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You’d think Bowser would start locking the front door of his castle after the first time Mario just walked right in like he owned the joint.
If it makes any grown women out there feel better, I measured the pockets in my 5 yo’s pants and he can’t fit a phone or wallet in his, either
Eighty five percent of being a gardener is throwing snails from your seedlings over the neighbour’s fence.
How many times is too many times to say ” oh boy ” during sex?
[Christmas]
6:30—kids are excited
7:30—kids are playing
8:00—kids are fighting
9:00—kids are crying
9:15—wife is yelling
9:30—I am drinking
I spend 90% of my life trying to do the right thing and the other half wondering why I don’t understand Math.
cross bred an apple with a garlic to create a gapple. the only thing that will defend me from the horrid Dr Dracula
you can tell it’s bedtime when the kids start blaming each other for it being bedtime, as if each brother magically and maliciously made time pass more quickly for the other
Part of being a woman means you can break your leg or be having a cardiac arrest & a nurse will still ask when your last period was.
Nephew: Your Christmas hat is ugly. But that’s okay…
Me: Why is it okay that it’s ugly?
Nephew: It matches your face!
Me: 😳😳
If Princess Peach fixed shoes for a living she’s be Princess Peach Cobbler lol thanks for following
“Mommy, mommy, mommy, mom, mom, mommy, mom, mommy!”
-Mormon kids
The difference between your husband and your Netflix account is, over time, your Netflix account learns what you like.
Yogi’s cousin Yoga Bear teaches classes at the maul & carried off a camper named Matt.
I noticed you just hit the snooze alarm. MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOWWWWW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW
I don’t know what to say to a woman when she is angry, but it’s definitely not, “Whatever, Pippi Wrongstocking.”
*Uses public restroom
**Squats so long walks out with buns of steel
Child: Hey can I go outsi-
Me: YES PLEASE
[forgetting the phrase “your honor”] not guilty, hammer daddy
My kid asked me to please “be cooler” around his friends and l’m not even cool around MY friends so idk who he thinks he’s dealing with
[invention of baseball]
Guy: I’ll throw the ball
Me: and I catch it
Guy: no hit it with a stick
Me: then what?
Guy: someone else will try to catch it
Me: what if I miss?
Guy: someone else will try to catch it
Me: you could just say you don’t want to play catch with me dad
therapist: you are your own worst enemy
me: undefeated baby
*puts baby powder in a crib*
*adds water*
I have an important question about the movie CATS which will ultimately determine whether or not I see it:
At any point in the film does one of the CATS cats sit in a cardboard box that is a little too small for them
My skin is so dry it’s doing a PowerPoint presentation
*walks into room, turns chair around backwards & sits down with arms crossed on it*
hey kids…I’m here to talk about how chairs confuse me
Right, that’ll keep the plane spotters away from the bottom of the runway, next job…
[saturday, 5am]
no one:
no one at all:
delivery truck: I AM BACKING UP!!!!
I’ve never seen a runner smiling.
So that’s all I need to know about that.
Lounging on the couch, pants off while munching a Big Mac is a great way to spend Sunday, despite IKEA’s Security guard insisting otherwise.