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Having children teaches you patience, humility, love and to never, ever, be surprised when you find a Barbie doll leg clogging the toilet.
I’m very jealous of people who can take selfies with their dogs. My dog is like OH BOY WE ARE SITTING TOGETHER I LOVE YOU LICK FACE FOREVER
I spotted a subtweet and also spotted a squirrel with a juice box…
I’ll let you guess which one had a greater impact on my life.
My fortune cookie reads “I peed in your fried rice” and it’s hand written…
My whole life just flashed before my eyes and there was way too much cauliflower.
Mechanic: You’re ready to roll.
Me: I think I’d rather drive.
To the guy that stole my anti-depressants, I hope you’re happy now
In six days god created heaven and earth. On the seventh day he checked the comments and replies, and got the idea for hell.
Sound smarter than you are: end words with “eaux” and sentences with “if you will.” If you’re pissed, “quite frankly” adds a nice touch.
GF: I’m sick of you pretending you’re a detective. We should split up
ME: Good idea. We can cover more ground that way.
The biggest threat to mankind is aliens somehow receiving transmissions of Xbox Live conversations and deciding to just blow up the planet.
Pigeon open mic night.
A manager I worked with when I worked in fast food told us.
There was this one kid who didn’t show up for work. He ditched work often, so the manager called around, and couldn’t get anyone to fill in his shift, so she had to fill it for him.
A few hours into his shift, the dude ditching SHOWS UP, with his friends, and orders food from that manager. She fired him on the spot
I nearly broke my toe because the coffee table didn’t look where it was going.
I don’t understand people who punch walls. “I’m so mad, I want to spend all day tomorrow plastering over the hole I’m about to make.”
CW: Aimee, could I get your signature on this agreement?
Me: *pauses*
(with Cheeto stained lips)
*kisses paper*
CW:
Me: That’s my signature.
ME:[defending myself] Oh yeah?? Well I got 5 words for you buddy: please be nice to me
*looks up from phone*
Great, I’m inside of a coffin again.
Her: The problem with men is they only ever want one thing!
Me *nodding wistfully* a sequel to Ratatouille
Whenever I’m feeling stressed I like to take a deep breath & think about every mistake I have ever made.
My dog when she hears popcorn popping
My mom texting me from an anime convention
Sorry for laughing and pointing when you fell. I just thought clapping would be rude.
Ugh, I drank all this tea to help me sleep, but I just keep going to the bathroom… *checks label* oh no! Celestial Seasonings Peepeetime Tea?!
I love sipping margaritas by the pool. Or, as my neighbor with a pool calls it, “Trespassing.”
Feeling generous. I’m giving all my dead batteries away…
… free of charge.
You don’t know what real fear is, until you’ve been cornered by a Mariachi band playing a rendition of Hotel California.
My brother called to tell me specifically that his Zoom party really took off after he told everyone the story of the one time I took a chance & overcame my shyness & went to buy a guy at a club a drink at but it turned out the guy was a mannequin & part of the décor.
Kids: We’re hungry!
Me: You’re in luck. I have just the thing.
The thing:
