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I wonder how much time Han Solo spent just brushing Chewie’s fur and talking about their aspirations
Serial killers start their day by eating breakfast at McDonalds. Let me rephrase. They arent serial killers until they order & have to wait.
Not sure where your kids are? Make a phone call. They’ll be in your face in no time.
It isn’t a coincidence almost all movies about camping are horror.
For someone who doesn’t have any friends, I seem to ask a lot of questions for them.
her: your costume is highly inappropriate
me: oh relax, it’s not like it’s a “sexy” hot dog suit haha
her: well, regardless it’s time for you to give the eulogy
It takes an entire village’s coffee to raise a child
Me: Can I stick a finger in it?
Wife: No.
M: C’mon, it’ll be HOT.
W: …
M: Just my pinky?
W: Keep away from the sauce and go set the table.
Apologies to my husband for the things I muttered about him when I thought he’d finished my chocolate
ME: Your lizard keeps biting me.
THEM: That’s a cactus
“It’s about coming of age in an insane asylum built on a space station designed like a haunted castle theme park, while a rival galaxy leader time travels to learn ghost battle techniques, and a rogue viral plagued prison planet is pinballing towards Earth.” ~me pitching a novel
Cheerleaders are there to tell you that your team needs to score more points & the name of your team in case you forget at any given moment
Took my car to the mechanic because it was making a terrible noise… Turns out it was just a Pitbull song on the radio.
[party]
friend: that piñata you picked out looks so lifelike
piñata: *struggles against ropes*
[getting arrested for passing out drunk while driving] “oh, so now it’s illegal to take a nap?”
Haunted Houses this year are just gonna have the news on.
Me: “authenticity” is a weird concept with food. Most people would consider pizza to be more Italian than American. But the tomato only came to Italy in the 16th Century from, you guessed it, the Americas
Domino’s guy: please let me go, the app knows where I am
*accidentally grabs a fork from the silverware drawer instead of a spoon but I’m too lazy to go back so it takes me 47 min. to eat my soup*
You act like you’ve never seen a grown woman ride a carousel horse without kids.
Let’s continue this argument later on when I’m alone in the shower and you’re not there to defend yourself
Hey Pringles, It’s time to widen the can. Your core demographic isn’t exactly thin-wristed. Thank you!
One day you’re young and the next you’re standing at the kitchen window staring menacingly at your neighbors.
they say you swallow 8 spiders each year, but what they don’t tell you is that it hits harder if you crush and then snort them
We’re having company over today, so naturally my husband is helping me prepare by looking for the soil testing kit that he bought over a year ago.
Remember, it’s not a real paleo diet unless you’re eating mammoth every day.
So HR says it’s “unacceptable” to bring my lunch in a bottle and that vodka “isn’t soup”
They only arrested Justin Bieber cause he’s black.
ME: Good morning
TODDLER: I don’t want to be a mermaid. I want to be a shark with legs.
This will be our daughter’s first year trick or treating and the goal is to get her to collect all the candy for us and then immediately forget it exists