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Made something I’m not proud of
New York: The city that never sleeps.
Berlin: The city that never sleeps until Sunday.
Paris: The city that never sleeps alone.
I’m amazed at the things I find in my undies after a night out. Glitter, matchbook, food & I wasn’t even wearing underwear before I went out
HUSBAND: I can’t believe you’re in your 40s. You look so young.
ME: Nice try. You’re not getting the last piece of pizza.
me; I bought a gun because of my bird phobia
therapist: you might be getting carried away
me: *firing into the ceiling* not without a fight
I dropped a bottle of ketchup on my foot yesterday…
it caused severe pain…
to… ma… toes…
My husband said he wanted complete honestly in our relationship
So I said I wanted a divorce
all that yoga finally paid off
me: Hey!! Four Eyes!!!
Mississippi: *crying*
Roses are red,
violets are blue,
dogs go woof
and cows go moo.#PoetryDay #RubbishJokes
feeling melancholy. think I’ll have a drink and make things much worse
ME: Sorry I made things weird in bed last night
WIFE: Ok, but you’re still wearing the Shrek mask.
Would like to think i’m a chill person but i did a jigsaw puzzle the other day with people who had bad puzzle etiquette and i nearly put my fist through the glass top of the coffee table.
Sometimes i spread newspaper out on the floor and then lay down on it and pretend i’m fish n’ chips
Keanu Reeves stuck motionless on a horse forever because every time it starts to move he goes “whoa”.
I really was gonna jog at the park today….but I just found an empty park bench so I’ll just have a few smokes and cheer the joggers on.
I really love how squirrels get extra chubby heading into winter mostly because it’s super relatable
This squirrel eats better than I do
My 4yo: Let’s play a game!
Me: Is it you throw toys around the house and I pick them up?
4: No. Yes.
[Murderer in the middle of murdering me]
Can you put your phone down for 2 seconds while I’m murdering you I mean really
Them: You’re too focused on revenge
Me: Oh yeah? We’ll see about that
Do you like Taco Bell? Then you’ll LOVE real food!
If poetry is dead, then explain this:
*cutting the sleeves off a snuggie and calling it a thuggie*
This Uber driver is the worst. I can’t roll down the windows, he keeps asking questions, the doors won’t open, and now his siren is blaring.
WOMAN: [disgusted] some people shouldn’t have children
ME: [gently placing my son in her shopping cart] thank you
Alright white people, had to Google “totes” to find out what the hell it meant. I know one of you came up with it. Cut that shit out.
Our son attempted to explain to his little sister why his mom and I are married, so he told her, “Daddy was the only boy who liked mommy!”
Finally, you get a cab. The driver is a golden retriever. You hop in and hope for the best