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Everybody at this Home Depot is getting hurricane supplies except this one woman is buying the 12 foot skeleton
Wife: You’re so predictable
Me: Yeah? I bet u didn’t see this coming
*I go to throw water on her but shes already wearing a poncho*
Me: Damn
If you want to know what a girl will look like in 30 years, stop talking to her and show up to her house in 30 years to check on her.
[gets on Facebook]
[types “you pushed me away but expected me to stay”]
[everyone nods, this is considered extremely good shit on there]
A couple in Halifax got married during hurricane Fiona. The bouquet toss lasted a few hours but eventually someone caught it in Moncton.
All this forehead and I can’t remember what I went into the kitchen for.
I have snuck past my husband’s work video meetings enough times to know I would make a terrible ninja.
HR: you list 911 as your emergency contact
me: i hear they’re the best
[sees kid crying in grocery store]
hey little guy
[kneels down to his level]
Can you please move you’re blocking the Cinnamon Toast Crunch?
My wife says I’ve placed unreasonable expectations on our kids, but I think Superman and Wolverine will turn out just fine.
“Oh shit that sounded important,” I exclaim as I vacuum and don’t stop to investigate but keep on vacuuming.
Do you have little ones who are nervous about flying? This is a great bedtime read before you go.
[Checking in at Comic Con]
Attendant: How long did you spend on your cosplay?
Me: Seven months
A: *Hands me a badge marked “Casual”*
Boss: I don’t want to be disturbed today.
Me: I don’t want to be disturbed either yet here we are.
In a few years, when the kids leave home, the wife & I are planning to downsize to a smaller house. She’s told me I’ll need to significantly reduce my vinyl collection – so I’ve started buying up cheap records I don’t want so I can “sacrifice” them when the time comes.
My cell phone fell in the pool…now I know what it feels like to have someone you love drown.
There are a million designers working on making website buttons have better gradients and none working on the cord that changes how fast your ceiling fan is going. Literally no one knows what speed their fan is on or what will happen if they pull the cord again
How to change a baby:
1. Swap it out with a Labrador pup when no one’s looking
Probably not a coincidence that Janice from Facebook posted her green bean casserole recipe and Facebook lost $150 billion in market value.
When someone says “I expected more of you”, I’m always like “well who’s fault is that?”
Statistics show that the average person has sex 89 times a year….looks like I’m in for a flipping wild December
It’s so foggy out right now that I feel like I should be telling someone about an ancient prophecy
ME: *does entire national anthem with armpit farts*
WIFE: see what I mean?
THERAPIST: Mmmhmm *writes in notes: “she’s nuts. This guy rules*
7: We should probably sell our pets before they get old and die.
I guess I know which of my kids is NOT getting power of attorney.
I’m perfectly fine with kissing frogs to find a prince…But I draw the line at kissing snakes.
PETER PIPER: honey i picked another peck of pickled peppers
WIFE: [motioning to pantry already full of peppers] peter literally what the fu
I have a bad habit of starting things and never finishing them.
Let’s all be thankful I’m not a surgeon.
I call my wife the iNag because she has 32GB of complaints and they’re set on shuffle.
fun fact: nike is short for nichael
Was everyone before this just…not washing their hands?