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Genie: “You have 3 wishes.”
Ian: “I wish for everyone to be equal.”
Genie: “Okay. You have no wishes.”
If you start out by saying “not to sound creepy,” you’ll get my full attention.
Therapist: You need to stop doing weird things, going out might help
Me: I went to the park today
Therapist: There you go! I hope you got something from that
Me *opens coat* this duck
I moisturize religiously because one of my grandmas has aged beautifully but one looks like emperor palpatine
Them: oh I was just talking about you!
Me, jokingly: nothing bad I hope? Ha ha
Them:
Me: oh
I like to use the Ouija board to pester my dead husbands.
I feel bad for photons that travel 93 million miles from the sun and then have to bounce off your stupid face.
Girls are a lot like oceans,
beautiful
and deep
but once a month
it’s shark week.
WIFE: please come out of there so we can talk
ME: [from cardboard box] i’m sorry come out of where?
WIFE: [sigh] please exit the spacecraft
‘Too much’, ‘not enough’. or ‘just right’? 😂
I’m wondering how far I can go with this guy on Hinge who seemingly has no idea we went on multiple dates last year. The sex definitely won’t ring any bells but meeting my brother again might.
Kinda sucks that I actually own a skeleton but don’t get to show anyone until I die.
I just won $8 on a scratch ticket. Lock up your girlfriends, I got that double cheeseburger money
[1994]
*rewinds tape with a pencil*[2016]
*gets angry when I accidentally close the music app*
If I took every USB cable I’ve ever owned and strung them end-to-end, I’d have a cable 34 miles long that I still couldn’t find when I needed it.
Groceries be like
$5.47
$.89
$4.99
$6.99
$1.25
$1.25TOTAL: $76.42
Him: Everything happens for a reason
Me: Tomorrow is yesterday’s bosom
Him: What
Me: Oh, I thought we were doing a thing where we both say dumb shit
[séance]
Medium: I feel a male presence coming through
Me: I want to get in touch with my late husband
Medium: His name is Tim?
Me: No, Luke. May I use your phone? He was supposed to be here 20 minutes ago
doctor: push through the pain, I can see the head, you can do it!
me: [struggling to pull on my turtleneck sweater] I can taste air
Your Game of Thrones name is your biggest fear spelled backwards plus the profession your guidance counselor suggested. Mine is Snwolc Clown
Pro tip: If you eat your sandwich in line you don’t have to pay for it.
Million dollar idea: an alarm clock that plays Nickelback if you hit snooze.
[Commercial for commercials]
ever wish it took an hour to watch a 40-minute show?
My daughter has decided instead of drying off with bath towels, she prefers sheets, and I love her and promised to never stamp out her individuality, but no.
Before coffee: Annoyed by everything.
After coffee: Annoyed by everything but with the energy to complain about it.
I don’t remember my driver’s ed teacher saying anything about merging while a child is playing a recorder in the back seat.
To air is humane, to forgave, divide.
Typo quota for the day.
Sign in the elevator: Please keep 6-foot distance.
Width of elevator: 5 feet.
Sorry, I can’t make it. Can’t find my “goin out” sweatpants.