You Might Also Like
[commercial for babies]
*camera pans to a couple sleeping peacefully*
Narrator: don’t you hate this?
who called it an octopus not an armarmarmarmarmarmarmarmadillo
Negative pregnancy tests, because everyone loves good news on a stick
My house looks pristine, unless you have a can of luminol and a black light.
Lying on the hammock while my wife does yard work. Don’t know exactly what she’s planting but the hole she dug is slightly bigger than me.
when someone corrects my pronunciation of a word, my brain immediately snaps to how many polite people just nodded and let me sound dumb before
Future Headline:
“Trump Caught On Tape Eating Newborn Babies,
Hillary Caught Using Friend’s Netflix Password
Undecideds Still On The Fence”
Hey if a public bathroom door is locked don’t forget to try to repeatedly open it and give the person using it paralyzing anxiety
If the murder robots look like wall•e I will betray all of you
Teacher: You have one pie, there are four people who want pie, what percentage of the pie would you get?
Me: 100%
Bought a chicken to make sandwiches. It doesn’t. It shits on the floor.
“There’s a lot to unpack here” is something I say when I don’t have the slightest understanding of what you just said.
I love using phrases like “knowing is half the battle” so my kids think I’m wise beyond my years, because they have no idea I took it from a cartoon.
My chess strategy is to make a bunch of erratic moves at the beginning to throw my opponent off, & then lose the game
Her: Wow… You really cleaned up the place
A cockroach with a little bow-tie waddles by
Me: Anything for you baby girl
Like jury duty, people should be randomly selected to work awful retail or food service shifts, just so everyone understands how horribly these folks are treated
Imagine lawyers calling in to their firms like, “Ugh the case will have to wait, just got called for Applebee’s duty”.
[ Dad having “the talk” with his daughter]
Dad- The best way to protect yourself is to use a condor.
Girl- You mean a condom?
Dad- * Hands her a gauntlet * Nope.
Accidentally blurted out “skip intro” when someone wasn’t getting to the point.
An interrogator that just goes into the room and loudly eats a peach until the suspect confesses to everything.
me: i’ve committed adultery. i’ve been doing a lot of adulting.
therapist: no.
At an art museum and I thought this was art
I can’t imagine having Justin Timberlake money and driving drunk I wouldn’t even drive sober lmao
ME: I thought only old people got that
DOCTOR:
ME:
DOCTOR:
ME: Oh…
Conveniently, the sound from their early Saturday morning lawn mowers covers the noise of my sniper rifle.
If you watch the Fast & Furious series in reverse, it’s about tough guys who have a change of heart and return stolen cars and decide to scale back their dangerous stunts to more sensible, low-budget ones and they all become youthful and more relaxed because of the lowered stress
No self-respecting murderer is going to have the patience to stand there for the twenty or thirty hours it’ll take me to dig my own grave.
*boss puts arm around Alan*
Look out that window, Alan. What do you see?
“Um, chirping birds?”
That’s right Alan. But why do they chirp?
“Because they’re free?”
No, Alan.
“Er, because they want guns?”
You’re goddamned right they want guns, Alan. That’s why we make guns for birds.
NO, I will not come get candy from your van, Im not craz..
Oh cookies? Hmm.
Double stuff?! You don’t say!
The white one w/ no windows? Sure!
Just great—woke up on a park bench, missing a kidney.
Again.
Third time this week.
Laundry needs to be put away.
I look at the basket.
The basket looks at me.
Old western shoot our music looms in the background.