You Might Also Like
By the time you finish reading this tweet, you will be slightly closer to death than you were before.
I hope it was worth it.
My teacher told me not to worry about spelling because in the future there will be autocorrect and for that I am eternally grapefruit.
scientist: the production of cereals l is destroying the seas. Soon there will be no seas left
aptain runch: why do I always get blamed?
sientist: ause it’s your fault
Boss: Can I see you in my office?
Me *trying to suppress laugh as I put on my camo jacket* you can try
[The Gorge in the Pride lands]
Water buffalo 1: *tramples over Mufasa* Didn’t we go to that guy’s baby shower?
Water buffalo 2: *shrugs*
[At bar]
BARTENDER: I dont think she wants to talk man
ME: [dabbing on pickle juice as cologne] I think I know what the ladies want pal
DATE: My last boyfriend was such trash.
ME: *3 raccoons in a trench coat but trying to play it cool* I would not have liked that.
subtitles are so good nowadays
teacher: how long ago did the dinosaurs go extinct?
me: *extreme staind voice* it’s been awhile–
You cause one minor incident at a museum and everyone is “Irreplaceable Egyptian mummy” this and “Could have used regular toilet paper” that
Yeah I’m married, but get one thing straight, I do WHAT I want, WHEN I wanfdsskk THIS IS SHAUN’S WIFE, HE HAS TO GO NOW, HE SAYS GOODNIGHT.
Me: one man’s trash is another man’s treasure
Garbage truck driver: are you seriously doing an Italian job on a garbage truck?
Where my American History knowledge comes from:
25% school
25% internet
50% Forrest Gump
Me: *wakes up from nap, dazed* How long was I asleep?
Husband: Shh. Shh. It’s still 2020. Go back to sleep.
Badminton implies the existence of Goodminton and Alrightminton.
Take your husband’s last name. Take his first name. Take his social. Assume his identity. Hide the body in a closet. You’re the husband now.
I’m not sure how much longer I can live in the city. The seagulls, the flies, the rats. They’re all so expensive here.
Them: lastly what’s up with this gap in your résumé?
Me: ah that was the year we got fitted sheets and I…
Them: …yup, say no more.
By the end of shelter at home, my house will be spotless. Oh sure, I’ll be drunk and confused, but so will the germs.
Giraffes only sleep 2 hours a day.
If reincarnation is real, fingers crossed that I don’t come back as a giraffe.
Homeless people are so lucky. They don’t have to pay rent and can eat as many pigeons as they want.
When the priest reads my eulogy, I want the first line to be “Personally, I never liked this asshole”.
I wonder if pigs ever laugh so hard they say words.
You never say “I love you” back
Tater tots:
[wedding]
“Anyone know why these two should not be joined in marriage?”
ME: *from back* THEY’RE DOING A CASH BAR
*priest drops bible*
My “get up and go” got up and left years ago.
ME: Make every guy afraid of me.
GENIE: As you wish.
ME: (a tampon): son of a
PHIL COLLINS: Here tonight is the man who inspired my next song, “Fat Shithead Clogged My Toilet.”
[spotlight tracks me as I head for Exit]