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[donut shop]
me: I’ll take a bear claw
*loud roar from the back*
me: never mind, I’ll take a glaze
My kids may not be the most polite or well behaved, but they’re also not the most helpful
My wife said she’d leave me if I didn’t stop using terrible similes, but like a horse scuba diving, I couldn’t stop.
If you wanna get on a diet replace the light in your fridge with an air horn .!!
Is it normal for a cat to get smarter? When Max was a kitten he was really dumb but now he reads at an 8th grade level
it’s called dunkin donuts because hole foods was taken
You can get poptarts but you can’t get momtarts because of the pastryarchy.
*first day as a detective*
Partner: Three sets of prints, but only one body
Me: *nods* Yes. That means there’s *counts on fingers* more people that aren’t dead
[ER Triage Room]
NURSE: So what brought you in tonight?
GUY WITH NAIL IN HEAD: My ‘98 Toyota Corolla, but I don’t see how that’s important right now
“dress for the job you want”
There’s a job you want???
Pelican trying to eat a capybara.. 😅
*notice roommate’s tampon wrappers in bathroom garbage*
*hides all my chocolate*
Flight attendant: Attention everyone. Kenny G is on board he’s agreed to play …
Me: *jumps out of airplane*
Sent him a pic and he replied “BOOM!!” Trying to figure out if that means he liked it or he threw himself on a grenade.
Me: Please, call me John. No need to be all fancy with titles and last names.
Drill sergeant: …
[reverse psychology]
me: tell me about your childhood
therapist: *crying* where do I begin?
*dancing with the stars*
*all of a sudden there’s a fault in our stars*
me(to stars): what the hell guys? we practiced this!
*star wars*
me: i think i got rabies from a bat in our tree.
my wife: why were you near a bat?
me: i cannot make friends with a bat through email, carol. they do not have computers.
my wife: my name is cheryl.
me: {dies from rabies}
“Mrs. Doubtfire” is my favorite movie about a messy custody battle that gives way to horribly illegal and creepy transgendered stalking.
Twitter can teach you a lot of lessons. Grammar is not one of them.
It’s his time
I would pay extra for a grocery store app that alerts me to the checkout line filled with people who apparently have never gone through a grocery store checkout line before in their life.
Make people question sincerity by adding quotations to your cards:
“Thank You”
Get well “soon”
“Congratulations” on the “baby”
wife *comes running out of the bedroom* Kill it! Kill it!
me *runs in*
wife: Did you get it!?
me [has no idea wtf she’s talking about] Yep
Why is vanilla a synonym for boring? Vanilla is delicious. Imagine a world without vanilla. It would be so oregano.
COWORKER: Hi, this is embarrassing. *whispers* can I borrow a tampon?
ME: Sure, just leave it on my desk when you’re done.
S O O N
*waits for someone to have sex with me so I can use the ‘sex with me is like’ joke format*
Doggo’s polite and subtle implication that he is interested in going for a walk