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I put half an avocado in a sealed container in the fridge and it’s still good a week later.
Guys, I may have cracked the avocode-o.
I went to bed last night and my brother came out of the closet and scared the shit out of me, I forgot we were playing hide and seek…
The sexiest fantasy in 50 Shades Of Grey is the bit where she gets a job in journalism without having to do years of unpaid work experience.
I hate it when I wear my favourite red cape and don’t get eaten by a wolf.
It’s ironic that my sitcom about Abraham Lincoln was shot in front of a live audience.
when someone rings the doorbell
Dating as an adult is hard because even when you do meet somebody you like there are very few opportunities to engineer a situation so that you’re cast opposite one another in a school play.
The climate is probably out here trying to change for some man. Just be yourself, girl.
Some people were born into their job.
Welcome to night club. I know it’s dark, but that’s kinda the poi–
*metal screeching*
Dammit Steve! I told you knight club is downstairs!
I don’t mind being fully naked or my top half being naked, but I hate being naked from the waist down only. This is why I could never be a cartoon duck
Did you ever have your parents hand you some cash, drop you off at the fair, and tell you they’ll pick you up in 8 hours? Work is the opposite of that.
They must have gotten it to go.
She has the grace of a puncture wound and the charm of a tetanus shot.
Did you guys ever prank your passed out friend by putting his hand in a bowl of warm water and then dropping a tiny toaster in it?
“No. Delete it.” -Mona Lisa
Commits all the murders so I can be most wanted by somebody.
Kinda weird that you can’t tickle yourself, but masturbation works.
My daughter has written a homage to the chicken kebab. I am delighted. I wonder how my vegetarian husband feels about this..
Disappointed it’s raining this weekend
Was totally going to do that job I’ve been putting off for 6 months
Are you eating Jell-O?
Cow: “Yeah.”
You know what gelatin is made from, right?
Cow: “No, what?”
Uh. Rainbows. Enjoy, buddy.
TV WRITER (MALE): How do we make the girl character hot hot cool make me hard?
OTHER WRITER (MALE): Make her know the names of all da carzzz!!
TVW: Should we give her other personality traits?
OTVW: No definitely not!
TVW: Should she BE a car?
OTVW: Whoa. Yes.
ah yes the two sexualities, queer and italian
those guys holding fish in their dating profile pictures are just demonstrating how they’ll carry you over the threshold after marriage.
Let’s tell the truth cell phone. I don’t have six missed calls. I have six ignored calls.
*puts on strapless bra
*takes an extra Prozac
“a perfectly placed emoji is better than good punctuation.. ”
said No Teacher ever
At my age, a trail of clothes leading to the bedroom, means I dropped them on the way from the dryer.