You Might Also Like
yelling “you’re not my real dad” is a faux pas
I bet Eve bit that apple because she knew she was going to get a bunch of clothes out of it.
A Canadian pilot was hesitant about landing in the crosswind, so Benny from Maintenance has fixed his plane.
*Picks up a grudge, holds it up with a pair of tongs, brings it closer to his nose n sniffs it, examines it for cracks*
“Yes, this is still good. We shall hold on to this one for another four years.”
When you give someone a present, unless you say “open it”, they’re legally not allowed to look inside.
Her: Be a dear and hand me that cup.
Me: *jumps in front of a car*
Her: Dear, not deer.
My soul floating away: Craaaaap.
Avengers Endgame and the Battle of Winterfell coming out the same weekend is like when your history teacher and your English teacher both assigned papers due the same day except instead of homework it’s emotional labor
If ya’ll had let everybody eat the Tide Pods when they wanted to they wouldn’t be out here licking the ice cream.
If your bio is chock full of emojis, I like to assume you’re too stupid to form complete sentences.
The only thing worse than discovering that celery is an aphrodisiac, is knowing that people who eat celery may actually have sex.
Does WebMD ever just say “you’re fine, there’s nothing wrong with you, go play outside you drama queen?”
Just built a kite that’ll hold my cat. Figured if a mouse helped discover electricity then my cat & I should be able to unlock time travel.
Airport: come like 3 hours early
Ok what gate do I go to
Airport: not telling until last minute 🤫
Computer: Login failed. Did you forget your password?
Me: oh shi–[Cut to my password waiting alone on the side of a soccer field]
Why are cops the only ones who get to go undercover? Why can’t a dentist? Coming soon, Undercover Dentist
Accidentally fell asleep smoking an e-cigarette and when I woke up my whole house was on the internet.
People: cheer up, things could be worse
Anxiety: and here are some detailed scenarios how
Please be aware that while my posts are largely based on true events, some have had squirrels added for dramatic purposes.
Hi, I’m a college professor. Years ago I wrote a terrible book no one wanted. Anyway you have to buy it for 80 dollars
Welcome to adulthood. The weekend is your only time to catch up on everything but also your only time to do absolutely nothing.
Pro tip: if you show up nude to the Zoom meeting, you don’t have to do anymore zoom meetings.
BRB YOU GUYS, I GOTTA DO THIS FACEBOOK QUIZ TO FIND OUT WHAT BREED OF CAT I AM
Therapists listen to anything you wanna say. The other day I was like “there is so much hair in the world and I feel like we could be doing something powerful with it but the hairdressers won’t comply” and my therapist just nodded
(filing for divorce)
Judge: Hello there Mike. The usual?
Me: That’s right.
Sorry I’m breaking up with you but you have terrible taste in women
[slides $5 to paramedic]
Me: maybe it takes us too long to get to the hospital & maybe I don’t make it
“Ok, we’re naming our band after the next thing that happens”
*Adam busts in* Guys, you won’t BELIEVE how many crows are outside rn
god: did you give the dinosaurs more muscle like I asked
angel: wait what
god: I told you to make them meatier
angel: oh MEATier
Did you know if you send a fancy iPhone emoticon to a non-iPhone user, it just shows up as a middle finger?
Parenting means you will never say “What?!” again without sounding annoyed.