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My sister has a special type of selective hearing where she can only hear my mom announce when food is ready
“I can’t believe putting bears in charge of the hospital administration system didn’t work out. They just kept eating all the patients!”
“Maybe we should let the bears choose the doctors?”
“And run the hospital cafeteria!”
“More bear involvement is obviously the answer!”
I’m most freaked when I take the dog out after dark and remember it’s stupid white girls like me that are killed first in horror movies.
The kids complained that I was making them run laps around the house for exercise, so now they’re running laps with a vacuum cleaner.
I hate long distance relationships so I’m moving the fridge to my bedroom.
Scientist: Finally, my modeling algorithm ‘Predicting Cat Behavior’ is complete!
Cat: *walks across the keyboard, deleting the file*
We’re having lobsters for dinner .
Update – we have pet lobsters now
I don’t really understand the rules for Pommel Horse, so either this is all very impressive or I am witnessing some of the worst attempts to sit down I’ve ever seen.
Baby Soldier: Ma’am. Your husband is MIA.
Soldiers wife: *covers crying face with hands*
Baby Soldier: Oh great! Now his wife is MIA too.
Sometimes I say, “Damn you to hell” after someone sneezes, just to mix it up a bit.
Sometimes I wish I understood what some of you said and sometimes I am happy that I don’t.
Me: I’m just saying it’s nice that you feed all these stray cats
Cat Lady: Once again, I’m not going to bring you french fries
Me: Even if I-
Her: The costume doesn’t make you a cat
Me: *purrs*
Her: Still no
Slicing my strawberry shortcake ice cream bar like it’s wagyu beef
My husband got me Alexa for Christmas, like I need another person in the house claiming they didn’t hear me.
Drugs don’t ruin people’s lives, drug tests do.
One of the kids just asked for family game night like we weren’t already fed up with each other enough as it is
ME: Is it “mince meat” or “minced meat”?
NEIGHBOR: What? Did you find my cat or not
ME: I’m getting to that
Today while I was giving my dog a bath a spider fell out of her fur and ran across the sink. If you need me, I’ll be in therapy for the next 48 years.
Friend: I’m poly.
Me, pulling out crackers: Well, you won’t believe what I have for you!
Walking my 6yo out to the car and pointing at a patch of dead weeds in the yard he says, “Mom what happened to those plants?!” and I’m like “those were dead before I got here I did not kill them.”
My superpower is hiding takeout containers from the food that I take credit for cooking.
I hate when people refer to some tv shows or snacks as “guilty pleasures.” You shouldn’t feel guilty based on what you’re eating or watching. You should feel guilty all the time.
me: I wish there were more hours in my day
the sun at 5:30 a. m.: hey
m; eew. no. not you.
Breadcrumbs on mac and cheese be like here let’s sprinkle some carbs on top of these carbs
They should combine weather forecasts with horoscopes. “Tomorrow there’s a 60% chance of rain and a 40% chance you’ll reconnect with an old friend.”
If I had a time machine I would go back to the Star Wars era and kill baby Darth Vader
Me: You said everything in here was edible
Willy Wonka: Yes, but-
Me: *takes another bite of Oompa Loompa* Tastes like a circus peanut
Badminton implies the existence of Goodminton and Alrightminton.
I’m not sure if I like my wife’s new boyfriend.
Did you know all your parents’ haggard old friends from your childhood memories were in fact 31 years old