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*first day as an insurance salesman*
Customer: Can I get a quote?
Me: Sure! “Hold on tight, spider-monkey” 🥰
Customer: …
Me: …
Customer: …
Me: …Edward Cullen 2008.
H: I’m so tired of people making lame jokes about going into labor on Labor Day.
M: *slowly pulling pillow out of shirt* same
I got a head start on decorating for Halloween by not dusting the last six months.
“1 down, 98 to go!”- Jay-Z after cleaning the gutters
When Dorothy told the scarecrow she’d miss him most, I wanted the lion and tin man to set him on fire. I told my parents that, in case they got any ideas about showing favoritism.
New Mom: I bought my kids’ Halloween costumes back in August!
Me: That’s cool. I take my kids shopping on October 31st so they can’t change their minds 800 times.
It’s not about retweets or followers, it’s about alienating your children so they learn to be independent and responsible
My grandparents have been married for 62 years. When I asked them what was their secret to such a long marriage, my grandmother said God is punishing her
Am not being sponsored to say this but if any of you guys are looking to protect your feet while walking on rough terrain, check out “shoes”
*receiving flowers
I don’t know why people act so surprised when I fold them and put them in my purse.
Having a dark sense of humor is great, until you make a joke in front the wrong crowd and get looked at like you just killed their cat.
[goes to sign up for course on how to handle bad news better]
“sorry, we’re full”
[lights myself on fire]
Wife: I just wish you would open up and tell me what you’re thinking.
Me: OK, in the $1.50 Costco hotdog combo do you think the hot dog is $1 and the drink is $.50 or both $.75?
Wife: have you seen the dog bowl?
Me: no, is he any good?
Me: Do you like children?
Him: Yes, I love them.
Me: Good, because I become a huge child when I drink.
If I stay in bed too long my sheets eventually detach from the corner of my mattress like my bed is patting me on the back to let me know the hug is over.
Dang, my 250 million year old salt has expired
him, leaving for work: we still need to talk about your soap opera addiction
me: *walks away and stares out the window as the rain starts to fall* just go
It’s an indescribable feeling when I’m trying to put my toddler in his car seat in a crowded parking lot and him screaming “HELP”.
Robocop seems pretty cocky for a guy that can’t swim.
I did it! I found the worst thing on the internet. A combination of so much awful.
I’m looking forward to being the last two people on Twitter.
Be warned that if you buy your 5 year old a watch, you are going to get minute by minute updates on what the current time is
Our parenting style can best be described as:
Bad cop,
Bozo cop
How to properly use a paper clip:
1. Throw in garbage
2. Use a stapler
Cop: Are you drunk?
Me: um if I was drunk, could I do this?
*stands on one foot*
Cop: ok first of all, ow
I’m tired and want to sleep, but I can’t stop imagining how the whole scenario of the first person to pee on a jellyfish sting went down
After the loss of his beloved childhood pet Mr. Wiggles, Javier decided to dedicate his life to helping others avoid that kind of heartbreak.
Told my doctor I would lose 10 pounds in three months. That was three months ago and now I have 18 hours to lose 9¾ pounds.
I hate it when baby boomers are like “your generation is too sensitive!”. Like ok, Gail, I’m not the one writing 8 paragraph Yelp reviews because the restaurant was painted a color you didn’t like.