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When the Olympics finally introduces the event “Dropping your phone and very nearly catching it but not quite” then you’ll all see me shine.
Me, watching you order just one pizza and there’s four of us: I guess you’re an optimist
interviewer: why were you fired from your last job?
God: [sweating nervously] ok have you ever heard of humans
Me: Can you check my balance on this gift card?
Cashier: ok
Me: [ steps on card, lifts other foot without wavering ] Pretty good, right?
If you’re going to gift a child a craft kit then you also have to do the craft with them. It’s the law.
[simba and nala sit atop pride rock staring at a beautiful sunset]
simba: *pulls engagement ring from his hip pocket* circle of wife amirite!
nala:
simba:
nala: where’d you get a hip pocket?
“Bro check out that DILP.”
“Where? Wait what’s a DILP?”
“Dog I’d Like to Pet.”
Martin Shkreli can look forward to a 5,000% markup on cigarettes in his near future.
Friend: I’m poly.
Me, pulling out crackers: Well, you won’t believe what I have for you!
Piracy is killing the music industry. You just try playing the guitar with a hook and a patch over your eye.
Big thanks to everyone who bought us wedding china. I think about you every time we move.
Grandma: can you call out the bingo numbers?
Me: idk i’ve never done it B4
Gma: holy shit you’re a natural
Always answer a math question in a silly voice because if you’re wrong they’ll think you’re joking and if you’re right they’ll feel dumb.
seems like H&M is expecting a rush on Victorian funerals
Whenever someone knocks on the door of a bathroom I’m in, I like to yell back at them to come back with a warrant.
I found £20 laying on the ground and I asked myself, what would Jesus do? 🤔
So, I turned it into wine.
If you’ve already seen a couple of chickens break up a couple of rabbits fighting today then just keep on scrolling…
The Amazon algorithm? More like a buyological weapon, amirite?!
detectives are always like “what were u doing the night of april 5th” i literally couldn’t tell u what i was doing 6 hours ago bro just lock me up
My husband just started assembling a bookshelf so I guess we’re fighting now.
The best part of running at 5am is the irrational, adult fear of zombies to keep you going.
Never trust a fortune teller buying more than 1 lottery ticket.
Robber: Give me your valuables
Me: *hands him piece of paper*
Robber: What’s this?
Me: My Netflix password.
I think college costs are so high because at that point parents are willing to pay anything to get their kids out of the house.
What do we want?
“A CURE FOR PASSIVE AGGRESSION”When do we want it?
“Whatever, you decide. You’re the smart one.”
My job as a father is to purchase a broken old car, put it into my garage, and force my children to deal with it when I die.
[hiding my girlfriends Christmas present behind my back] remember how you said we were out of milk
[standing at urinal]
me: *shakes*
guy next to me: stop that
me: *shakes*
guy next to me: i said stop that
me: *shakes*
guy next to me: KNOCK IT OFF
me: *puts down tambourine*
So you heard that after I won several cuts from the butchers in a card game, I got back home to the farm to find out that one of my female sheep was questioning the existence of tropical cyclones, and you want to know if its true?
Well that’s four meat Uno, and ewe typhoon doubt.
ME (having a disagreement with a friend): I’d like to speak to your manager