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He kept asking to see “more” of me but for some reason my colonoscopy results were “too much”
Foh
Actually the first 38 years of my childhood have been the hardest.
Friend: wanna do a Boston marathon with me?
Me: is that on Netflix?
I just went for a morning run on the beach so it’s nice to know that exercise can ruin any setting.
It’s actually a good thing money doesn’t grow on trees because I’ve killed every plant I’ve ever owned.
[first date]
I’m sorry, I fiddle when I get nervous
“That’s okay”
Yeah….
*jams out epic fiddle solo for the rest of the date*
Give a man a fish, and you feed him for a day. Feed a man to the fishes, and you’ll never have to share your food again.
me: *pounding on son’s locked bedroom door* open up this instant! this is my house
son: no it isn’t, you have a mortgage so it’s the bank’s house. have someone from wells fargo come and tell me
me: [to wife] i knew we shouldn’t have gotten him those personal finance books
Millennial: OMG, you don’t even know how to make a gif? That’s so tragic to me right now. Can you at least make a meme?
Me: I own a house.
I just finished doing a 30 minute workout – ten minutes looking for my glasses, 15 minutes squeezing into my yoga pants and 5 minutes on the treadmill.
When I die, I want to donate my hands and feet to become the hands and feet of a snowman so people will think “Wow that snowman has a person inside!” But as it slowly melts they will realize that it’s just my severed hands and feet.
I get all my cardio by crying when someone calls me ma’am at the gym.
I just clipped my little toe on patio furniture. Prayers needed for my husband who rearranged everything without telling me.
SON: Daddy, what’s the point of this?
ME: I’m not sure there is one, son, our existence and actions are ultimately futile and meaningless
SON: No, I meant this
ME: Oh that’s a can opener
Do you have little ones who are nervous about flying? This is a great bedtime read before you go.
Calorie tracker: I’ll help you see everything you ate today.
White clothes: lol same.
So I climb a tree and scream and its an “issue” but cicadas do it and its a natural marvel. OK.
Eating nothing but bacon for my keto diet because I wanna be thin in time for my heart attack
“I’m not gay or anything.”-homophobic antimatter
The world would be a better place if we all got along like the “Price Is Right” audience.
I picked up one of my son’s school masks and it had a horrific red mess inside and before I could even put words to my fears he said “I dropped a meatball in it.”
6-year-old: *shows off her new fancy pen*
Me: That’s so nice. Who gave you that?
6: My boyfriend.
Me: Give it back.
Judge: You have power of attorney?
Me:*curling two briefcases* Pfft. What do you think, bruh?
Dad: “So what are you going to do after you graduate?”
Me: “well, mom said we’ll probably go out somewhere to eat”
My grandad’s battalion avoided capture in Norway by disguising themselves as Christmas trees – they were all highly decorated.
We woke up to a noise.
I grabbed a bat.
He grabs a can of body spray.
“Really? Gunna make this burglar irresistible to women huh?”
Ever smell a permanent marker and accidently color the tip of your nose black?
Related: They’re called permanent markers for a reason.
The rare times my cat approaches me for affection, I run away and hide under the bed so she knows what that feels like.
Hey Twitter, you get a new comic EARLY
Crazy how my 5yo can explain something in painstaking detail unless it’s anything I specifically asked her.