You Might Also Like
“Open Mike Night” sounded like a lot of fun until I realised I’d been invited to an autopsy.
Good morning, a spider’s favorite music app is Spotafly and your day can only get better from this joke forward Happy Thursday
[wakes up next to perfectly crocheted sweater with knitting needles in hands]
Oh dear god not again
Fireman: Is anyone else inside the house?
Me: Uh yes..my son is trapped in my room he- [fireman charges into blaze] ..HE LOOKS LIKE AN XBOX
Every time I buy a fun new mug my mother yells “We have too many mugs!” & I yell “You suck the joy out of everything!” & she yells “Don’t say ‘suck’!” & I yell “I’m a grown woman!” & she yells “Then are you finally moving out of my house”
One cool thing about being 33 is that people who are 50 think you might as well be 22 and people who are 22 think you might as well be 50
The person who came up with the word onomatopoeia woke up one morning and chose vowelence.
Props to the guy who numbered combo meals. Ordering a number four combo meal sounds a lot better than ordering a double quarter pounder meal
me other days of the year: amazon is evil
me on prime day: holy shit 70% off??
Me: I like sunsets
Son: *squinting* sounds like something a vampire would say
Me:
Son: you’re also very pale
#BREAKING Egypt, Russia sign contract to build Egypt’s first nuclear plant
An obese old man who breaks into your house at night? A tiny flying woman who buys your dead teeth? It’s a wonder children can sleep at all.
My 4yo asked me where people go when they die.
I told her: “I don’t know, but it wouldn’t hurt to check under your bed last thing at night.”
My sister sent me a picture of us when we were teenagers with a caption “look how pretty you used to be”
Oh sorry I can’t right now. I’m imagining some things and worrying about them
Good news! I got the new restraining order today. So if anyone needs a stalker I’m available. I have mad stalking skills plus references.
“My family doesn’t have a black sheep,” I say, while everyone avoids eye contact.
Make every hug more interesting by mysteriously whispering, “the Dark Lord stands at the crossroads
Got a plant that apparently likes a “partially shady area” so I’m planting it in an Italian restaurant in New York
We just got a fax. At work. We didn’t know we had a fax machine. The entire department just stared at it. I poked it with a stick.
I am a(n):
⚪️ man
⚪️ woman
🔘 unknowable entity in the deep wood
seeking:⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 a morally grey companion to defend me from the wizard who has been hunting me for centuries
Fun fact, the American alligator (Alligator mississippiensis) has enough bones in its body to make up an entire alligator skeleton.
Me: can I start calling him 3.5 yet?
Wife: do you even know his name anymore?
Me: yes wife of course I know his name.
cop: [pointing at me] he with you?
him: never seen him before
me: [welling up] what the hell Jerry we literally just robbed a bank together
“Mom guess what I’m getting married!!!”
Is he rich?
“I think so. His name is Charles Mansion”
I’d like to time travel for the sake of mankind but more importantly to stop Brussels sprouts from happening.
me when my kids won’t try their food: you might like it
me when my kids want to try my food: you won’t like it