You Might Also Like
Watching drunk twins fight.
The similarities are staggering, and striking.
What idiot called her a Hot Indian Girl and not a Bomb Bae
Rejected Disney Movie Titles:
1) Find My Fish Son
2) A Shit Ton Of Spotted Dogs
3) Peter Pot
4) Pretty Lady & Big Foot Face
5) It’s Cold
“Doctor, I’m afraid of people yelling letters of the alphabet at me.”
THERAPIST: Oh! You are? WHY???
[American TV]
SHOWRUNNER: We’ll have 184 episodes over 8 years and possibly 3 spin-offs.[British TV]
SHOWRUNNER: We’ll run for 63 years. There will be one episode a year. Some years there won’t be any. Alternatively we can do 8 episodes right now then never mention it again.
Women just want to make us better men, not drain our life essence. And sharks are just trying to kiss us but their teeth get in the way.
On my way into the gym, I quietly drop my empty Reese’s Pieces box into the trash can. My commitment to healthy living remains steadfast.
When they spot a towel hanging neatly on a rack, teens consider it a personal challenge to rip it down, wad it up & leave it on the floor.
is it possible to get my dehumidifier to water my houseplants
I do not have a firm grasp on physics but have sketched what I have in my mind, with it strapped to a ceiling fan
I remember when you had to subscribe to Reader’s Digest to read jokes this bad.
“I now pronounce you lunch and dinner.”
Her: Whats that mouth do boo?
Me: Probably say something stupid.
This day in history. 1973. Pablo Picasso died leaving behind his wife, 4 children, and a dog with piano key teeth and a halibut for a tail.
[goes to museum of fine art]
“Just how fine can this art be, anyway”
[sees a vase in a thong]
“oh damn”
Imagine if we were like cows and horses and when we gave birth our baby would immediately stand up and start running around the hospital and the doctors would have to catch them and round them up in a baby pen
Yesterday was International Day of Happiness. If you find yourself feeling happy today by mistake, don’t panic. Just focus on the news until the feeling passes.
Everything happening on Twitter now is a lot easier to understand if you‘ve ever had a younger sibling that invented a game and added a new rule every time they started losing.
I don’t think the lady who just shushed a baby in the library knows how babies work
A possum broke into an Australian bakery and ate so many pastries it couldn’t move. This is how they found him.
I have come up with the most awkward event of all time: the Father-Son wedding dance.
Every time this gets RTed a member of Congress gets kicked in the groin.
I once dated a girl for 3 months because we were stuck in a hammock.
there’s a fine line between things that need to be tweeted and things that need to be medicated.
me: sorry, I move around a lot in bed
GF: it’s ok lol
[middle of the night]
me: [taps GF on the shoulder] I just bought a house in Montana
hot tip: to avoid writing bugs, don’t write software
I’m so anti-social, my misery loathes company.
started wrapping my pills in cheese
No one would ever question Siri’s directions if she said them with more conviction. “Keep right, if you want to live.”
fellas is it gay to work construction? u need me to clean up a shaft?? ur gonna dump ur load where??? what size nuts do i have?? daddy chill i’m just here to werk