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KID: can i eat a tide pod
MOM: no
KID: this is bullshit
MOM: don’t use foul language go wash your mouth out with soap this instant
Shout out to my neighbor who never emerges from his place except to take selfies with a sword
Me: *Holding a door and hiding behind it*
Murderer: *walks through the door*
Me *passive aggressive*: YOU’RE WELCOME
I’m beginning to suspect that my boyfriend is not really a ninja & that he moved out nine month ago.
Him: I bet she’s thinking about other guys
Me, deep in thought: I am personally offended that 7 tortilla chips is a serving size
looks like the dishwasher has a nice side hustle going
[first date]
her: do u like dogs or cats better
me: [reading menu] what page are u on
Right before I left the house my wife asked me if I filled out my organ donor information and now I’m hesitant to start the car.
I no longer need an alarm clock because I’m over 40 and have a bladder.
[fancy restaurant]
Me: do you have orange cat food?
Wife [whispers to waiter]: he means lasagna
when someone else makes a typo: lmao. you wanna eat lumch? look at this idiot. gonna eat a samdwich for lumch? lumch boy wants his lumch
when i make a typo: hello is this the witness protection program
My husband surprised my kid by picking him up early from school to take him to an amusement park and the kid was mad because he was in the middle of a math worksheet. 😂
It’s like 10,000 goons
When all you need
Is a knight
Oh look, it’s bad-decisions-o’clock
Someone claimed that their dog could retrieve a ball from up to a mile away, sounds a bit far fetched to me.
“Listen to your body.” Okay, my body wants to be fat and unemployed.
Did it hurt, when my ice cream outlasted yours?
‘If more than one mouse is mice,
then more than one Spouse is Spice.’
“The Sun is dying. We need help” the scientists are speechless. Cool Dad kicks in the door & removes his shades “It’s daylight savings time”
Sheriff *standing over another exsanguinated body* Got anything?
FBI Profiler: The unsub is a male, 600-900 years old; is originally from Europe; shuns religious idols; is sensitive to light and has a taste for human blood.
Dracula *listening*: Holy sheet, dees guy ees good.
My next door neighbour just accused me of stealing clothes from her washing line. I nearly shit her pants
i meant to text, “i’m a hopeless romantic”, but auto correct changed it to, “i’m a homeless romantic”, which confirms auto correct knows me better than i know myself
My 4yo: Let’s play a game!
Me: Is it you throw toys around the house and I pick them up?
4: No. Yes.
ME (a man who was paid to write 3 reviews 20 years ago): Well, you know, speaking as a writer…
My daughter just called it the “Heimlich Remover” and I’m choking with laughter.
Me: Boss our sales are really going updog.
Boss: You mean up?
Me: No, updog.
Boss: What’s updog?
Me: Not our sales. We’re bankrupt.
My mother’s kitchen floor is so clean you could eat off it. You could eat off mine too, there’s all kinds of stuff down there.
[Bomb will explode in 26 seconds]
*googles “how to defuse a bomb”*
*clicks top result*
*it’s a 17-page slideshow.*
GODDAMMIT
*an ad plays*
[first day at the cia]
supervisor: we need you to plant these bugs.
me: [nodding furiously] because that’s where they live.
if i got $5 every time i thought of u i would start thinking of u