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GPS: turn left onto High Street
Husband: no thanks, I know a longer way.
[pet shop]
Me: Excuse me, do you work here?
Hamster: No, I do not.
[frisky in the bedroom]
Me: yeah, hurt me 😏
Her: Parks & Rec is better than The Office!
water baby: when i grow up, i wanna be the ocean
water dad: with your grades, you’ll be lucky if you end up as dasani
When a couple I’m friends with splits up, I always choose sides with the one who won’t ask to sleep on my couch.
Son: What is wrong with those people?
Me: Stop staring. They’re indigenous to Wal-Mart. We are the outsiders here.
Me: Can you remember life before Amazon?
Husband: Yes. We had more money.
Them: did I tell you about [such & such] ?
Me: Yes
(No they had not)
My ancestors didn’t walk out of the jungle, cross continents, interbreed with at least two other types of hominids, survive wars and plagues and cross an ocean for me to have to eat an untoasted bagel.
People have ruined this planet and now they’re just like “Tag, you’re it!” to Mars.
[at punchbowl]
Me: You go ahead.
Lady: No, I insist.
Me: Together, then?
*we both pour vodka from our purses in*
Moms are dying for the day they build a daycare inside a spa inside a Xanax factory inside a vineyard.
“To hell with it, thats good enough.” – every person after theyve ever tried to iron a shirt. Ever.
Husband: *noticing my front clasp bra* Nice, did you buy that for me?
Me: *thinking how my shoulder no longer lets me reach my hand behind my back* Yeah, babe. You like it?
STUNTMAN ON TV: don’t try this at home
ME [sitting on couch eating out of a 5 lb. bag of m&ms]: ok
BATMAN: I have invested billions in the most state-of-the-art technology to combat crime in this city
GOTHAM: Great! How can we reach you?
BATMAN: Pray for clouds and point this lamp at the sky while I’m beneath the earth in a cave please
@isabelzawtun @UncleDuke1969 I had a customer tell me that wanted 50% off an item because of a sign. The sign clearly stated which product was 50% off, which I pointed out. Her response was “what If I couldn’t read?”
I literally had to just walk away.
My youngest is being tested for the gifted program at his elementary school and my other son thinks his toothbrush is haunted.
My 4yo is in complete shock after she found out her uncle is my brother.
Me, first week of school: I packed you a healthy lunch.
Me, one month later: They’re serving mini-corn dogs & pudding, you want school lunch today?
Lisa never talks about her younger brother, Lava Lampanelli.
God: you’re a capybara.
Capybara: yay!
God: you’re the largest rodent.
Capybara: double yay!
God: also you live in South America.
Capybara: so cool!
God: wow you’re in a great mood!
Capybara: just living my personal motto!
God: which is?
Capybara: don’t worry be Capy : )
Didn’t think my children listened at all but my 3yo shouted from the back seat, “these people don’t know how to drive!” so now I know he listens to his Dad.
Nothing says “thought of you, and masturbated” like ‘liking’ a girl’s Facebook photo from 2009.
Indoor weekend with a toddler whose sleep schedule is backsliding.
A new study found the safest city to travel to is Tokyo, Japan. Unless, of course, you’re a dolphin.
It’s unfortunate that our feet can’t taste things because there’s so much potential in flavored socks and crocs.
My mom on the phone: “Hi hon, how’s your libido?”
Vertigo. She meant my vertigo.
My brother just sent me his Christmas wishlist, there’s a ham on it, only a ham.