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I would have finished law school earlier if I didn’t giggle every time someone said “penal”
ME: Hi mirror
BEDROOM MIRROR: Hello you flawless hunk
ME: Hi mirror
BATHROOM MIRROR: well if it isn’t the hideous troll of Blemishville
they’re doing a new version of hot ones. it’s called “savory ones”. as the interview goes on the guest is forced to eat increasingly sumptuous food items. “oh my this is just delectable” they will say at the end, sweating and crying.
bouncer: I’m going to have to ask you to leave
me: why
bouncer: I have no idea who you are and this is my trampoline
I had a dream I was making out with someone with really bad breath.
Judging by the look on my dog’s face, I’d say we had the same dream.
Cookie dough and vodka are not dinner.
Coocie dogh and vodka are nt diner.
Cokie dgh and vodkka arnt dinr.
Ckidgvkljtdcbr.
Subway Guy: Enjoy your sandwich
Me: You too!
Subway Guy:
Me:
Me: *gives him my sandwich* this is yours now
Money’s missing from under my pillow, I think I’ve been visited by the teef fairy.
the moral of the Phantom of the Opera is that sometimes there’s this weird guy who is impossible to deal with
What is going on here?
Is Rudolph using a magnifying glass to turn his nose into a raygun?
And who is the reindeer brandishing the cane?
Woke up this morning with a pillow over my face, hearing someone muttering “…it would be so easy…”
My daughter: Can we stop for ice cream, and then not get any for John?
Me: Stop being awful to your brother. Someday you might need a kidney.
Her: Mom, you know how much water I drink. I will never need that.
[during sex]
HER: can you turn off the light
ME: I thought you liked my mining helmet
I don’t do escape rooms. If I wanted to feel trapped and confused for an hour, I’d ask my husband to explain how Bitcoin works.
{4 way stop}
Aliens: *radioing home base* We really need to give up on this planet
I’ve decided today I’m following the lead of my 2 yr old and I’m just gonna close my eyes so no one can see me.
All I wanna do is
*BANG BANG BANG*
And *cash register noise*
And eat some hummus
if doctors are real how come I haven’t seen one in 29 years
If your doctor has to google something right in front of you, you’re probably going to die.
Called myself to see if I’d answer, sent me to voicemail. Twice.
Sometimes, when I’m on a date with my wife of sixteen years, I break awkward silences by saying first date things like “so, I’ve never dated a mom before”
So I just moved into my new apartment.
Directly below me is a police station.
It would appear that I am above the law.
Friend: *sets up chess board*
Me: Oh yeah? Two can play at that game *sets up another chess board*
People: “You look so unapproachable”
Me: “And yet,here you are”
Being a baby must be scary, imagine sleeping at home & you wake up at TJMAXX
SCIENTIST: I want you to meet my robot
ME: Wow
SCIENTIST: He has limited functionality. He can’t hold a conversation or express emotion
ME: Ok
SCIENTIST: I was talking to the robot
At Walmart this lady was trying to reach the top shelf by stepping on a lower shelf, she knocked over a jar and salsa was all over the place, she says can you help me? So I handed her a bag of Fritos from the top shelf.
Seriously, ladies. If you just stop sleeping with douchebags eventually their species will go extinct. Look at the big picture here.
Date: “So, what do you want to be?”
Me: “Impressed.”