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When someone tells me they’re a doctor or an engineer all I can think is: “wow your parents must’ve yelled at you to do your homework a lot”
My daughter wrote a poem in school about where’s she’s from and she wrote I come from my siblings and I being called tiny dancers and children of the corn so I’ll just be outside waiting for cps.
accidentally said “you too” when the waiter told me to enjoy my meal so he sat down with me and we had a very pleasant evening
I hate when people call and say they’re 10 minutes away for a “drop-by surprise visit” and I have to set fire to my house.
Never underestimate a woman sitting quietly in a corner sharpening a knife.
Sometimes I’ll be staring at my phone for a few minutes and be like “what was it I was doing” then I’ll be like “oh yeah I’m driving a car”
This guy’s not having it 😆
Looking for a pet that is friendly, loyal, fun and, in the eventuality of an apocalypse, tasty.
Denise please return my vape pen
I legit had to reread this several times before I realised it wasn’t intended to be a conversation between the Beta Male and the Alpha Male.
Are they honking at me because I’m cute or because I can’t drive?
When my 9 year old gets off the phone with his girlfriend, I’m going to ask him for some dating advice.
Bitcoin is just Kohl’s Cash for boys
Ordering surgeries off the secret menu at the doctor’s office.
[leaving sushi restaurant]
WAITER: sayonara
ME: onara
I know it’s so bad but all the other restaurant names were taken. Anyways welcome to Feastiality can I get you guys started on some drinks
DOCTOR: You need to excercise portion control.
ME: Thank God. For a second I thought you said I needed to exercise.
Me: Knowing everything we do about medcine and health, I cant believe people still smoke!!
Also me: Is four boxes of Swiss Cake Rolls enough for the weekend?
Someone told me they dont get tattoos cuz “you dont put bumper stickers on a Ferrari” which was weird bc he was a 92 Chevy caprice at best
no one likes gloating
My Target bill was $23 this month. Either I am really getting my shit together or someone at corporate has made a terrible mistake.
Thrilled I bought a 55″ screen so I can listen to it while I stare at a 4″ screen.
Dang girl are you a New Year’s Resolution? cuz I’d never keep you, I just made you up & you really never actually existed in the first place
“Is that on Netflix?” I ask, with no intention of ever watching it
[dinner time]
me: what would you like to stare at for twenty minutes and then throw away?
kids: whatever’s the most difficult to make
I thought attending Zoom meetings from home was the worst. Then I went back to the office and experienced being around other people who were in Zoom meetings.
If I am ever killed by a koala bear, I hope whoever finds me just tells people I was killed by a bear
Just went outside for 10 mins and the mosquitoes treated me like I was fresh eggs at a continental breakfast
i would like to apologize to the parents of the child my kid is FaceTiming with, as she is just on her third time through of baby shark with no end in sight