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Enjoying a few cups of coffee at my enormous kitchen island while being scrutinized by my two friends, one of whom has a torso that is physically inside the island
The Slow and The Furious: me navigating a shopping cart through a grocery store filled with morons.
Not only are used coffee grounds a great fertilizer, when shaped and baked they make excellent biscuits for that cunt of a dog next door.
Australia is like someone’s still playing jumanji
Apparently in yoga when the instructor says, ‘next we go into our downward dog,’ it is frowned upon to make the ‘bowchickabowow’ sound.
I still have a landline…
or as I call it a
Cell Phone Finder
Doctor 1: burrowing mites under the skin is pretty gross, but how do we make it sound even grosser?
Doctor 2: let’s call it scabies
Doctor 1: YES!! done
toddler: Close your eyes and open your mouth
me [about to get hit with a bat]
Marital Status: My husband is mad at me because I cheered for the wrong college football team.
He asked me to use smaller words, so I pat him on the head as I said “bye-bye”.
Win every argument by producing a cute puppy from your pocket every time your opponent agrees with you and putting it away sadly whenever they don’t.
If you put your face really close to a neck tattoo & slowly pull away, you can see a hidden design of the unemployment office.
BEST FRIEND: Dude I’m broke!
ME: …
DAUGHTER: I have to sell my house!
ME: …
BROTHER: I have NOTHING, you took it ALL!
ANGEL ON SHOULDER: You should help them.
MONOPOLY GUY ON OTHER SHOULDER: FINISH THEM!
If Planet Fitness didn’t want me eating a turkey leg on the stairmaster then they shouldn’t call it a “Judgment free” zone.
I was offered a brownie at work and when I opened the box, it was filled with brown colored letter E’s.
Waiting for the websites to start offering pizza instead of just cookies.
brace yourselves, the orthodontist just died
I’m just a girl, standing in a public restroom, begging someone, anyone, to install better ventilation
Yoda: *dies and fades away*
Luke: Thank God. I was so sick of his backward talking.
Ghost Yoda: Heard that, I did.
A super moon is just like a regular moon except Lois Lane doesn’t recognize it when it’s wearing horn rimmed glasses
There is a mosquito that has been trailing me for two days. I’ve swatted and clapped but it has proven to be the stronger of us both. It’s time to give in to my place on the food chain
COP: Know why I pulled you over?
ME: Because I didn’t floss?
DENTIST: *rips off cop mask* I gotcha now, you son of a-
welcome to Olive Garden! when you’re here, you’re family. sit up straight. have you gained weight? why can’t you be more like your sister
The guy at DQ gave me an extra chicken strip so I guess it will be a June wedding
dating:
I can listen to you talk all day.marriage:
Get to the point because I have to pee.
whenever a study shows excessive screen time causes brain damage i’m like yeah. me know
SIRI: Turn left in 100 feet
ME: [drives past turn]
SIRI: [exhales loudly in exasperation]
It’s actually a little puzzling that the Centaurs for Disease Control didn’t approve horse dewormer.
I want my friends and family at my funeral, but more than that, I want a mysterious stranger watching from behind a tree