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It’s 11:48 PM. You can’t sleep. Underneath your bed, there’s a creepy rustle, as the clown tries to quietly unwrap and eat a granola bar.
Sometimes I forget that people can see me tiptoe away mid-conversation.
Birds are dinosaurs? No. I want dinosaurs here or I want them completely gone. I don’t need a bullshit imitation dinosaur to shit on my car.
we’re a divided nation, conflicting on class, ideology, creed, and yet there is one thing we can come all together on, no matter what: younger brothers play Luigi
I dream of writing a fat woman’s cookbook. I’ll call it, “50 Shades of Gravy.”
Gave myself a steam facial* today
*opened a bag of freshly popped popcorn too close to my face
When I was a kid, I had this game called ‘Worm Church,’ where I’d bring Worms to my room and read them the Bible.
[on the phone]
HER: are you chillin?
ME: oh im chillin. im chillin like a—[cop walks by & i start sweating]—like a law-abiding citizen
me: *gets vaccinated*
friend: now u can come to my wedd-
me: *gets unvaccinated*
I’m quitting my job to pursue my dream of quitting my job.
my house isn’t haunted i just have kids. shit goes missing at random. doors are left open. faucets left running. and don’t get me started on the screams.
Men statistically have larger brains than women, which is why men are usually smarter and elephants rule us all from their laser-hovercraft
coworker: you should try my therapist.
me: i’ve seen their work. no thanks.
Her: Umm…Where are you going?
Me: Walking the dog.
Her: When you get back, we need to talk.
* walks dog…returns 3 days later
Coworker: Do u have a phone charger?
Me: No.
CW: How about the 1 on your desk?
Me: WHO ARE U CALLING A JIGGABOO LINDA?!
CW: OMG! *runs away*
Time traveling but it’s just me aging 5 years per every month of my kids life.
I have a rare muscle disease that causes my hands to write racist things that I don’t remember later. The Doctor is calling it Ron Palsy
INTERVIEWER: It says here you can’t read
ME: thanks what else does it say
The first rule of Suspense Club is͏
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[God making spaghetti]
ANGEL: Did you accidentally drop a lasagna in the paper shredder?
GOD: [taking bong rip] Bold of you to assume it was an accident.
“Dumb as a bag of hammers” is kind of a stupid comparison because it’s actually quite a clever way to carry several hammers at once.
Crazy how my 3-year-old can expertly maneuver the Android operating system but can’t put on a flip flop.
[date gets back from the bathroom]
those batman toys in the tub are so cute! How old are your kids?
“kids?”
Just found a tiny box full of kids teeth hidden under my sink…dear god I hope these are from my children
Coworker said ‘nice pink shirt, when did you come out?’ I said ‘IT’S NOT PINK IT’S SALMON!’. Then I snapped my fingers and skipped away.
What idiot called it removing a curse and not a hexagon?
I remember when it was just limbo dancers asking “how low can you go?”, now it seems like everyone in the news wants to answer that.
Parenting means begging your kids to leave you alone for 5 minutes only to freak out when it’s been 10 minutes and realizing that you don’t know where they are.
I call loading the dishwasher “quantum physics” because no one else in this house knows how to do that either.
Was at the park with the baby, and another parent pointed to a kid doing cartwheels and said, “Remember when we could do that at that age?”
Lady, I was icing my knees after recess when I was 7.