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“I’m excited for the continental breakfast”
*sees a buffet just full of ice cubes*
“What the…”
Sign: Today’s Continent is Antartica
psa: don’t ruin the thanksgiving meal by bringing up politics. ruin the meal by telling your family you don’t know half of them half as well as you should like and like less than half of them half as well as they deserve then vanishing while they try to figure out what you meant
Therapist: You need to stop doing weird things, going out might help
Me: I went to the park today
Therapist: There you go! I hope you got something from that
Me *opens coat* this duck
You aren’t supposed to strip during Zumba. Apparently.
Woo! Let’s get this weekend started!
*Starts doing laundry*
“I can try” is a great response to invitations because you’re not even committing to trying.
In England “booster shot” is spelled “borchestershire shot”.
“Sir… your family is dead. APRIL FOOLS!!!! Kidding!!! Your son made it! He’s in a coma! OMG You shoulda seen your face!”
– Worst ER doc
A normal part of my neuro exam is testing grip strength: I put 2 fingers into a stranger’s fists & ask them to squeeze as hard as they can.
I’ve done this for years. All sorts of people: bodybuilders, athletes, cops, criminals
Recently I did this with a farmer.
ADVICE: DON’T
Thank goodness I’m loud and obnoxious all the time, so my family can’t blame it on the alcohol.
Me, to my cousin Chad: You might wanna sit down.
Give yourself something to look forward to tomorrow: Text a friend, “I think you owe me an apology,” then turn off your phone and go to bed
Boss: you need to take a drug test
Me: not if you want me to do this job
My husband complained that I never do a Sunday roast so I’ve spent the last hour writing jokes about his bald spot, his skinny legs and the fact that he can’t grow a beard.
Don’t drink water and stay hydrated it’s a hoax
Terminator vs Alien vs Predator vs Robocop vs a toddler who hasn’t had a nap.
The worst part about insomnia is having to eat spiders while conscious
My quest began, passing through the forest of enlightenment, ascending the mount of discovery, galloping over the fields of ruin, and I reached the sacred place. Why is the taco bell toilet so far from the serving area anyway
My daughter has so many outfit changes I shoulda named her Lady Gaga.
Step 1: Go for a meal with your friends
Step 2: All place your phones on the table
Step 3: Whoever looks at their phone first pays
Step 4: Shout “SIRI CALL MOM”
Step 5: Never pay for food again
Him: SHE SAID YES!!
Me, handing him fries: you really don’t need to scream that for every customer who supersizes their order, Jeffrey.
for dessert we’re having a discussion about why my girlfriend didn’t laugh at a joke i made 3 years ago
When somebody asks for directions I just say “follow your heart” and drive away.
The inside of my closet looks like a doctor prescribed me cardigans
My son lying to his little sister so she isn’t sad about a movie ending reminds me this year has brought them so much closer together and also kids will lie about anything
Never let them know your next move 😂
OK. So you’re REALLY good at interfering.
What do you want, a meddle?
If you encounter a bear in the woods, stand perfectly still and try to look like kale.
Me: What’s for dinner?
Wife: I’m making a quinoa and kale-
Me: [already at McDonald’s]