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It may seem that your dog wants to give you a kiss but he really just wants to know if you had peanut butter for dinner
I crashed into a telephone pole during my drivers test but then I said just kidding and my instructor still passed me
lmaaaaaooooooooo
I totally get your eyebrows.
My bank account is overdrawn, too.
if I was a nepo baby I’d never use my parents’ status to get a job, I’d live off their money and never work
Become ungovernable.
WIFE: Ok *deep sigh* why are you in the bathtub w/ a horse?
ME: [soaping behind Mr Butters’ ears] It’s called a stable relationship, Thelma
There’s something mentally wrong with people who ask other parents if their baby isn’t the cutest baby they’ve ever seen
Me: Would you bring me the mattress cover off your bed?
Son: *looks puzzled* The what?
Me: The mattress cover. The quilted looking sheet.
Son:
Me: The final boss sheet at the bottom.
Son: Oh that.
Are you Chinese? Well, how about you?”
– Chinese Checkers
Do you ever follow accounts blindly and then find yourself in bad poetry or emu farmer Twitter?
Person: “I have a friend in a wheelchair, do you know him?”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “I have a friend who’s stupid, do you know him?”
“You’re sure that’s the right word?”
“Like, 80% sure, yeah.”
“Print it.”
Just dropped my kids off for the first day of school! Granted, it doesn’t start for 3 wks, but I left them w/ plenty of granola bars & H20.
Son, it’s ur 18th birthday, so I got u a brand new car…
“OMG DAD. WOW-”
…dboard box.
“But-”
Pack up, ur moving out birthday boy.
I hate when I see the moon during the day. Go to bed dude.
OBI WAN KENOBI: These are not the droids you’re looking for
GUARD: [licks lips] I’m not looking for droids handsome
I need to know what happened here in 1620.
(guy glaring at me because he wants to use the stationary bike) *adds 72 hours to cardio workout*
How good looking am I? Put it this way, if a hot girl adds on social media
I know it’s a scam
hitman: who am I killing?
dog: ever hear of a guy named pavlov?
hitman: rings a bell
dog: that’s right
my mothers motherly urge to make sure you are eating no matter how full you are
and then suggest you lose weight
the process of buying a podcast mic in america needs to be made as or more difficult than buying a gun
May I pay you handsomely, good sir?
-Why yes you may.
*opens wallet*
*pulls out Ryan Gosling*
People who live in glass houses should wear fish costumes.
Big fight with the husband, apparently there is a correct way to roll up a garden hose.
I came home and my gf had laid out rose petals from the door, down the hall and into our bed. There were even rose petals in the shower, my sock drawer and my jacket pocket. And even in the medicine cabinet where my EpiPen usually is because I AM SEVERELY ALLERGIC TO ROSE PETALS
If you put Mattel dolls in a line they become a Barbie queue.
Creepy guy at gas station: you got boyfriend?
Me: um yes. I’m married.
CG: *shrugs* your loss.
Me:
CG:
Selfie