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People don’t frolic enough anymore.
FROLIC YOU PIECES OF SHIT
Canadian Army training is 6 weeks of learning how to throw a snowball.
10yo: I’m confused. The paper says “20s theme.” But this is the 20s. So we dress like we do everyday?
Me:
Me:
Me: That’s exactly what it means.
If dolphins are so smart, how come they work at Sea World?
*feels comfortable*
comfortable: *slaps hand away*
A blue whale is so big, that if you laid it end to end on a basketball court, the game would be cancelled.
#BasketballDay #RubbishJokes
ME: someone stole my credit card number
BANK: why would they spend $187 at a hot dog stand?
ME: [hangs head in shame] that wasn’t them
People who like to ask, “What do you like to do for fun?” are the reason I carry an air horn in my purse.
At Costco I just bought my cemetery plot, my casket, and the 80 lb bag of beef jerky that will eventually kill me. One stop shopping.
Wife got peanut butter M&M’s and mint M&M’s and mixed them in the same bowl because she’s not interested in making this relationship work.
6 year old: I ate all my lunch today!!
The evidence to the contrary:
My weapon of choice is a loaded vocabulary.
Spells out “Can you clean the toilet” in candy hearts on the bed.
I have a picture of my uncle standing on a tank he and two buddies destroyed in WWII. I cut my fingernails too short and I might stay home.
the human. who snuggled. my human. the other night. is here again. BUT. this time. however. they brought. my fren and i. treats.. we approve
HBO decided to rename themselves “Max” instead of so many other solid guy names like “Kevin” or “Brian”.
The only vampire who matters to me lives on Sesame Street. The rest don’t count.
Any driver who sees this will immediately crash.
playing wake you up before your alarm with my neighbor.
Hubs: Why can’t we use the good china?
Me: Because that’s for if the Queen comes to visit
Hubs: um…
Me: oh bugger!
Thoughts and Prayers aren’t working, it’s time to start pitching folks into a volcano
I had a shirt with a tag that said “tumble dry only.” I did like twenty cartwheels and it was still wet.
Have you ever had a conversation with someone and realize half way through that you’re going to need crayons to explain it to them?
7: so dolls weren’t invented when you were a kid either right mom?
me: for the last time it was just the INTERNET
(wine tasting)
WOW THIS ONE TASTES LIKE WINE TOO. I’M LIKE 5 FOR 5 NOW. KEEP ‘EM COMIN’!
*Calling from the bakery
Me: “Honey, can I get you something: a muffin, eclair, a cupcake?”
Her: “Surprise me!”
Me: “I think I’m gay”
My family was totally confused tonight because there’s a candle lit that smells like a cake is baking without burning
I don’t do that
There once was a man on zoom
Whose stomach had started to fume
He really had to toot
Forgot to hit mute
A problem when your living room is also the conference room
Meowchelangelo
For a tiny person unable to wipe herself after she poops, my toddler has managed to hit me dead in the eyeball with 4 things today.
My dog tried to kill someone for talking to me, which is basically the sweetest thing anyone’s ever done for me.