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[2am]
wife: where in the hell have you been
me: well the boys and i were at the club-
my sound effects guy: *rap air horns*
me: leonard my god no not right now
I’m a total go with the flow kinda person as long as the flow is meticulously scheduled well in advance and there are no mid-flow changes whatsoever
If you don’t fake zombie chew on their heads while you hug your kids once in a while, you’re doing it wrong.
Dogdamnit, autocarrot.
The government even made aliens boring
@mariana057 If an Apple Store is in disrepair, is it an iSore?
Me: Coke please
Waiter: Is heroin okay?
It’s never too late to accomplish things you never thought you could. I’m 46 years old and just set a personal record for vertical leap when I saw my own reflection in the mirror and jumped like a cat
Why’s it called aioli and not gourmayonnaise?
Made it five weeks at my new job before anyone saw my underwear
Why do customers threaten you with “I’m not coming back here” alright Gertrude see if I care? If anything ur doing me a favour luv x
[Sherwood Forest]
LITTLE JOHN: Go through it one more time for me
ROBIN HOOD: Ok…we rob from the rich…
LITTLE JOHN: Right
ROBIN HOOD: …and we give to the poor
LITTLE JOHN: And then we rob them
ROBIN HOOD: What? No! Why would we do that?
LITTLE JOHN: Cause now they rich.
driving down the highway in my monster truck, crushing hundreds of cars but avoiding ones that have “baby on board” decals, because I’m a good person
All the smart people at the office are worried about being replaced by A.I., but not me. I’m safe until they invent Artificial Stupidity.
(after spending 15 minutes ripping a video off instagram and reposting it to twitter) who did this 😂😂😂😂😂
My wife often wishes she could use a remote to mute me but the joke would be on her. I’m even more annoying in closed captions.
Daenerys Targaryen is basically one of those people that thinks they’re a parent because they have a dog.
I am going to miss shaking hands after sex.
Airport: come like 3 hours early
Ok what gate do I go to
Airport: not telling until last minute 🤫
An eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth. But a tooth is worth half an eye, so an eye for two teeth also works, if you’re out of eyes.
A lot of you are calling me “mom” lately. Is it cause I’m old? Or cause you respect me? I hope for your sake it’s cause I’m old.
Apparently hospitals are not the best place to start unplugging things so you can charge your iPhone.
Why doesn’t every mistake in real life I make have a squiggly red line underneath it?
I’m walking around the hotel this morning with a briefcase handcuffed to my wrist.
It’s a great way to meet chicks.
The rebound person you start flirting with post breakup really gets annoying real fast and that’s unfortunate for them
The fact that there’s gonna be a Joker 2 just means Batman isn’t doing his god damn job
*Does one sit-up. Whispers to self.
“That’ll do pig. That’ll do.”
A Match(.com), but for socks.
We need to overthrow that Tyrannosaurus Rex and democratically elect a Presidentosaurus Rex
My wife said we would save money on Halloween candy if we bought it at Aldi so I guess we’re handing out Twicks, Skattles, and 4 Musketeers.