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[6 AM]
Child: [crying]
Me: WHAT’S WRONG?
Child: My stomach hurts so badly.
Me: Okay you can stay home.[morning bus drives by]
Child: What’s for breakfast?
Seriously, if I were a manager at Burger King, my answer to every complaint would be, “You’re at Burger King.”
After 2 weeks of multiple health screens and asking everyone to quarantine, I surprised my closest inner circle with a trip to a private island where we could hunt people for sport.
100% per cent of survey respondents said: help us get out of this tall tree. we didn’t know this survey involved being stuck in a tree
opening a deli called “Work” a steakhouse caled “The Gym” adn a fried chicken place caled “A Funeral” for ppl who like to eat & need excuses
Carpenters are only in it for them shelves.
I had a jacket stolen from me tonight. My enemies will stop at nothing to keep me from maintaining a comfortable body temperature in style
Child: Hey can I go outsi-
Me: YES PLEASE
{4 way stop}
Aliens: *radioing home base* We really need to give up on this planet
My dancing style could best be described as “Frantically trying to pet the ghosts of animals only I can see.”
My kids trying to pick up the name brand hamburger buns like they think we are millionaires or something
The people who thought I could never pull off wearing a beret owe me an apology.
ELEMENTARY SCHOOL TEACHER: I don’t know, CAN you?
BILLY: *Sigh* MAY I sacrifice a goat to the great demon Belphegor?
TEACHER: Maybe after crafts.
The loudest sound on Earth is my child asking an inappropriate question about another customer at the grocery store.
bro what is going on at twitter
people with the flu: *stay in bed*
people with corona:
So apparently going to the medicine store’s manager with a pack of condoms asking them where the changing rooms are will get you banned from the medicine store.
My boss encouraged us to think about why we come to work every day.
I don’t think “I need money to live” was the answer she was looking for.
[first date]
“So… you didn’t mention that you’re trapped in 230 million year old amber.”
[my motionless eyes glint within my golden shell]
[job interview]
Him: Do you use drugs or alcohol?
Me: No.
Him: What’s your salary requirement?
Me: To be able to afford drugs & alcohol.
I’m a cat person. I sleep all day and spend the rest of the time trying to convince my wife I haven’t eaten yet.
My friend never knew the difference between ‘infer’ and ‘imply’ which was never an issue until he opened a club called Disco Implyno
I bought new running shoes. They look really good while I sit outside and smoke
These people act like they’ve never seen anyone wearing a Speedo in a laundromat before.
Statistics show that the average person has sex 89 times a year….looks like I’m in for a flipping wild December
Me: My flight was canceled so I won’t be home until tomorrow.
Her: but you said you were just going out for milk.
[revenge plan]
*invent miniaturisation machine.
*shrink to tiny size.
*crawl all over sleeping spider’s face.
Dentist: Don’t eat or drink for…
Me: *already eating a snack before she finishes her sentence*