You Might Also Like
i can confirm that Somali pirates have intercepted my shipment of 20,000 glossy 8×10 headshots and are using them for vile purposes
Me: A lady never reveals her age.
Dr: For the final time, Ursula, I AM YOUR DOCTOR!
Me: FINE! *sigh* 37
Dr: thank you
Me: ish
what’s something i can do besides get married where i can be the center of attention and everyone cries and tells me how beautiful i am
So You Think You Can Peel A Kiwi
Today I was on the treadmill for over an hour. I was so pleased with my progress that tomorrow I might actually turn it on
You hang up
“No, you hang up”
You hang up first!
– Bats going to bed
Def Leppard are a bunch of liars. I poured some sugar on a girl one time and it was a complete mess, she was not happy at all.
Me: am I pretty?
Cat: I mean compared to what?
Me: never mind
Things a raccoon and I have in common:
1) Dark circles around the eyes.
2) Likes eating junk.
3) We’re both cute but will kill you.
you know covid done screwed everything up when you get into a car accident with a small plane.. you don’t even panic you guys just exchange insurance information.
The date didn’t go well but she was nice enough to send a PDF of everything I did wrong afterwards.
Steam Forums
[Me as a Realtor]
BUYERS: this is a great house, what’s the catch?
ME: Well, it is a bit.. [cant think of the word haunted] ghost encrusted
[asteroid destroys earth]
God: *wakes up* hey I was WATCHING that
Why is “goodnight” one word, but “good morning” a lie?
Sometimes you need to give someone a second chance, those are the times there are no stairs around to push them down
*runs away from it all*
*runs back*
*grabs phone charger*
*runs away from it all again*
“It’s our third date and you still wear that shirt?”
Honey, this all they have in prison.
To all staff: the library now uses new programs for collaboration, project management, scheduling, and messaging. Each has different password requirements with 12-factor authentication. This will boost productivity for the 20 minutes a day that you’re not logging into something.
In our house, we have mandatory family time where the four of us can only text each other.
A library patron stops in her tracks at the reference desk, studies me, and says: “You’ve gotten a few gray hairs!”
“Yeah, I get one every time there’s something I want to say out loud at work but hold it in instead. Oops, there’s a new one.”
I have obtained a hat
My girlfriend said she bought the lingerie for me, but then got upset when I put it on… I dont get women.
I’m a good person!
You can tell because I’m announcing it loudly.
I’ve been watching a 3 yr old all day like a hawk and I stepped out the room for 1/1000 of a second and came back and she was dangling from the ceiling fan about to toss a hand grenade
Dentist: Did you deliberately loosen this tooth?
Me: Why would I do that?
D: ok…[extracts tooth & hands me a lolly]
Me: *winks at camera*
i thought crypto and bitcoin were x-men characters
Body: *sharp abdominal pain*
Me: Oh, God. Is that cancer? I bet it’s cancer.
Body: Are you gonna go to the doctor? If you’re worried it’s cancer let’s go get it checked out.
Me: No, I’m good.
If you’ve had a lightsaber pointed at you while you were on the toilet you may be a parent …or your life is way more interesting than mine
I tried dusting after five energy drinks now my house is on fire.