground at his feet* i have just discovered gravity
ME: *apple falls from tree and lands on the ground at my feet* i have just discovered fruit by the foot
5yo: Curious George is not a monkey
Me: yes he is
5yo: no he isn’t, he doesn’t have a tail, he’s an ape
Me: he definitely has a— *googling pics of Curious George* omg
DUDE!
Why didn’t you make
better life choices?![Me to the cicada as it hits my car]
Him: I can’t wait to sit with you and watch the sunsets this summer.
Me: Oh that will never happen.
Him: Are you breaking up with me?
Me: No. It’s just the sun doesn’t set until like 9pm and that’s way past my bedtime.
Me: We shouldn’t give in to the commercialism of Christmas. In fact, we should celebrate it this year without giving each other gifts.
Husband: You missed the window for something to arrive by Christmas Eve, didn’t you?
Every time I get a paper cut, I know somewhere a tree is laughing.
Friend: Does Jesus live in you?
Me, Very Fat: I don’t know, he probably could though.
Wife: Our daughter lied to me.
Me: What did I tell you about telling the truth?
5-year-old: It’s only for people who don’t have lawyers.
Telling your child their sibling is still asleep a very effective way to get them to practice their instrument.
Dentists be like, we have the worst possible time available for you. How about that?
The woman who sits next to me at work just told someone she’s surrounded by idiots. I feel bad for her.