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[muffled voice] I love what you’ve done with your trunk.
Wanna live a long life? Get married. I guarantee you’ll change your mind real quick.
Captain America outsources much of his crime fighting to Captain India.
#ChangeAConsonantSpoilAMovie
Snapes On A Plane
HER: Does your dog do any tricks?
ME: I taught him to lie on the bed
H: That’s not impressive lol
DOG [gets on bed] I wrote The Hobbit
beginning a breakup text with “as the situation with the supply chain continues to develop,”
Siri, make that person I actually really liked un-hurt my feelings
No I don’t have Tourette’s. I just stubbed my toe
Her: Would you like a complimentary orange juice with your breakfast?
Me: No, I’d like the rude, insulting orange juice, please.
Just threw a ghost boomerang. That’s gonna come back to haunt me.
Every time I think the younger generation is stupid, I remind myself that we took a long time to figure out that WWF was all fixed !!
There should be a dimmer on refrigerator lights so you’re not hit with full sunlight blast when you’re cruising for food at 3 a.m.
[inventor of frisbee]
“I hate this plate”
the saddest part about self driving cars will be all the times people die mid trip and then ur dinner guests or pizza guy will arrive dead
Y’all I’m dead AF over this 😂😂😂😂😭😭😭☠️☠️☠️
My Uber driver just told me that he’s been doing a lot of pick ups/drop offs at ER’s and Urgent Care, so, goodbye.
online workout videos are either completely unhelpful like “30 mins of walking in place, every 6th minute do one squat if you feel comfortable with that” or totally insane like “find a skyscraper and scale it, no harness and no excuses, your life will never change if you don’t”
“That’s close enough…”
~Government worker
-I heard this dog was chipped.
-Microchipped sir.
-I don’t care how small the chip is, I’m not paying full price.
13 just put on deodorant without being told so he must have a girlfriend now
The alphabet starts off kinda slow, but once you get past K, hot damn does it get good
When someone asks me why I’m in a wheelchair, I want to say something ridiculous like, “I’m not standing up until my grandson gets a Golden Ticket to Willy Wonka’s Chocolate Factory.”
a talented computer hacker can bring down any man, no matter how rich or powerful, by smashing him over the head with a brick
INCORRECT PUNCTUATION STARTS FIGHTS:
Happy April Fools!!!
VS.
Happy April, Fools!!!
I’m done with dating sites and am now only focusing on Chinese food delivery people. They have a job, a car, and most importantly eggrolls.
*marshmallows
*chocolate
*graham crackers
*lighter fluid
*matchesCashier: “Going camping?”
Me: “Nope”*wine
*tampons
They add a scent to natural gas so we can smell it if there’s a leak and we’re in danger. Same reason Axe Body Spray has a scent.
Never read the comments. Unless you’re posting a comment. Then, read all the comments, because 40 other people already said that, genius.
I like going to the cemetery early in the morning because, if you’re calm and patient, the skeletons will approach and even eat right out of your hand.
Your password must include 5 minutes of interpretive dance, 15 excerpts from contemporary fiction and 1 word made up by Shakespeare.