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The cashier told me to have a good Valentine’s Day like my purchase of oven cleaner, cat treats and frozen pizza suggests anything else.
I am literally the only one at this baby shower who turned up with champagne & a coat hanger.
awkardly looking around the applebees bar & grill for my tidner date whose profile picture is waluigi
I optimistically invited guests for this weekend while my house was unusually clean and now a week later I see why that was a mistake
Son, your mom and I have been fighting a lot lately and we have decided that *dad piledrives mom into the coffee table* we’re gonna go pro.
*wife walks over to me*
*cups my face with her hands*
*looks me in the eye*“Why is there a mousetrap in the fridge?”
I fear that one day I’ll click on “Forgot password?” and it will say “We’re not telling you. This is going to be a learning experience.”
I moved to LA 9 months ago and I’ve just been circling around this whole time looking for a parking spot.
Preacher: He who lives by the sword shall die by the sword
Me: *sweating*
My neighbor (who is an actual sword): *glares at me from the end of the pew*
When no one stars a tweet, I tell myself it was probably appreciated by hundreds of shy people.
Instead of a tweet up,
I think all the twitter crushes should get together for a weekend in the mountains
You know…
A Couples Retweet
Dracula: Let me give you eternal life….
Me: Are you kidding me have you looked around at this world…no thank you.
Dracula: What time is sunrise?
Morgan Freeman is in so many movies, I bet he just wanders onto film sets and says,”I’m in this now.”
“Paper or plastic?”
I don’t know. How can anyone really know?
“Uhh-”
I’m bagnostic
i slept so well last night
guy about to invent wind chimes: lemme fix that
What do Me, Santa Claus and the Easter Bunny have in common? You guessed it: we’re all white.
Trust me, it’s all filters and angles. I’m actually a saint bernard.
“First gay marriage. What’s next – people marrying dogs?!”
*nervous glance at dog
Dog: Frank, we’ve been over this. I like you as a friend
[2 days into diet]
Gluten: come back baby I promise I’ll change
In my younger days, I was bullied. Fed up one day I punched the biggest kid in class. I think about that teaching job often.
True crime was invented to remind people that life could be worse
Back to the Future but it’s just me trying to break my parents up at the school dance
Dear Lord,
Thank you for these noodles I’m about to eat and the good deal I got buying them in bulk at Costco. RA-MEN!
ME: I’m going to start a blog.
FRIEND: Ugh. Blogs are so narcissistic. I just talked about that on my podcast.
Backstreet Boys: everybody, rock your body
Dwayne Johnson: i got this
Can I do this?
-Kids, while doing it
my haters are mad they’ll never catch me slippin because of my grippy socks
Your phone dying is god’s way of telling you to plug it into an outlet and lie in an awkward position so you can continue doing whatever it is you’re going to hell for
GOD: Sharp pincers
CRAB: Thats dope
GOD: Hard shell
CRAB: Hell ya
GOD: Delicious legs lmao
CRAB: Wtf
notebooks need to stop saying notebook on them. girl we know…