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If I buy the circus the monkey will be the manager.
my depression: I’m sad
my anxiety: but why now I’m worried
my depression: nothing to worry about I’m sad for no reason
my anxiety: oh cool but honestly I was just gonna worry anyway
OK. Hear me out. We are acquiring way too many of these and you’re not good at keeping them dusted anyway. So, let’s just dump EVERYONE’S cremated remains into this big one and clear up some table space.
[meets a cute girl from Scotland]
“Ummm hi your people make fantastic tape”
[at a job fair]
Me: Where’s the ferris wheel?
Her: you’re damaged goods
Me *thinking*: she thinks I’m good!
The best way to get a job is to hold the other person’s hand through the interview. If you don’t get hired, no worries. You made a friend.
I see Google have dropped that internet specs thing then?
“Google Glass”
I know what glass is, Catherine.
Airline just told my GF she has too much baggage & they’ve only known her a couple of minutes.
me: i wish i could go live in the woods
my phone: your screen time was up 34% this week for a daily average of 7 hours
Day 302 of my husband and I both working from home:
Me: *tapes note to microwave reminding coworkers to PLEASE CLEAN UP SPILLS THIS MICROWAVE IS FOR THE WHOLE OFFICE
my Roomba bravely tries to trip my attacker as they chase me through the house
succession fans be like “the next episode is gonna be CRAZY” and the episode in question is “sign this piece of paper” “no”
Quick, while the British people are sleeping:
Raise your hand if you make tea by microwaving hot water
[at dry cleaners]
Me: Hi, did I drop something off here a few weeks ago?
Owner: Yes
Son: *walks out from back* Daddy!!!
(car dealership)
Me: Cargo room?
Salesman: No, car go outside
Every now and then I wear a button-down shirt just to remind myself how buttons work.
Everyone at this whistling convention looks extremely suspicious.
Find someone more giddy with excitement than my husband who stopped the car between the Canada-US border to joke that we left the kids in another country
For anyone interested, you’ll find my complete Windows 8.1 review below:
Still sucks.
Plumber: I think I found the problem
Friend: Why isn’t your boyfriend here to help bury this heavy carpet?
Me: ….
Its awkward touching hands with another man in a popcorn bag, especially if you dont know the man & he doesnt know youre eating his popcorn
My husband and I are celebrating our “porcelain” anniversary in a few days. Sounds like someone is getting a new toilet this year.
Parenting tip: From day one never cut a crust off a sandwich; your kids won’t know there’s any other way. Stay lazy, my friends.
I would like to think money won’t change me, but I won $5 on a scratch-off lottery ticket and immediately bought name brand aluminum foil.
I only have one sex toy. 7 if you search my house and get creative.
me: here’s an idea. a dishwasher that ‘beeps’ when it’s finished
CEO: yeah. like, twenty times
me: lmao two or three times is more than enou-
CEO: TWENTY TIMES
me: but-
CEO: T̶̨̮̲̱̎͐̾͒͑W̴̨̺̭͛͗͆̀E̸̦̾̇͗͝Ṅ̴̦̪̿̇T̸̩̫̐̾͒Y̷̨͇̯̞̌́́͌ ̵̧̜͚͛̕͘T̶̛̞͑̒͑̅Ḯ̵͚̆̕M̵̫̠͉̀Ë̸͔̝̬́̌̈͘S̶̝̘̓̽͒̒͑-