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Created a shortcut on my teen’s phone. Now every time she texts “kk” auto fill displays “I have the BEST mom.”
Me, seeing a man proposing to a woman in public: Hey, this guy bothering you?
My boss: hey you got a sec?
Me: I have all the secs
Boss: what?
Me: what?
Mechanic: Your car needs new brakes to pass inspection.
Me: Are you sure about that? *slides him a half used $10 Starbucks gift card*
Doctor: A healthy serving of red meat is the size of a deck of cards.
Me: So… no more than 52 slices of roast beef?
Dr: I hate this job.
Kinda bullshit that alcohol isn’t considered a work expense, but ok
[at Home Depot]
Cashier: That’ll be $25
Me: Here’s a gift card that should have some money on it
Cashier: *scans card* That’ll be $24.84
“This is a terrible wine tasting event. ” – me at church.
Technically, setting someone on fire is burning calories.
Me: You should take a bath
Kid: You can’t make me!
Doctor: You should eat more leafy greens
Me: You can’t make me!
Forget the fad diets, I’m gonna lose weight the old fashioned way – by not having enough money for food.
I am thick and tired. 🙄
Who needs an Air Fryer?
Sorry, I left in a separate car when you suggested a romantic drive.
Husband: …
Her: Have you seen my penguin tattoo?
Me *eyes wide* how does he hold the needle?
I’m trying to become a vegetarian so from now I’m only eating seafood.
Like lobster, prawns and drowned cows.
damn demi, your rap battle opponent didn’t even try to diss your clothes. what’s your secret. [camera pans out to show all-orange outfit]
A little bit of rain and everyone forgets how to drive. Saw one guy try to start his car with a pancake.
My husband’s on a work Skype, so every few minutes I silently cross the room behind him dressed as a new character from Wicked.
Me to wife: “I don’t need a grocery list, it’s only three things.”
Also me: *Forgets two of the three things and comes home with a llama*
the worst part about cooking for others is not licking the utensils every time you stir something
🥴😂
Being a mom means saying things that shouldn’t be threatening in a very threatening manner. Like, “EAT YOUR CEREAL!” for example.
Me: what kind of birthday cake do you want?
7: I want a big Star Wars cake with blue frosting at the top and green frosting at the bottom, little stars all over, a baby yoda on top and when you cut it open, M&M’s flow out like a waterfall.
Me: I meant chocolate or vanilla.
They say the human body is 60% water, but after extensive observation of my husband and son, I’d like to submit a revision to the data. Those two are at least 50% wind.
[submarine]
captain: why can’t we submerge?!
stowaway jesus: lol
to be Frank, i would have to change my name.
Him: I’m an English teacher
Me: Oh yeah? Recite all the Englishes
So Hamburger help me, God