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Hate it when I bring someone back to my place for the first time and all they want to talk about are the corpses.
boomer parents will be text “call me” with the same urgency of a family member in the hospital or a question about what that one dessert was called that they had with you at a restaurant at the shore 3 years ago
Took the road less travelled after buying the sat nav less expensive.
Me: So, what did you bring home from preschool today?!?
3yo: *sneezes*
“Oh, we’re going for a 2 minute car ride? Let me just gather all of my worldly possessions and get a little naked first. Oh, & hide your keys.”
-3 year olds.
my friend said she won’t hang out with me anymore because I described a pigeon we saw at the park as “thicc”
me teaching american history: so the president’s job is he guards the declaration of independence from nicolas cage.
Tempting fate by recklessly eating salsa in my tennis team shirt an hour before I need to leave for my son’s tournament.
A bodybuilding and pastry shop business called John Cena-bon
Looking for investors
“Not all guys wearing Flannel shirts are Lumberjacks.” *hits tree with axe* ” Take me for example. I just hate trees.”
Scene in Dirty Dancing where Patrick Swayze lifts her in the air, only I drop you because there is a line beginning to form at the buffet.
[whispering] don’t tell mom or dad but I killed a hiker and stashed the corpse in a hollow log. we can snack on it later
The ghost of the girl murdered in my apartment in the 1920s would scare me a lot more if she didn’t keep queuing up Paw Patrol on Netflix.
Dandelions are just like regular lions, except they wear ascots.
Is it still kidnapping if I packed a suitcase?
Bee hives are like nature’s free piñatas. Except when the candy comes out it chases you and causes anaphylactic shock.
I ordered a hamburger today, but what I got was more of a beef wafer.
The twin sisters that live next door to me, shower is broke so they’re using mine. So, you know what that means…
More hair in my drain.
My daughter said, “You’re the best mommy ever!”
I’m really proud that she’s learning sarcasm at such a young age.
Parenting is cool because:
-it’s the hardest thing you’ve ever done
-the stakes are the highest they’ve ever been
-no one can tell you how to do it
-you have to make a million choices every day
-there’s no way to ever know if any of them were correct
-socks just constantly vanish
Maggi is the girlfriend of the food world. It says 2 minutes but never gets ready in less than 20 minutes.
“Dad, what’s a coworker?”
“Someone you block on social media.”
The Lord of the Rings is my favorite movie about how he didn’t go to Jared®️
DOG BOSS: Any messages for me?
DOG ASSISTANT: just one from Mr. Agoodboy
DOG BOSS: who’s Agoodboy?
DOG ASSISTANT: *tail starts wagging*
Just discovered that my 5yo thinks the lyrics are “apple button jeans, boots with the brrr” and then he does a little shiver
[stepping out of time machine] shit I forget why I came to this year
Nike is coming out with a line
of Air Brady football shoes.They have a built in suspension feature.
You just have to let some air out.
Her: I don’t see color
Me: They make glasses for that now
My therapist told me to write letters to the people I hate & then burn them. I wonder what I should do with the letters.
I was just adoringly watching my dog sleep and he woke up and caught me and now he thinks I’m some stalker weirdo.