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therapist:
Ever considered using something other than comedy as a defense mechanism?me:
Like judgmental stares and mumbling?therapist:
No.me:
….Knives?therapist:
Forget I asked.
Working at the bank is:
10% bank transactions
87% helping clients reset their password
40% typing numbers without looking
23% accuracy
I forgot the word “umbrella” so I offered to share my roof on a stick.
Quadruple digit IQ
when my daughter is mad she points at me and delivers what I can only assume is a gypsy curse
Wife: Don’t you hate when you eat something that’s not very satisfying but it’s too late to eat something else?
Me: Too late?
Thanks for using our drive through. Please park over there and wait 20 minutes and someone will bring out 85% of the stuff you ordered.
I’ve been cutting the chocolate milk with regular milk so it will go further and my kids have never noticed. I would’ve been a really good drug dealer.
I have strict instructions to my husband that upon my death he has to put that “in memory of my beautiful wife” sticker on the back of his car or I’ll haunt him forever.
But who am I kidding? I’m going to haunt him regardless.
PROPHET DANIEL: Behold! the fourth beast had ten eyes and ten horns. Even the horns had eyes
KING BELSHAZZAR: do you even hear yourself Dan
There are so many tornados in Ohio, the state bird is lawn furniture
I just got a robot vacuum. I think I’m going to put a bag of goldfish on top and let it take care of my daughter from now on
if my phone is so smart it should be able to tell i’m not trying to screenshot my alarm
A dog can locate the source of a sound in 6/100ths of a second which is almost as fast as a kid being able to locate a parent opening a candy wrapper
Told my landlord I was leaving for Los Angeles and he’s being very supportive
When you think about it, the little old man behind the curtain in Oz was the original catfish.
judas: i would never betray jesus he’s the best
jesus: my favorite movie is the Minions Movie
judas: i am going to betray the son of God
The collective name for a group of killer whales should be an ‘orcanization’.
Girlfriend: It’s 11:11, make a wish
Me (eyes roll): *stares out window*
Girlfriend: [gets text message] Crap, I have to go home
Me: Holy shit
Everyone talking about a baby boom in nine months can only be talking about first borns
The last thing anyone quarantined at home with kids right now wants is more kids
When someone is trapped in a bear cave, offering to send more bears in is frowned upon. I know this now.
“wait..so its a face transplant”
“yes”
“but his voice’
“your voice is tied to your face how u look is how u sound this is just science”
“ok nic cage”
Me: I’m really into architecture.
Her: Contemporary…modern?
Me: LEGO.
Just when the world was convinced Canadians were normal, we published a recipe for ketchup cake on our ketchup bottles.
In my meager defense, I was in no way aware the gingerbread houses were entries in a contest.
Technically it was only Jesus’s last supper.
*goes to church
I need all this water turned into wine. Thanks.
Cop: Any drugs or alcohol?
Me: No thanks officer, I have everything that I need.
Currently being yelled at by my sour patch 5yo daughter for “not playing Barbies right” bc I decided to make mine a 9-year-old girl from Brooklyn who sounds like she has smoker’s lung and lives above a pizzeria.
my primary source of oxygen is gasping at all the stupidity